Poetry Forum

I am new to this. This poem is original. This is more of a spoken word poem, but I would still like feedback. This is the first poem I have every wrote. Free verse/prose, and it's kinda long but please read the whole thing lol. PS it may be a little confusing....I don't know much about poetic techniques so I am eager to read some of your guy's constructive criticism.

The Bully-
The bully gets up and stares at his next victim
"Look at yourself, you are the trifecta-
ugly, stupid, and weak
get yourself together, u are an incompetent, self-serving,
unresponsible human beeing that should be demolished from this world
so lets talk specifically about your problems
u only take selfies when you draw anti-art on your face seeking
to hide your ugly-marks, your pimples, your chapped lips, and
your droopy eyes. when will you recognize that make-up makes you
look down. dont try to hold back your tears because your eyes are like
geysers so you must let them flow. the tears you cry remind me of the flood that God has sent. u r hoping to wipe out all the evil in the world but you must recognize that Noah's ark has already set sail and you are not a passenger. maybe your ugliness could be cured by God but you have turned your back to him way too many times i think there is no way to make youurself look beautiful because you are eternally ugly

ok enough of your looks, lets talk abouot ur mind
you are so stupid that u can bareli spell
ur brain only works as good as a monkey's
how stupid are you? you say "you is" instead of "you are"
do you even now grammer?
how dumb are you that you cant see that you should live a normal life
no wonder you dropped out of school, becuase you will never be smart

you know wat lets go back to your looks
your body is soo small like dude you are frail
i can buy your arms with a side of meatballs at an italian restuarant
if you get sentenced to jail you might just end up pregnant
you idiot dont you know you will never survive
even though you feel alive im warning you to strive to revive those muscles
but i know you wont, because you are weak

u are weak not only physically, but emotionally
u cry all the time when someone slightly hurts you
u are the biggest hypocrite, making fun of others all the time,
well now it's your turn to get bullied, maybe now you will understand
that you are not the victim, maybe now you will see how much pain you have caused, maybe now you will open your eyes and not be blinded by
the tv light that has turned you into a slave u imbesile
maybe now you will see the sea sparkling and you will appreciate how
great everything is around u, but maybe now you will see that you do not belong in this world
listen man, u might as well kill yourself...you are a worthless human being, you do not deserve to live..you must die..maybe now you realize
what you must do and stop crying."

"Yess I do," responds the victim.
The bully looks away from the mirror, aims the gun at the victim's head
and commits suicide.

Hi,

If you want comments on something this long you'd better get stuck in and comment on a few poems! Don't worry if you don't want to tackle the technical aspects, just say which bits seem really strong or weak to you.

Ros

Well, you certainly don't suffer from writer's block! Blimey.

Actually, despite the chaos, I rather like the central idea - the bully making himself (himself? Able to get pregnant?) his own next victim, and committing suicide. Clever. And some good lines, too.

....make-up makes you
look down.

is particularly well-observed.

Overall, though, it's just too undisciplined for this reader. I recognise the slightly ironic use of bad punctuation/spelling/grammar, as part of the bully's voice, but it's much too overdone. I think you need to separate the first and third person (the bully's voice and the narrator's) more distinctly. And a tiny bit of structure might help. As it is, it's just a maelstrom. As I say, I realise it's partly ironic, but I suspect much of the chaos is unintentional.

Verdict? Neat idea, needs a bit of work.

Cheers
peter

Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism! This was my first poem and I wrote this before learning about techniques. I feel like If I can learn all about poetry and rewrite this, then it will be an amazing poem. Again, thanks!

P.S all of the grammar/spelling mistakes were intentional but the puncuation mistakes weren't.

Hi, HodgePodge, the ending for me was over the top. sublter is more effective I have learned.

The use of the "bad" spelling technique is overdone for me.

Some of the wording is stagnant to me I.E

great everything is around u, but maybe now you will see that you do not belong in this world
listen man, u might as well kill yourself...you are a worthless human being, you do not deserve to live..you must die..maybe now you realize
what you must do and stop crying."

I like the premise of the bully bullying himself.

seeya...D

Hodgepodge, I think there's some great talent in you waiting to be unleashed, the idea you have here is a very good one.
The format is a bit muddled but there are great ideas in there.
You will learn to form your writing much better if you take on board the helpful advice you get here.
Look forward to reading more of your work.

BinB.

Very much in agreement with Arian. Also enjoyed the free flow of ideas and the use of teen-speak (dare I say?) 'selfies' jumping out at me in particular which all goes to show a fresh and modern poetic approach, one the younger generation could certainly relate to. Try to include more of this and watch out for lame or cliched phrases (there were a couple in there) or direct and obvious terms - u imbecile being one. Go through the piece and think how these weaker lines might be made more clever and original. This will probably take some time, but the end result will be well worth the effort and sometimes things just come to you, so make the most of any flashes of inspiration. The ending was a disaster but I get the feeling you didn't quite know how to tell the tale using the bully's voice which, considering this is your very first poem, is hardly reason to give up! Far from it - this shows a great deal of spark and potential.

Really like the bully being his own victim, really good