Poetry Forum

I recall a Christmas night,
Sheets of ice on the ‘inside’
Of my bedroom window panes!
The lazer beam from my torch light
Was guided by my bedside
Lamp to shoot down model planes

Dog fighting on the ceiling.
My head was cold, my fingers
Freezing, couldn’t feel my feet!
Sleep? what, with church bells ringing,
Along with carol singers,
And drunks brawling in the street!

Deryn

Hi Deryn.

I liked it. Especially this bit:

Sleep? what, with church bells ringing,
Along with carol singers,
And drunks brawling in the street!

I'm not sure why "inside" is in quotes? I'm probably missing something.

Best wishes,
Seth

Thanks Seth, that is encouraging.

I'm not too good at using , . ; : ' " ! In fact I don't know how or where to use most of them. I thought 'inside' would highlight the surprise at the ice not being on the 'outside' of the window panes. Would the emphasis still work if I got rid of the ' ' ?

Thanks again,

Deryn

I recall a Christmas night,
sheets of ice on the inside
of my bedroom window panes.
The lazer beam from my torch light
was guided by my bedside
lamp to shoot down model planes

dog fighting on the ceiling.
My head was cold, my fingers
freezing, couldn’t feel my feet.
Sleep? What, with church bells ringing,
along with carol singers,
and drunks brawling in the street.

hi Derryn,
I'm not quite sure why the person isn't in bed keeping warm, but I like the image of the planes.

cheers

mac

Hi Deryn,

It is certianly a restless, unslept night.

Deryn wrote:Would the emphasis still work if I got rid of the ' ' ?

Yes, I think so. Also I wonder if the exclamation mark "!" a bit too loud?

Cheers,

Lake

liked this, didn't mind the !'s

thanks guys.

Mac, believe it or not, I was in bed! The room used to get terribly cold. On a night like this Dad used to get home from the pub and throw his coat over my bed to help keep me warm. I liked that because then I could put my arms in the arms of the coat and put my hands in the pockets. There I would find bits of tobacco, a penny sometimes, and usually a tissue. This all formed a third verse that I wrote but didn't attach to the original as it was unfinished.

Deryn

On a night like this Dad used to get home from the pub and throw his coat over my bed to help keep me warm. I liked that because then I could put my arms in the arms of the coat and put my hands in the pockets. There I would find bits of tobacco, a penny sometimes, and usually a tissue. This all formed a third verse that I wrote but didn't attach to the original as it was unfinished.

Some interesting details there Deryn. Might be worth persevering with that additional stanza.

One additional thought: would Christmas Eve be more appropriate than Christmas Day?

cheers

mac

I really liked this, felt incredibly sentimental and brought me back to a more magical Christmas time, waiting for the morning to come and being so excited, thank you for this I think it could do with the exclamation marks and inverted commas on 'inside' being removed, it seems fine without those. I think the two stanzas would suit being together rather than apart, as you continue talking about the plane fighting from the first stanza onto the second. I'd really like to read the third stanza to it

I much prefer this without the quotes and exclamation mark, it seems a bit calmer somehow. I think your dad putting his coat on you when he comes home from the pub is a wonderful image, and would make a perfect third verse, I will look forward to reading it.

Hi all, this is what I had in mind for the remainder of my poem.

I recall a Christmas night,
Sheets of ice on the inside
Of my bedroom window panes!
The lazer beam from my torch light
Was guided by my bedside
Lamp to shoot down model planes
Dog fighting on the ceiling.
My head was cold, my fingers
Freezing, couldn’t feel my feet!
Sleep? What, with church bells ringing,
Along with carol singers,
And drunks brawling in the street!

Then from amongst the racket,
Dad whistling, ‘O Christmas Tree’.
As he climbed the stairs I knew
He would take off his jacket,
Smile, and put it over me.
I gladly put my hands through
The sleeves of his teddy boy
Tweed down into the silky
Pockets. Snug and warm, I lay
Under my dad’s pride and joy,
Dreaming I was Bing Crosby,
And my dad was Danny Kaye.

Dreaming of a White Christmas.

Deryn

I like the addition Deryn, conveys a snugness that contrasts with the chill.

Dreaming I was Bing Crosby,
And my dad was Danny Kaye.

Dreaming of a White Christmas.

I didn't really buy into that for a child's thought.

cheers

mac

Hi Mac and thanks.

Funny you should mention not buying into that ending because that was a compromise. The original ending I have was a bit specific, related to rock n roll as my dad was a teddy boy, but I didn't think younger guys would know the song 'tutti frutti', or know who Johnny Ray was. Here is what I settled on originally which I thought tied in nicely with dad's teddy boy jacket and the rock and era in the 50's when I was young. Do you think it works better?

Then from amongst the racket,
Dad whistling, ‘Tutti Frutti’.
As he climbed the stairs I knew
He would take off his jacket,
Smile, and put it over me.
I gladly put my hands through
The sleeves of his teddy boy
Tweed down into the silky
Pockets. Snug and warm, I lay
Under my dad’s pride and joy,
Dreaming I was Elvis Presley,
And my dad was Johnny Ray.

Yes, I do Deryn.

mac