Christian

[David Smedley]

version 2

My new neighbour
has lips the colour of liver;

when they part
Africa shines.

Her name, Oluwatomisin,
means God is enough for me

and in church on Sunday
her Nigerian headwrap
is a wonder to behold



version 1

My new neighbour
has lips the colour of liver;

when they part
African sunshines.

Her name, Oluwatomisin,
means God is enough for me

and in church on sunday
her Nigerian headwrap
is a wonder to behold.

[ray miller]

Hello, David. Enigmatic, I think is the word. I like the 2nd line, I'd be tempted to do this

My new neighbour has lips
the colour of liver

Africa shines would be more succinct

I suppose what one makes of the final 5 lines depends on how God is enough for me is read. I'm liking it more on 2nd and 3rd reads.

[Ros]

Hi David, I like Ray's suggestion of Africa shines. You should probably have a capital for Sunday. It's a great couple of images, and the title does make it enigmatic - I'm not sure what to read in to that.

Ros

[champion]

Hello David.
I liked your arrangement for the opening two lines in preference to Rays suggestion. For me, it suggested contemplation, as you pondered your new neighbour. I also enjoyed how in the parting of her liver coloured lips, a continent wide smile was unveiled in all its brilliance.
I do agree with Ray and Ros though, that 'Africa shines' seems a more pleasant and natural way to read line 4 .

and in church on sunday
her Nigerian headwrap
is a wonder to behold.

I could clearly picture the magnificence and colour in these last three lines.
Very nice indeed.

Cheers
Robbie.

[Macavity]

is a wonder to behold

I like how that plays with Christian terminology.

has lips the colour of liver

I thought this defined a difference, as opposed to pink lips, in an observational way.

when they part
African sunshines.

I think this takes away an ambiguity that the poem could have.

cheers

mac

[Jackie]

Your images are so sharp, in so few words!

I like the connection between God is enough for me--what God provides for me is sufficient, and I covet nothing more--and the abundance you see in her--the whole of Africa shining through, and the wonder of her headtie.

Comparing lips to what I presume is raw liver, does put me off; I guess I'm missing what you gain by this comparison.

[David Smedley]

Jackie, thank you for your read and post, I love the colour of her "lips", they dominate when talking and parting to smile, I wanted to get this across, It is the contrast in colour....Thank you David

Mac, thank you for your thoughts, David

Champion, Thanks for the read and post, see revised for line change....David

Ros,thank you for your confirmation to Rays suggestion....David

Ray, thanks for taking the time to comment, have amended the line you thought about, David

[Jackie]

Just for fun, offering alternatives to liver: there's eggplant (aubergine), or dark sweet cherries ( http://www.cherries.msu.edu/pdf/varieties/Ebony.pdf ).

Jackie

[twoleftfeet]

Hello, DavidS

I think "lips the colour of liver" is too close to the unfortunate expression "liver lips", so I'd be inclined to take up
one of the alternatives suggested.

Geoff

[David Smedley]

Thanks jackie...D

Thanks Geoff....D