Poetry Forum

Second poem for the forum, hope you enjoy, tried something a bit different so fingers crossed


Dew gloss, wet shine,
The sober russet tones,
Of wilting past, no more new.
Cracking golds, and fading youth,
Burning bright colour, but even embers fade,
In time, time will have its way.
All things settle and slowly dance their bright beginnings away,
Until the russet tones alone remain,
Waiting for time to take,
And begin the devision of parts,
Yet here I will stay,
Amoungst the fading gold and russet tone,
With weary step upon these tiered feet,
And through the veil of cold,
Time will take skin from bone,
With all things once golden,
Faded now are these russet tones.

Liked this one better than the previous one, Joe. Some nice images. Here's my thoughts and the changes I would make but I'm no expert.

Dew gloss, wet shine, do you need both dew gloss and wet shine? Less could be more here
The sober russet tones, could lose sober
Of wilting past, no more new. no more new is telling. Leave the reader to work that out
Cracking golds, and fading youth,
Burning bright colour, but even embers fade, lose the comma
In time, time will have its way. full stop between the two times
All things settle and slowly dance their bright beginnings away, like this
Until the russet tones alone remain,
Waiting for time to take, lose to take
And begin the devision of parts, change and to to
Yet here I will stay,
Amoungst the fading gold and russet tone,
With weary step upon these tiered feet, what does tiered feet mean?
And through the veil of cold,
Time will take skin from bone, love this image
With all things once golden,
Faded now are these russet tones. how about now gone as the last line

Best wishes and good luck with this.

Mike

tried something a bit different

A bit different from what?

A problem I have with my stuff is that I can produce words that "capture" the effect I'm trying to communicate to my satisfaction, but only by using concepts, phrases and/or words that many people have used before. The reason those words have been used before is that they're effective, and may still be so for readers who don't read much poetry, but the poetry scene's a crowded place, and those phrases lose their power after a while.

The challenge I set myself is to express old ideas in new (or at least personal) ways. It may seem less sincere/authentic to do this, but some of the phrases I was using weren't mine anyway.

Dew gloss, wet shine,
The sober russet tones,
Of wilting past, no more new.
Cracking golds, and fading youth,
Burning bright colour, but even embers fade,
In time, time will have its way.
All things settle and slowly dance their bright beginnings away,
Until the russet tones alone remain,
Waiting for time to take,
And begin the devision of parts,
Yet here I will stay,
Amoungst the fading gold and russet tone,
With weary step upon these tiered feet,
And through the veil of cold,
Time will take skin from bone,
With all things once golden,
Faded now are these russet tones.

Hello Joe. There is too much repetition for me I.E. Russet, Tone/Tones, Gold/Golden. Sometimes repetition works but for me it jars here.

The first line does not make sense to me when trying to fit it into the lines that follow it. I can imagine that in your mind they make sense, but for me that clarity has not transferred to the poem.

The language used gives the poem a whiff of "oldness". I.E. sober, wilting past, embers fade, weary step, tired feet.
Proof-read if you can remember to, tiered should be tired, and devision should be division.

I hope these views, along with others from your readers give some points to think on...David

Hi Joe,

I do like your images. My problem with the poem, though, is that it doesn't seem to go anywhere. The richness of color seems to convey value and life, but if this atmosphere is your starting point perhaps you don't spend enough time enhancing it. By the third line you already have Of wilting past, no more new. , so I don't need to read to the end to get to Faded now are these russet tones .

Thanks for posting—I have to get posting myself!

Jackie