Poetry Forum

I don't think I've ever been the stuff of woman’s fantasies

I doubt a stranger passing on a street has given me

a second glance you see,

I can't play guitar I can't sing a song I can't even dance

I am what some magazines would call “out of shape”

I have a beard but contrary to stereotypes

it doesn’t smell nor does it contain

remnants of food like Mr Twit .

But maybe if I died in some immaculate way

I'd be revered and future people would pray to effigies of me,

have images of me dangling from their neck.

Alters made up of an old shoe I once wore,

or perhaps a piece of paper I had scribbled on?

My pathetic writing suddenly prophetic.

Until then I guess I continue to exist

and grow my beard in readiness.

Hmm, not sure what to make of this one, John.

It's a bit on the prosaic side. You usually have a very strong style in your poetry but this doesn't sound like your usual voice at all, to me

We start off with reasons why women (actually, shouldn't that be "women's" on the first line?) don't find you attractive and then you mention the beard not being smelly, it reads as though women find smelly beards attractive. They don't - I know!

The second half, from the beard bit onwards is better.

Cheers,
Nash.

Hi John,
just calling by to ask...is it "Altars"?
And wouldn't you need more than one shoe? I suppose they could be small altars.

best wishes,
Seth

Hi John,

makes me think of, 'I'm nobody ...' Dickinson.

I love the first line. Maybe continuing along the lines of women's fantasies might have been interesting?

Deryn

Hi John: I try avoid "self-pity" in poem writing, lets the readers draw their own conclusions.
That's my own thinking.

One of your rare visits, John. Good to see you again.

I always enjoy engaging with your stuff, as it's so consistently left-field. This one, though, isn't one of your triumphs in my view.

Putting aside the nittish things, like the punctuation that does the piece absolutely no favours, it suffers from other larger-scale problems. In addition to nash's fair point about the beard, there are are other narrative points that make the whole thing strained and unbelievable. I don't agree with noel, I'd say self pity is a perfectly fair, even admirable, theme for a poem, but it needs to be done with more subtlety than you're showing here.

Sorry to be so down on it, but it's not your usual style/quality at all. Oh, and (while I'm whingeing) why the double line spaces? It doesn't help, I'd say.

Cheers
peter

I can certainly empathise with this one John. Know where your coming from. I too found the double spacing a little unnecessary though.

thanks for the feedback people.

Agree with the double spacing, looks pretty awful!

Nash, I think I was trying something different hence the deviation from the norm, but will have to revisit it (and start with changing the spacing) - maybe with this one I'm best start from the bottom and work up.

Antcliff, yep, should be altar. I used one shoe rather to give the impression of it being a rare heirloom. Did it work? Possibly not.

Arian, a work in progress rather than a triumph. I shall take a look at this again and have another bash.

cheer people