Driving on Highway 36W

[Lake]

V2

I will never find words
I will never find words adequate
to paint
the rays of light
that thrust through black velvet
as powerfully
and elegantly as eagle’s wings
that slice the clouds
on heaven’s cutting board.

I will never have words adequate
to tell
the way the silky threads
gild the outlines
of the Twin Cities looming
from the predawn darkness
so bright so cheerful
that all the haze and gloom
suddenly dissipate.


Original  


I will never find words
I will never find words adequate
to paint
the rays of light
that thrust through black velvet
as powerfully
and elegantly as an eagle’s wings
that slice the clouds
on heaven’s cutting board.

I will never have words adequate
to tell
the way the silky threads
gild the outlines
of the Twin Cities
looming from the predawn darkness
so bright so cheerful
that all haze and gloom
suddenly dissipate.
  

[Suzanne]

Oh, 35W. Homesick. Ouch. Nice. Ouch. Nice.
I can see it.

Thanks.

Thrust is too strong though. Gives the wrong idea.

X
Thanks lake. Really.
Suzanne

[Pauline]

I like the introspective tone of this Lake.
Not keen on the repeat of the first line
or the line breaks.
Feels a bit jerky to me.
I've read it several times and in my (humble) opinion
I found it flowed a little smoother just nudging a few lines up a tad.
This is how I read it.

I will never find words adequate
to paint the rays of light that thrust
through black velvet as powerfully
and elegantly as eagle’s wings that slice
the clouds on heaven’s cutting board.

I will never have words adequate
to tell the way the silky threads gild
the outlines of the Twin Cities looming
from the predawn darkness.
So bright, so cheerful that all haze
and gloom suddenly dissipate.

These are just my thoughts Lake.
Others may disagree.

[Lake]

Hi Suzanne,

Come back home sometime. Driving another 100 meters, 36 W will merge into 35 W.

Thrust is too strong though. Gives the wrong idea.

As I said I will never find words adequate enough ... will try to find another one.

Thanks Suzanne.

Lake

[Lake]

Hi Pauline,

Thanks for rearranging it. I see your point. And your edit looks good. I'll keep it as another version.

Cheers,

Lake

[Antcliff]

Hi Lake,

I know the feeling
...and liked the poem.
Heaven's cutting board..grand!

I am still pondering the comparison in both power and elegance between the thrust of light and the movement of the wings. Thank you. I enjoyed thinking about that.

Part of me quite likes an option (just mentioning it)
... "s" and "the"..and

that all the haze and gloom
suddenly dissipates.

rather than...

that all haze and gloom
suddenly dissipate.

And--

and elegantly as an eagle’s wings
that slice the clouds
on heaven’s cutting board.

I wonder..should it be this?

and elegantly as eagle wings
that slice the clouds
on heaven’s cutting board.

Maybe.

Seth

[Lake]

Hello Seth,

Thank you very much for your help. I was unsure of a few places you mentioned when I was writing. Especially the singular verb "dissipates". All the haze and gloom - is it taken as one thing or two? However I trust your grammar check and will make the changes based on your suggestions.

Much appreciated.

Lake

[Antcliff]

Lake,
apologies!!! I think I was just wrong and you were right all along.
Dissipate...yes. Plural...as you imply..two things.


Seth

[Macavity]

hi Lake.

Very much enjoyed seeing this moment through your words. It wasn't poetic and that is one of the strengths and pleasures of your writing.

mac

[Deryn]

Hi Lake, as with other poems I have commented on I can only offer a beginners view.

I felt comfortable and at ease with the flow and it was quite effortless to read.

I think the first 2 lines work very well together as they give a clear indication of how you feel.

The use of birds of prey as illustrations of both power and elegance is quite common, and difficult to put into words that don't sound cliche, but your eagle slicing through heavens cutting board I find refreshing.

I enjoyed this Lake and have read it a few times now, many thanks.

Deryn

[Lake]

It wasn't poetic and that is one of the strengths and pleasures of your writing.

Thanks Mac.

I felt comfortable and at ease with the flow and it was quite effortless to read.

Thanks Deryn for your words. Appreciated.

Lake

[David]

I like this too, Lake, especially the feeling it conveys. It feels like a vision of the Promised Land. Lovely.

Cheers

David

[Lake]

Hi David,

Do you watch films a lot? Thanks for mentioning "the Promised Land", I'll have a go at it when I have a chance.
I think I tend to write something cheerful and promising, just to diesperse the moody clouds.

Thanks for reading.

Lake

[David]

Do you watch films a lot? Thanks for mentioning "the Promised Land", I'll have a go at it when I have a chance.

Ah. I meant the (imagined) place, not a film. Is it a film?

I know it's a song.

[Lake]

Ha, there is such a film David.