Poetry Forum

Paint me blue
under a milky moon halo

Cover me
with a cobalt cloak

Smooth my skin
with your pale paint palette

Bow my head
like a compliant Madonna

Close my eyes
although I will not pray

Leave me a chalice
but don't let me drink

Make me glow

Hello Disraeli, welcome to the board.

I like a bit if ekphrasis and I think you've captured the image well (it is Picasso, isn't it?)

However, it seems a little repetitive to me as it is. The first three couplets are essentially - verb me with an alliterative adjective/noun combo. I'd like to see it broken up a bit and a bit more of a flow introduced somehow.

Sorry if all that seems a bit negative on your first post but I think it has the potential to be a lovely piece. I'll look forward to reading more from you.

All the best,
Nash.

I read this one aloud and it's a really difficult read. The second line is almost a tongue twister and the emphasis seems to all wrong.

Likewise the "don't" in l12 seems to jar. Maybe "never" as an alternative.

Having said that it does capture the spirit of the piece, it's just that it doesn't flow as a whole.

Steve

Hello Disraeli -- and a very warm welcome

It certainly captures the painting - I actually read it as the drinker speaking to the absinthe, asking it to take away the pain that made him drink. So for me it worked - make me glow was the right ending.

For the future, yes the others are right too heavy with alliteration. Like all techniques the power of alliteration is when used sparingly. Was it in Dulce et Decorum Est or another Owen poem -- "blood bangs" is used? Check that out?

Look forward to more

elph

Thanks for the comments and the welcome, folks. The poem is indeed inspired by a Picasso painting - one of several that inspired me.

http://faculty.dwc.edu/wellman/absinth.jpg

This is from his blue period when he was painting beggars, prostitutes, alcoholics etc. In this painting I felt he was idealising this woman and using religious imagery i.e. the way she bows, the cup like a chalice, the halo etc. Hence why I used those images in the poem.

I think you're all right about the alliteration. It is overdone. There's at least one stanza too many and 'under the milky moon halo needs work. Lots of thoughts and ideas there. Thanks - much appreciated. I'll work on it.

Bow my head
like a Madonna

Like the irony of that simile.

pale paint palette

I read the poem easily enough, that was the obvious alliterative overkill for me.

As an exercise take out the modifiers and decide which ones the reader needs:

Paint me blue
under a halo

Cover me
with a cloak

Smooth my skin
with your palette

Bow my head
like a Madonna

An obvious one to remove would be paint (appears twice in the poem).

Make me glow

Like the 'weight' of that line.

cheers

mac

I agree with others here, the modifiers paint before palette, and compliant before Maddona,
should go.
I think milky moon could be straying into cliche territory.
I think the poem needs more "life" injecting into it; somehow it "feels dead." The last line has life.

seeya....D

Thanks Mac - good points. Agreed pale paint palette is overdone.

Thanks for the comment David. I think you've summed it up nicely. Picasso's painting breathes life into a 'dead' figure. That's what he was doing in his blue period. In this case he's painted an alcoholic prostitute and used religious connotations. I've been doing pretty clumsily but you've given me an idea of rewriting the poem in the voice of the woman after she's seen the painting. Thanks.

Hi Disraeli,

welcome to PG

Sorry about that 1880 election.

I liked this (and like ekphrasis).

Maybe "palette of pale paint" to break up the P-ing a little? Just a thought.

Best wishes,
Seth

I didn't know that picture, but I did know this one: http://www.wikipaintings.org/en/edgar-d ... inker-1876

Just in case that fact is vaguely interesting.

Disraeli wrote:I've been doing pretty clumsily but you've given me an idea of rewriting the poem in the voice of the woman after she's seen the painting. Thanks.

I like the sound of that.

Antcliff wrote:Hi Disraeli,

welcome to PG

Quite!

Antcliff wrote:Sorry about that 1880 election.

Like!

Cheers

David

Thanks David. I was aware of Degas's painting and the reaction to it. So was Picasso. He was influenced by Degas. Thanks for reading both of you. I'll get back to it when I get over that election result.