Poetry Forum

revised

Seemingly lost in limbo, an angel
falls beneath his rusty halo. A hearse
kerb crawls close by. All know that driver's fare
is far too high. Humming a hymn, with jug
of special brew, a wave of wings unveils
a view. Spinning his coin, his winning grin,
meandering with hope for many a mile.

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original

A hearse curb crawls close by,
we know that driver's fare is far too high.
Seemingly lost in limbo,
an angel falls beneath his rusty halo.

Humming a hymn, a jug of special brew,
a wave of wings unveils a view.
Spinning his coin, his winning smile,
we drift with hope for many a quiet mile.

Hi Mac

I’m not a fan of this in its current state. The structure seems rather clunky. I’m having a big problem maintaining a rhythm through the poem.

In addition, I think structure might be eclipsing content. There are some interesting images, but I find S2 difficult to follow.

I’m guessing this is an experimental departure


og

Really like the first two lines..

A hearse curb crawls close by,
we know that driver's fare is far too high.

and is the rest about a drunk angel? That would be great poem in its own right.

As for the structure, I'm personally not a great fan of poems that rhyme - simply because it often seems that words are picked for that reason alone rather than what they can add to the poem. So, not a massive fan of the smile / mile couplet.

Well I quite like this Mac. But then I'm a sucker for a good rhyme. Think the rhythm might be better served by losing the word quiet from the last couplet though.

Thanks Og, John, and Kev.

I think 'experimental' is probably kind.

Will attempt to improve...

all the best

mac

I really like the second verse. The sense of aimless wandering the long distance home is something I'm very familiar with [in fact I did it last night!], so it struck something inside me.

I'm not keen on the first verse. There's something that doesn't quite hammer home the point of the poem. I'm a fan of vagueness, but this part is maybe a bit too vague. It leaves me wondering what you are trying to say. It could be that I simply don't understand the first verse, so maybe it's my problem more than yours.

Definitely worth the read though. Look forward to any amendments.

The sense of aimless wandering the long distance home is something I'm very familiar with [in fact I did it last night!], so it struck something inside me.

A fallen angel? Shuffled the cards.

cheers

mac