For a short-trousered period I hankered
to be placed on a shelf labelled
‘Small Boys’.
I’d mosey past the perfumery counter
in a practiced woebegone, aspiring
to be handed in by a heavily scented lady.
Once deposited, I would have searched out
a fedora hat, some thick-lensed spectacles
a paisley cravat, and patiently sat out my stay
incognito, finishing off some Polos
from a box labelled ‘Mints’
whistling through the hole
with my new false teeth.
Lot number seven and three quarters
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ray miller
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This is lovely from start to finish and made me laugh.Well done. My only suggestion is to change the tense slightly here
I would search out
patiently sit out my stay
I would search out
patiently sit out my stay
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
This brings to mind every minute of the time I was taken as a child to the lost and found in a very old fashioned department store, and was given ice cream to eat until my mother came. It's very sensory, and very child centered.
The tense change makes sense to me, too--it goes along with the I'd mosey. One question: I've never seen woebegone as a noun. Is that your invention?
Loved this--thanks!
Jackie
The tense change makes sense to me, too--it goes along with the I'd mosey. One question: I've never seen woebegone as a noun. Is that your invention?
Loved this--thanks!
Jackie
Last edited by Jackie on Sat Jul 06, 2013 12:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
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David Smedley
- Prolific Poster
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- Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Champion, for me the above has not come across with clarity, It dropped me straight out of the poem to give it consideration and I still don't get it after quite a few minutes.For a short-trousered period I hankered
to be placed on a shelf labelled
‘Small Boys’
Champion, this also leaves me mystified, where would you be "deposited" to find such things? especially after being "handed" in from the perfumery counter.Once deposited, I would have searched out
a fedora hat, some thick-lensed spectacles
a paisley cravat, and patiently sat out my stay
incognito
This may be an extended metaphor which I cannot decipher, if so let me know and I will have another go.
Seeya....David
Hello Ray, Jackie and Mac.
Thank you very much for taking a look at 'Lot number ..', and for your very kind comments.
Ray. I deliberated for some time over the tense in the very lines you picked up on. After numerous re-reads I think I left myself quite befuddled. Should i consider the lines in the sense of;
what I would do, 'if' I was ever handed in ?
or what I would do, 'when' I was handed in?
so thanks for pointing out how conscientious I need to be with tense in future pieces.
I am sincerely happy that it tickled you Ray, cheers.
Jackie. So glad that this evoked a child-hood memory for you, that is a very gratifying thought.
'Woebegone' unfortunately is not my creation. It was inspired by a similar word, 'woe betide'. A word of warning I would often hear as a boy from my mother, and usually followed by "when your father gets home young man"!
Thanks a lot Mac, for your appreciation of what I had been hoping would be a subtle inclusion of only a few rhyming sounds. I am now aware of how invasive over-use of rhyme can be, and what a detrimental effect it can sometimes have on a composition.
Mosey was a common word amongst my child-hood friends, so evoked a very nice memory for me, though hankered, as nice a sounding adjective as it is, was not familiar to me until I read it recently here on PGW where it instantly caught my eye.
Many thanks
Robbie
Thank you very much for taking a look at 'Lot number ..', and for your very kind comments.
Ray. I deliberated for some time over the tense in the very lines you picked up on. After numerous re-reads I think I left myself quite befuddled. Should i consider the lines in the sense of;
what I would do, 'if' I was ever handed in ?
or what I would do, 'when' I was handed in?
so thanks for pointing out how conscientious I need to be with tense in future pieces.
I am sincerely happy that it tickled you Ray, cheers.
Jackie. So glad that this evoked a child-hood memory for you, that is a very gratifying thought.
'Woebegone' unfortunately is not my creation. It was inspired by a similar word, 'woe betide'. A word of warning I would often hear as a boy from my mother, and usually followed by "when your father gets home young man"!
Thanks a lot Mac, for your appreciation of what I had been hoping would be a subtle inclusion of only a few rhyming sounds. I am now aware of how invasive over-use of rhyme can be, and what a detrimental effect it can sometimes have on a composition.
Mosey was a common word amongst my child-hood friends, so evoked a very nice memory for me, though hankered, as nice a sounding adjective as it is, was not familiar to me until I read it recently here on PGW where it instantly caught my eye.
Many thanks
Robbie
Last edited by champion on Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:02 am, edited 3 times in total.
Hello David.
Lot number seven and three quarters was inspired by a recent visit to a local department store.
Whilst there, a young boy of around that age, was being led in tears by one of the heavily perfumed assistants from the perfumery counter to the elevator and to who knows 'where-ever' ?
More than likely he was simply being taken to the office so that his name, if they could prise it from him, or his description if not, would be announced over the store tannoy system.
But what if he was going down and not Up? to be 'deposited' in the Lost Property closet/cupboard/basement?
I could not help but contemplate what fun it might be to be labelled with an item number and placed on a shelf to await being re-claimed, exploring all the items gathering dust there and maybe whistling a few verses of 'oh come all ye faithful' to pass the time.
Hope this helps clear a little cnfusion.
Cheers
Robbie.
Lot number seven and three quarters was inspired by a recent visit to a local department store.
Whilst there, a young boy of around that age, was being led in tears by one of the heavily perfumed assistants from the perfumery counter to the elevator and to who knows 'where-ever' ?
More than likely he was simply being taken to the office so that his name, if they could prise it from him, or his description if not, would be announced over the store tannoy system.
But what if he was going down and not Up? to be 'deposited' in the Lost Property closet/cupboard/basement?
I could not help but contemplate what fun it might be to be labelled with an item number and placed on a shelf to await being re-claimed, exploring all the items gathering dust there and maybe whistling a few verses of 'oh come all ye faithful' to pass the time.
Hope this helps clear a little cnfusion.
Cheers
Robbie.
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twoleftfeet
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- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi, Robbie.champion wrote:Hello David.
Lot number seven and three quarters was inspired by a recent visit to a local department store.
Whilst there, a young boy of around that age, was being led in tears by one of the heavily perfumed assistants from the perfumery counter to the elevator and to who knows 'where-ever' ?
More than likely he was simply being taken to the office so that his name, if they could prise it from him, or his description if not, would be announced over the store tannoy system.
But what if he was going down and not Up? to be 'deposited' in the Lost Property closet/cupboard/basement?
I could not help but contemplate what fun it might be to be labelled with an item number and placed on a shelf to await being re-claimed, exploring all the items gathering dust there and maybe whistling a few verses of 'oh come all ye faithful' to pass the time.
Hope this helps clear a little cnfusion.
Cheers
Robbie.
I had a similar reaction to DavidS.
It makes sense now that you've explained it, but without the explanation I wouldn't have made the connection between
a lost child wanting to be reunited with its parent and the "fun" to be had from being left alone in a lost property basement. As a claustrophobe I find that prospect terrifying
I think the waters were further muddied, for me, by the title which is suggestive of an auction and also made me think
of Adrians, moles and diaries. Plus, the opening (a short-trousered period) seemed to imply the years one spent in short
trousers (and scabby knees) rather than the minutes following your spotting the lost kiddie in the store.
So, I'd be tempted to change the title and - if further clarification is necessary -the opening.
Plus I'd experiment with the tenses, as pointed out by Ray.
The meat of the poem is perfectly edible, in my view.
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
Hello Geoff.
Whilst considering a title, and hoping to have some sort of reference to the 'lost item' stored on a shelf with a label/number attached, I came across the Wikipedia explanation of what a lot number is, and found myself quite amused at the thought of applying that definition to a child.
(A lot number is an identification number assigned to a particular lot of material from a single manufacturer. Lot numbers can typically be found on the outside of packaging. The idea is that the lot number enables tracing of the constituent parts or ingredients as well as labour and equipment records involved in the manufacturing of a product.)
You were quite right Geoff, in that the 'seven and three quarter' reference was to the period spent in short trousers, and seemed at the time the most apt 'item number' for the little fella, so I am glad that that was how you initially perceived it.
I think I am still trying to acquire my balance on that tight-rope we once talked about, between leaving nothing for the readers imagination and being just a little to vague or obscure .
Thank you for the read Geoff and for your suggestions.
Very much appreciated.
Robbie.
Whilst considering a title, and hoping to have some sort of reference to the 'lost item' stored on a shelf with a label/number attached, I came across the Wikipedia explanation of what a lot number is, and found myself quite amused at the thought of applying that definition to a child.
(A lot number is an identification number assigned to a particular lot of material from a single manufacturer. Lot numbers can typically be found on the outside of packaging. The idea is that the lot number enables tracing of the constituent parts or ingredients as well as labour and equipment records involved in the manufacturing of a product.)
You were quite right Geoff, in that the 'seven and three quarter' reference was to the period spent in short trousers, and seemed at the time the most apt 'item number' for the little fella, so I am glad that that was how you initially perceived it.
I think I am still trying to acquire my balance on that tight-rope we once talked about, between leaving nothing for the readers imagination and being just a little to vague or obscure .
Thank you for the read Geoff and for your suggestions.
Very much appreciated.
Robbie.