Poetry Forum

revised

All week this dad is driving vans to buy
us jeans. The Black Country lies far beyond
our home. Sunday he reads the paper and falls
asleep. The mum's watching a matinee
she's seen. We play our knock down ginger game.
No one unbolts a door. The bank is muddy
and we christen our jeans. It's the old cane
across our hands. 'Little bastards,' she screams.


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original

All week the dad is driving vans to buy
us jeans. The Black Country is far beyond
our street. Sunday he reads the paper
and falls asleep. The mum is watching a film
she's seen. We play the knock down ginger game.
No one opens a door. The bank is muddy
and we christen our jeans. It's the old cane
across our hands. 'Little bastards,' she screams.

Mac wrote:
All week the dad is driving vans to buy
us jeans. The Black Country is far beyond
our street. Sunday he reads the paper
and falls asleep. The mum is watching a film
she's seen. We play the knock down ginger game.
No one opens a door. The bank is muddy
and we christen our jeans. It's the old cane
across our hands. 'Little bastards,' she screams.

Mac, first impressions. The word the before dad, mum, and old cane, jarred for me on reading.
The ginger game may be subject to locality so I did not understand the reference, and therefore the line
no one opens door eluded me has to meaning, is it part of the game.?
seeya.D

Hi Mac,

The mum is watching a film
she's seen.

I wonder if it is a bit over "eee"d at this point....Week/jeans/street/sleep/reads.. and then "she" and then "seen".
Dunno.

Seth

The word the before dad, mum, and old cane, jarred for me on reading.

Thanks David. I was attempting to convey these were fostered children and familiar with punishment.

cheers

mac

Antcliff wrote:Hi Mac,

The mum is watching a film
she's seen.

I wonder if it is a bit over "eee"d at this point....Week/jeans/street/sleep/reads.. and then "she" and then "seen".
Dunno.

Seth

Too many additives? I'll see if I can clean out some of these wee 'e's

mac

All week this dad is driving vans to buy
us jeans. The Black Country is far beyond
our home

Hiya Mac it seems like line 2 is part of line 1 and that the van is being driven in the "black country"
(hope that makes sense)
Reading the paper in version 1,came across better for me.

seeya......D

Reading the paper in version 1,came across better for me.

Thanks David. Duly re-instated.

mac

I like this. Puts the reader in a fabric of time where entertainment wasn't based on technology (apart from Mum watching afternoon tv) Dad driving miles for economical reasons, kids being kids and being punished for it. Good old times? I feel like knocking on a door and running away!

A pleasant snapshot of events which were commonplace life situations in the not too distant past, quite possibly heading for a resurgence in light of the current stresses placed upon sections of society, those which are far removed from the bed wetters currently raking it in large style off the backs of ordinary folk through the redistribution of wealth exercise taking place all around us.

Thanks for the read

Dalena

I feel like knocking on a door and running away!

Now that could be a metaphor! Good old times? - well the petrol was cheaper Thanks for stopping by wd and taking time to comment.

all the best

mac

raking it in large style off the backs of ordinary folk through the redistribution of wealth exercise

Thanks Dalena. I think they call it re-balancing the economy eg devaluing the pound so the wealthy put their money into gold and the poorer spend more money on fuel costs.

cheers

mac

Macavity wrote:

raking it in large style off the backs of ordinary folk through the redistribution of wealth exercise

Thanks Dalena. I think they call it re-balancing the economy eg devaluing the pound so the wealthy put their money into gold and the poorer spend more money on fuel costs.

cheers

mac

Too true. A nice snap shot Mac. The black Country is only about ten miles up the road from me.

The black Country is only about ten miles up the road from me.

Thanks Kev. Ten miles? I presumed you were in its concrete heart

cheers

mac

Macavity wrote:

The black Country is only about ten miles up the road from me.

Thanks Kev. Ten miles? I presumed you were in its concrete heart

cheers

mac

Oh no Mac I'm a Brummie born and bred. The Black Country is a separate area with its own Identity. I know many black country folk who would be very miffed if thought of as Brummies.

The Black Country is a separate area with its own Identity. I know many black country folk who would be very miffed if thought of as Brummies.

I stand corrected! I didn't realise the 'tribal' area was so specific


http://www.bbc.co.uk/blackcountry/uncov ... t_is.shtml

cheers

mac

David Smedley wrote:The word the before dad, mum, and old cane, jarred for me on reading.

Yes, I confess I found the mix of first person (our home etc) and the objectification of mum and dad (through the use of the definite article) a bit confusing, too.

Apart from that, quite a nicely constructed, and readable, personal (I assume) reflection, though - for me - it lacks that dimension of allegory/philosophy/observation that tends to characterise a really interesting poem.

Cheers
peter

Thanks Peter. 10% fact, 90% empathy.

all the best

mac