Poetry Forum

revision

Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
the seeded core browning in frosted light.

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original

Unbuttoning her coat beyond her blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
the seeded core browning in frosted light.

Hi Mac, as a beginner I hesitate to comment on poems because sometimes it might sound gushy or cliche. And as a consequence not very constructive. But I do like this poem.

If I was flicking through a book and glancing quickly at poems it would grab my attention. On reading it fully it immediately conjures up a picture in my head, and I like that. Succinct and pretty.

There, I hope that wasn't too gushy Mac?

Deryn

Go for it Deryn. I value all the comments! Knowing a poem is working for someone is fine in my book. There is no barrier, that I know of, commenting on the 'experienced' forum either. After all Ros, David, Seth etc take time to comment over here so it's nice to return the favour. Most times I simply state what I understand by the poem and what I like. All writers are grateful for a reader I reckon :0)

cheers

mac

Wish I had written shivers in whispers. Love that. And the word Pippin.

The rest, well, she is rotting on the inside though looks lovely on the outside?
Suzanne

The blush of russet red sent shivers to my core.

This is lovely Mac.
No nits.
Enjoyed immensely.

Thank you Suzanne and Pauline. I have a little collection of words I'd like to have in a poem and Pippin was one of those

Pleased you both enjoyed.

cheers

mac

I actually read the 'russet red' as the colour of her coat the first time, not sure why, but I kind of like it that way now.
Not entirely sure of 'he seeded core browning in frosted light'.
I like the colouring, by 'seeded core', do you mean like 'gone to seed'?

Yesterday wrote:I actually read the 'russet red' as the colour of her coat the first time, not sure why, but I kind of like it that way now.
Not entirely sure of 'he seeded core browning in frosted light'.
I like the colouring, by 'seeded core', do you mean like 'gone to seed'?

Thanks Y. The inference is intended to be sexual.

cheers

mac

Nice and succinct this one Mac. Love "She shivers in whispers" There's a haiku in there somewhere I think.

I can see what Yesterday means, mac - I tend to read the russet as referring to the coat as well, which would chime well with the skin of the apple, which we remove to get at the sweetness inside ... phew, is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

She shivers in whispers is a lovely phrase.

It's a very sensuous and well-handled (oops, again) three lines. Like the way you get the name of two poets into the last line!

Cheers

David

P.S. It doesn't bother me, I am completely indifferent whether somebody posts in Beginners or Experienced, but you shouldn't be posting in Beginners, should you?

Hi Mac

I like the title and the multiple apple references.
It is quite dense and intense, but lots of fun.

I wonder if you can tinker with your pronouns and articles a little:

Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
a seeded core browning in frosted light.


You have clearly chosen strong breaks with your punctuation.
How do you think it reads with shorter pauses?


Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red, she shivers, in whispers;
a seeded core browning in frosted light.


golden and delicious!

og

KevJ wrote:Nice and succinct this one Mac. Love "She shivers in whispers" There's a haiku in there somewhere I think.

Don't tempt me Kev

cheers

mac

Like the way you get the name of two poets into the last line!

I like to say that was intended David...but alas not. Interesting idea for a challenge?

Perhaps the forum could re-named... beginners and overflow or beginners and others etc.

Some fresh paint to brighten a forum.

all the best

mac

Thanks og. As usual some insightful suggestions. Appreciated. I have edited the one word and will think on the others and the punctuation.

cheers

mac