wasted life / lost in corridors (edit)

[John G]

Version 2
lost in office corridors that appear endless
that stretch on for miles
through unchartered architectural plans

meeting rooms of people
meeting projectors wide screen tele-
conferences with colleagues in countries
new latitudes and dialling codes

where the currency is colourful
and worthless like the unwanted child

that's where I found him
in the corridors
hunched crumpled
writing his memoirs on stolen stationary
feverish & waiting

waiting on the findings of
an audit , DNA tests from bone fragments

the first line read
I have been accused of wasting this life


Version 1
lost in office corridors that appear endless
that stretch on for miles
through unchartered architectural plans

meeting rooms
projectors wide screen tele-
conferences with people in countries
new latitudes and dialling codes

where the currency is colourful
and worthless like the unwanted child
like the spam emails

and in the corridors
that's where I found him
hunched crumpled
writing his memoirs on stolen stationary
feverish & waiting

waiting on memories of pilgrims
tight rope walkers the findings of
an audit – a DNA tests from bone fragments –

the first line read
I have been accused of wasting this life

[Antcliff]

Enjoyably enigmatic, John. Lost, wasting life in large office space.

I wonder if it is "stationery" (paper supplies) rather than "stationary" (rigid)?

Seth

[John G]

Hello Seth,

Thanks for the feedback.

Re: the stationary / stationery line - would it help if I said I meant it to read that way to give the impression his life was full of inertia, wasn't moving anywhere? I thought not .

But if you got the "Lost, wasting life in large office " vive then I pitched it right.

Cheers

[Arian]

Yes, I think I agree with Seth - odd, but enjoyably so. The last couplet is very good, and I enjoyed the line about the worthless currency.

It does seem to be even more heavily shot-through with JohnG-ish 'grammar' than usual, nowhere more so than in the sequence

waiting on memories of pilgrims
tight rope walkers the findings of
an audit – a DNA tests from bone fragments –

which is a bit of a mess. Purposeful rule-breaking is the stuff of poetry, but this (as in other places) doesn't seem purposeful to me.

Still, interesting as always.

Cheers
peter

[oranggunung]

Hi John

I am very taken by the cyclical nature of this piece.

I wonder, if the last line ended with an ellipsis, might it refer the reader back to the start of the poem again. At that point, the title of the poem becomes more important. I appreciate the ironic opposition of the poem title and the first line. It might be difficult to lose that, but the rewards might be worth it.

I really like the transition from S1 to S2. “Meeting rooms …” has the potential to lead readers into the surreal. I wonder if it continued along those lines, rather than with a list, it might play more with the readers' heads.

meeting rooms
with people …

In S3, the imagery of the unwanted child is very powerful. I think additional comparisons only dilute that original. Less might be more here.

S4 – I wonder if the first two lines might work the other way round? Would that be more conversational?

S5 – the last line has a problem. It could be:

a DNA test from bone fragments –

or

DNA tests from bone fragments –

but what you currently have is giving a big bump.


S6 – leads you back to the beginning. Well, it lead me back to the beginning.

It might be a little theatrical, but if the poem were called “wasting this life” and the last line ended

I have been accused of …

You’d have a neat circle.


enjoyed

og

[Ros]

I think tightrope is one word (and would make it clearer). Put the last line in italics perhaps to emphasise that it's his writing?

waiting on memories of pilgrims
tight rope walkers the findings of
an audit – a DNA tests from bone fragments –

this is a great verse to have in there, though I'm not sure I know what it signifies, except always having to wait for something.

Captures the mood well.

Ros

[Paula]

It captured my imagination and the contrast within its message affected me more so this time around....I came back to re read this and allowed myself to connect deeper and see it differently. The first time I read it too fast and did not feel the flow and contrast within the view, I am glad I came back to acknowledge your share and see it again in new light..I like it.

[Macavity]

Very much enjoyed John. The first line a touch of Kafka, the final line an echo of one of my fav. poems:

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/177229

cheers

mac

[John G]

thanks for the feedback people.

Ive tidied up the last part so hopefully it reads better - nothing major

[Antcliff]

I think I liked the edit, John. I see the pilgrims have gone.

Seth

[David2]

Surreal office adventures. It's practically Kafka, innit?

Actually, if you transposed it into prose ...

I found myself lost in an office corridor that appeared endless, stretching on for miles through unchartered (uncharted?) architectural plans ...

it could almost be Kafka. Especially that ending.

So I like it.

Cheers

David