Poetry Forum

revision

She divides each sepia image in half
with the nail scissors she found.
The snipping is hungry. Relentless
child bites that devour an hour.

Placing the bodies with care
on granma's bed creates a carnival
parade of Siamese twins -
all wedded at the hip.

She tries to permanently join a couple
but gives up. The sellotape
is an awkward child. It twists and curls
and the scissors can't cope.



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original

She cuts the sepia with nail scissors that
divide each photograph in half.
The snipping is hungry. Relentless
child bites that devour an hour.

Placing the bodies with care
on granddad's bed creates a carnival
parade of Siamese twins -
all wedded at the hip.

She tries to permanently join a couple
but gives up. The sellotape
is an awkward child. It twists and curls
and the scissors can't cope.

Hello Mac,

You've given us a terrific overall image here, particularly well handled in S2, I think. I like the child/sellotape metaphor which develops in S3 too.

There's something about the opening two lines that's doesn't read quite right to me though. Would it be better the other way around?

She divides each photograph in half,
cuts the sepia with nail scissors.

Hmmm, not sure.

You've got a stray capital 'T' in S3 L2.

Cheers,
Nash.

.....oh, and I forgot to mention. I might well be missing something crucial in the reading because I don't think I understand the relevance of the title.

I'm struggling with this one, Mac. A child, I think, is very passionately rearranging family relationships and is frustrated when she can't make one important one stick? Is she the one waiting?

Jackie

Thanks Nash and Jackie for the suggestions and comments. I've made some edits.

all the best

mac

Hi Mac
"She divides each sepia image in half" is an improvement for sure. Like Nash however, I'm not sure I understand the relevance of the title. but I like the image of the fraustrated child clipping away at photos with inadequate scissors.

Kev

Interesting final verse. She tries to permanently join a couple but gives up - that would be a great description of a foster child's experience, though I'm not sure that's your intent. Certainly some kind of family breakdown.
The sellotape is an awkward child - that's nicely done, too.
I suppose "sepia image" implies a certain age.
granddad's bed, wedded at the hip. Incest, perhaps?

but I like the image of the frustrated child clipping away at photos with inadequate scissors.

Thanks Kev. The title merely means what is says. While waiting to be picked up this is what she does.

cheers

mac

Thanks Ray. The breaking apart and putting together was part of it, though I hadn't intended any suggestion of incest.

cheers

mac

Macavity wrote:Thanks Ray. The breaking apart and putting together was part of it, though I hadn't intended any suggestion of incest.

cheers

mac

I like this a lot, Mac, but I had the same thought as Ray.

Would "granma" be less suggestive?
And something other than "bodies", perhaps?

Geoff

Thanks Geoff. I've taken your suggestion for an edit. It is a sad fact, and a natural one, to 'distrust' the male. Is this the impact of news/TV on the consciousness or has the male as 'sexual predator' always been part of society?

mac

Hello Mac.
I actually found the initial ambiguity of the title that a couple of the others seem to be puzzling over, appealing, and only made me wish to discover what occured? whilst someone/something was 'waiting to be 'picked up'.

I really enjoyed the way that in each of the three stanzas you produced some wonderfully vivid imagery, setting up each image with its preceeding lines.
These lines in the first stanza were my favourite.

The snipping is hungry. Relentless
child bites that devour an hour

They created for me a lovely picture of a childs 'fingers and thumbs' scissor technique, with their tongue sticking out in concentration. The clever way you related time and motion with 'hungry snipping' and 'devoured hours' was a pleasure to read.
The awkward child sellotape metaphor was very original, and definitely one of those that you wish you had thought of yourself. Very creative Mac.

I must admit my own interpretation was as innocent in the same way that your explaination of the title suggested, in that it was merely something that the little girl found to do whilst waiting to be picked up from her granddad's house,
and though I did contemplate what she may be imagining the 'newly divided' couples would look like with 'new' partners, the more seedier suggestion that led you to edit to her 'granma's' bed had not entered my head.

I totally agree Mac, it is a very sad fact that in society today, it has become a natural instinct to distrust the intentions of the male with regards to children.

A thought provoking piece for me Mac.
Cheers for the read
Robbie.

Thanks again Robbie. It is always helpful to know how a poem works in the mind of a reader. Appreciated.

all the best

mac