Poetry Forum

The subjective conciousness
Or the hive mind,
Is their perception
Just like mine?

Or not we realise
A jot about each other?
Lonely as a man
Who misunderstands his brother.

Sit in a room of friends
But still be on your own
Is reality ;to live.
To truly be alone.

Or are there rarities
When you can cross the plane
And find yourself entangled
In another persons brain.

This is what I dream of
A holy grail to find,
To explore the landscape
Of another persons mind.

Hello S.O.H. I am having a hard time deciphering your poem, whatever you the author was trying to impart to me the reader as not come through with any clarity.

The subjective conciousness
Or the hive mind,
Is their perception
Just like mine

I couldn't work out who their in L3 were.

Or not we realise
A jot about each other?
Lonely as a man
Who misunderstands his brother.

The continuity of Lines 1 and 2 above do not follow with ease from the first stanza, they also do not make sense to me in their present order.

Sit in a room of friends
But still be on your own
Is reality ;to live.
To truly be alone.

Clarity of meaning is lost in the above.

Or are there rarities
When you can cross the plane
And find yourself entangled
In another persons brain.

I feel this is the key stanza to the poem, I would liked to see "spiritual" before plane in L2, (Iassume that is the "plane" you allude too?)

Hope some of this helps..D

I couldn't work out who their in L3 were.

perhaps a good thing?

i THOUGHT it sounded a tiny forced for what it is... keep working at it though, you have the nucleus of self apperception needed to write poetry i'll like

I am having a hard time deciphering your poem, whatever you the author was trying to impart to me the reader as not come through with any clarity.

I think the persona's saying 5 times that s/he has trouble relating to people. It's a topic that's popular with budding poets especially, but also with experienced ones. Here the rhyming and typos don't help, though I think the content's the main problem. I'm tempted to suggest putting it away and starting a very different poem in a new voice rather than attempting a re-write.

I think I get the idea that its the uncertainty that you can't really know someone else's thoughts ultimately leaving you alone?

sleitofhand wrote:Is reality ;to live.To truly be alone.

I think may need revising, I think it could be portrayed better. Being alone has already been explained in the previous stanza. Maybe something in mentally not physically alone?

Is the whole of the 4th stanza not a question?

Very interesting though, enjoyed it.

G'd evening Sleit of Hand,
I think there's plenty here, but I found your syntax hard to follow, especially the link between s1 and s2. I'm also not keen on the metaphor of the Holy Grail as a way of exploring , I feel it's the other way round - you quest for the HG.
Regards, c.