Message On A Postcard

[David Smedley]

Hello mother, hope you are well.
Forgive me for taking so long to write,
I am, I think, finally returning to something like
my old-self.

I am watching the sunset,
seabirds dive out of fire and brimstone
cleaving the sea for silversides
that run in schools
just off the reef here.

The village women
are blowing conch shells,
heralding their men's return
from the sea.

[Macavity]

Hello mother, hope you are well.....................Threads with the 'illness' concern
Forgive me for taking so long to write,........................................like the irony of that, just writing a postcard
I am, I think, finally returning to something like.........................like the drop of doubt, hesitation in I think
my old-self..............................................................I like the plain opening, the sense of time passing, lost

I am watching the sunset,.......................................finality
seabirds dive out of fire and brimstone .............................religious
cleaving the sea for silversides..............................always liked that word 'cleaving'
that run in schools.................................................community, rather than solitude
just off the reef here.

The village women.........................................observational, outside
are blowing conch shells,......................................sense of place
heralding their men's return.................................'heralding' sounds more English, than Pacific
from the sea.

enjoyed

mac

[KevJ]

I am watching the sunset,
seabirds dive out of fire and brimstone
cleaving the sea for silversides
that run in schools
just off the reef here.

Nice one David I particularly like this stanza. very vivid imagery.

[Arian]

I quite like the idea, David, but I think it struggles a little. For me, the problem is that the title, and the first couplet, invites the reader to see the piece as a 'real-world' message, and it fails to convince on that level. It's too evidently an artifice. Perhaps some people really do write to their mothers in this vein, but I can't help doubting it. Maybe the solution is as simple as dropping s1. Makes it a bit minimalist, but it could still work.

As a point of interest, you're probably already familiar with this very famous 'message on a postcard', but - if not- it's worth a read. one of my favourites for sheer invention. The couplet about mist is, for me, the very essence of poetic expression.

http://wonderingminstrels.blogspot.co.u ... raine.html


Cheers
peter

[Jackie]

Hi David

I really like

seabirds dive out of fire and brimstone
cleaving the sea for silversides
that run in schools
just off the reef here.

except fire and brimstone sounds a little clichéish? How about just

seabirds cleave the sea . . .

Jackie

[David Smedley]

Mac, thanks for reading and posting a reply, happy you got something from this....D

Kevj, my thanks to you too, keep em comin...D

Peter, thanks for that, this is my third draft of this and from your view I will go for another option on revising.
I had not seen that poem before and especially enjoyed the "couplet" you highlighted....D

Jackie, I agree with you on the cliche "fire and brimstone" I really thought though that I used it in a context where that would be negated.....thank you..D

[JoeW]

Hi all, this my first post, just read the rules and it suggests that a new member should comment on two posts before posting their own work. As a layman, and a newbie I don't think I'm in any position to critique anyone's work, but for what it is worth I really like this poem, I like the way it flows, and I love the imagery of it being on a postcard.

Hope everyone is well,

Joe

[David Smedley]

Hello Joe, Thank you for your thoughts on this, I'm happy you enjoyed it....D

P.S. Keep trying your critiquing skills on my poems as you learn them.