Poetry Forum

With what teeth he did have remaining,
And with gums that added extra crush,
Lots of nibbling and pulverizing,
Could reduce a Brazil nut to mush.
How he hated that single front incisor,
‘Makes me look like a moody old miser!’

Hair shale grey as Arthurian armour,
Shades of the moon on an ice glazed lake.
Hypnotic harebell eyes of a charmer,
Stunningly sharp and acute as a snake.
Those now look lost in a morphine haze,
Fogged and far in pupil dilated days.

And there in conquering pride of place,
A treasured plume of such panache,
If ever a masterpiece graced a face,
Centre stage his manicured mustache.
But now to see it a tad overgrown,
Through which would emerge the conclusive moan.

Deryn

Hi Deryn,
I really liked the gentle nature of this. There is a gentleness to it overall which is very appealing.
Was it intended to be "armour" or "amour"?

Seth

Thanks Seth,

yes, I must have proof read it a hundred times!? It is supposed to be 'armour.' I have rectified it now.

I was also deliberating with mustache or moustache for a while too. But moustache gets red underlined so I went for mustache.

And thanks for your comment.

Deryn

hi Deryn

The teeth, the eyes and then the demise of the moustache! Agree with Seth on the engaging gentleness of tone. Perhaps the final line seems a 'tad' long. Either way I thought you conveyed the effect of the passing years. Good title!

cheers

mac

I enjoyed the read very much. Sorry I can't offer any more advice than has already been given.

Hello Deryn,

As I understand it Moustache is the UK way of spelling it and Mustache is the US way.

I wonder if you need "front" in line 5? It's sort of a given that an incisor will be in the front and, to my ear, it improves the rhythm without it.

Cheers,
Nash.

Thanks guys,

Mac, that longer looking final line was due to me wanting a 10 syllable count. Perhaps that is something beginners get drawn into?

Nash, when I was writing that 5th line I looked up the name of teeth on the internet. Incisor was what I came up with but after a few reads I wondered whether people would realise just what an incisor was, so, I added 'front' to make it obvious? Perhaps I should have more faith in the reader? Did you like the poem Nash? At this stage I need to know if I am on the right lines when putting my poems together.

Deryn

Deryn wrote:Did you like the poem Nash?

Now there's a question!

I don't like the first stanza at all. I think it sets completely the wrong tone for the rest of the piece. It's too humorous, almost to the extent of being like a poem for children, which is a shame as the final two stanzas have a poignancy which I like.

S2 - I think that likening the hair colour to 'Arthurian armour' is quite clever, as it subtly brings into this readers mind the idea of a King Pellinore type figure and by extension a Don Quixote character. I like all of the second stanza, particularly the "harebell" line. I think you lose the rhythm a bit in a couple of places though:

Deryn wrote:Hair shale grey as Arthurian armour,

To me, this would be better simplified to:

Hair as grey as Arthurian armour,

The last line of the second stanza all sounds a bit clumsy to me, I'd rather see it as something like:

Pupils dilated, they've seen better days.

This is just a suggestion obviously, so I hope you don't mind me tinkering. I just think this scans a little better and picks up on some of the lovely rhythm you've got in the rest of it.

As for stanza 3, I'd say it's ok but not as good as stanza 2.

If it was mine I'd consider losing S1 moving S3 to the beginning (it would probably need a bit of a rewrite for this) and having a strong finish with those morphine fogged eyes.

Cheers,
Nash.

Excellent Nash.

I will take a closer look at this later tonight when I am home.

Much appreciated.

Hi again Nash,

I agree about that first stanza. It might be okay to use in a different poem. But not with the 2 other stanza's.

I did have, 'as grey as Arthurian armour' to begin with but I wasn't sure if using 'as' twice in that respect wasn't grammatically correct. Hence 'shale grey as'.

I have placed stanza 3 first and placed stanza 2 after that and I have began working on them.

Again much appreciated and hopefully I will have a version to post soon.

Deryn

Those now look lost in a morphine haze,
Fogged and far in pupil dilated days.

Really liked the way this sounded. Good choice of words that sound well together throughout, and of course, a great character. Nicely done!

Marten

Deryn wrote:Excellent Nash.

I agree. In fact, I agree with pretty much everything he said, although I like the shale grey hair.

All three verses seem to come from different poems to me. V3 is fun, but I think the last line is weak. V1 I pass over in silence, but I like V2 very much.

Cheers

David

I agree with other comments that the first stanza seems alien to the rest of the poem. A good poem otherwise i thought.

Stanza 2 by far my favourite. "hair shale grey as Arthurian armour" - captures for me the dignity of the experienced, those who have lived and survived longer than most. Evokes sadness in me but also a glowing pride at those not overcome by everything life can throw at you.
I also appreciate the simile on the snake, challenges traditional views of looking only at the negative aspects of what it is to be a snake.

Hope I've made at least one point in my amateur analysis