Poetry Forum

Revision

I looked past cracked windows,
at a home that once was
nothing special.

Existing now
with layers of shedded skin
and particulate matter,
strewn across
linoleum floors

Where beer bottles float
in broken sinks
and a mattress
turned upright
sagging with paint

A retired
canvas of oil

There were no sutures
for all these parts.
Just an exposure
to place it together
and feel its

Crime that was left
around to discover.
And like an idiot,
to escape into it
and to breathe upon it.



Original

Today I looked past cracked windows,
at a home that once was... nothing special,
but the layers of shedded skin
and particulate matter strewn across
linoleum floors... where beer bottles float
in broken sinks...and the mattress with a sordid history,
turned upright and full of gashes...I expose
this gem and extract its juices.

But to feel its importance,
to feel its crime that was left around
to discover. And like an idiot,
to escape into it, and to breathe upon it.

Oh the places you find yourself, marten!
Glad to see you posting poetry as well as photos.
I know I don't like the ellipsi mixed in the format but enjoyed the theme and content. I must return later though for better read when I've more time.

Suzanne

hi Marten

Definitely disconcerting, but I agree with Suzanne on the ellipsis. Perhaps this could be presented with a photo?

cheers

mac

Thank you Suzanne and Mac. I took your advise about the ellipsis and removed that line. The picture added, was taken close to where I live. And that particular home, was somewhat of an inspiration for this poem.

cheers,
marten

Great pic. Great combo. I particularly like the fact the eye has to go into the picture, drawn in to find the mattress.

You're multi-talented mate - exhibition or online gallery of pics/poems with some of your sounds in the background.

mac

Thanks so much Mac. Smiled at the fact that you found the mattress. Wasn't sure if it was visible enough.

All the best,
Marten

Hi, marten,


I think that the "..." makes the poem feel like a cartoon caption and changes the serious mood.
Using space or line breaks can achieve the same effect you desire. If you read he poem aloud, you might be able to feel it that way.

I always forget great advantage to reading your work aloud. When I get back into the habit after putting it aside, I am usually astounded how I could so easily forget this simple tool.


I have taken the liberty to juggle your lines as an example, I hope you don't mind.
Please take it in the spirt of helpfulness.


I looked past cracked windows
at a home that once was
nothing special
but layers of shed skin, particulate matter
strewn across linoleum floors

where beer bottles float in broken sinks
and the mattress with a sordid history,
turned upright and full of gashes

I expose this gem
and extract its juices.

But to feel its importance,
to feel its crime that was left to discover.
And like an idiot to escape into it,
to breathe upon it.


I admit that I am not quite sure what the "but" means or is tied to. And unsure abut the "juices"

I think this is good material for a poem and encourage you to give it a read and see if you can make it clearer. I will watch for edits.

Cheers,
Suzanne

Thank you Suzanne. I took a lot of your suggestions on board, they were helpful in the revised draft.

Cheers,
Marten

hi Marten,
I'm not sure the shorter lines convey the same sense of being absorbed.

Crime that was left
around to discover.
And like an idiot,
to escape into it
and to breathe upon it.

But to feel its importance,
to feel its crime that was left around
to discover. And like an idiot,
to escape into it, and to breathe upon it.

The original had that stealthy creepiness in its pacing.

I also thought that a word like 'gashes' had the right level of crudeness and implication of violence.

mac

Yes, I think the format of the revised is cleaner, but maybe it loses some of its original impact.

I enjoyed the still imagery in your writing and was surprised to find another still so fitting for it.

Oh and i much rather prefer the edited version, it made it easier to focus more on each word of your writing.

Hi Marten,

Without second thought, it brings a picture in mind. And a very nice picture, like the colour a lot. As Mac suggested, your works (poems with pictures) can find a home for publishing.
I agree the revised is clean and clearer espcially in the end, but the longer-line version has it own merit, particulaly in the sense of discovering, searching, lingering ... Maybe the elipses can be replace by space, that can still keep the longer lines. e.g.

Today I looked past cracked windows,
at a home that once was  nothing special,
but the layers of shedded skin
and particulate matter strewn across
linoleum floors   where beer bottles float
in broken sinks  and the mattress with a sordid history,
turned upright and full of gashes  I expose
this gem and extract its juices.

Just a thought.

Lake

Excellent suggestion. Lake. I like the lingering idea and the space does what the .... Tried to do.

Thank you Nunkadesu and welcome to the forum. Lake, thanks, I agree with Suzanne, nice suggestion that I think would work better than the original.

Cheers guys,
Marten