Poetry Forum

I know the craic is to make some critques on here before posting and I will..... I promise, I am just a little nervy at present as I have only just dipped back into poetry, and to critque another persons work seems more daunting than posting a poem. I do however know from experience that critquing work is often a good way to undo the belt of writers block, so bare with me. I am also posting this here, rather than in the experienced section where i used to post, as I feel it is more appropriate here.


The quirky things love translated as cute-
wiping the kitchen sides immediately after me,
tucking your toes in-between my thighs
appear much less tolerable in this tenth year.

It was very clear-cut. Sex was awkward
but consistent. Every benign conversation
was as powerful as man's final statement-
I'd wake and get hard as you asked me

to cut the lawn. Not for the love
of our shoe-box garden but for the joint
purpose in your voice. We'd slowly
pass through this world together-
In our very own head-to-toe umbrella
where the acid rain of a rancid world
was a mere drip-drop of annoyance-

A Boxing Day tsunami barely acknowledged,
observed on a muted screen
that served only as a light for our
midnight meal of Stilton and wine,
nakedly devoured on our recently bought
Ikea rug. Not a care for death or crumb.

Now as you sleep alone in the bed
I am aware just how much we have drifted
reminded not by your absence
but how the face of a parentless child

nn an Oxfam television advertisement
brings wrongly brought tears
and how the thought of another today
has me searching sites for undesired porn
and the top ten bare-knuckle knockouts.

It's a powerful piece, Vincent. Admirably honest.

S4 is excellent, could be a poem in its own right.

The title's a bit neither here nor there, it deserves a better one I think.

It needs some minor bits of tidying up. There's a few errors in capitalisation of the opening words on each line towards the end. I think you need to decide whether you're having capitals or not (I'd suggest not). Typo, a Oxfam = an Oxfam.

Good piece.

Nash.

i am only posting cos you posed it in this section - to just say that i enjoyed it, and thought it showed more than just polished technique.

i was left confused if your partner was meant to represent some larger malaise, but maybe i'm being thick.

?

Hello again, Vince. Very good, I think.

wiping the kitchen sides immediately after me, - maybe straight after me?

In our very own head-to-toe umbrella
where the acid rain of a rancid world
was a mere drip-drop of annoyance- bit contrived, I think

The 4th stanza is great, even better if you end at rug and avoid the commentary.

Think you need "a" before parentless

where the acid rain of a rancid world
was a mere drip-drop of annoyance-

Maybe 'laying' it on too thickly with 'rancid world', too general and judgmental. Perhaps the acid rain is enough. I enjoyed S4 too.

cheers

mac

Thaks folks.

Macavity, you're right about laying it on to thick here, I knew it as I wrote it but found no better way at the time. Something to work on in the edit.

Ray, again, that part does read contrived and is something I will be working on- thanks. Will add the a before parentless completely missed that one.

i get what you are saying about the part of rug. Part of me agrees with you, yet I still like the crumb/death line, although I am thinking its better to end it on rug. We shall wait and see!

clemonz wrote:i was left confused if your partner was meant to represent some larger malaise, but maybe i'm being thick

Hi Clemonz, you are probably right about representing a larger malaise!!! maybe it was an unconscious theme during the writing of the poem. Thanks for the input.

Nash, thanks for the input. I too like s4 and can see it is stronger than the rest, maybe just because of the point it is making rather than the language, not sure yet! will also ammend the typos. Thanks to you all again.

Its nice to be back

Regards

Vincent