Poetry Forum

It's been a while since I last posted anything and kind of got out of the swing of things but here is my latest attempt

I can't forget your face
Even though I let you go
Surrounded by the image of your voice
I pray that death comes swiftly.
But you pray for there to be no god
So my prayers are unanswered
Seems you have won this round
I will live yet another day.
But the day will come
When you stop praying for me
I can not say the same
I will pray for death swiftly

Hi,

In this poem, you seem to be saying that praying for there to be no god is the same as praying for me. And the person prayed so effectively that he wiped out god, so your prayers for death were not answered. That's a pretty powerful prayer! To me, it's an idea that would fit a sonnet—you even have a "turn."

I also suggest working with another form because I think it would help you to fill this out, rethink it (what does the image of your voice mean?) and give it more structure.

Enjoyed this.

Jackie

I'm afraid this doesn't work for me, because it doesn't ring true - if the feeling of loss was so great that someone really wanted to die, I think their feelings would be much more confused and deep than superficial language plays on praying and death. I think some personal details, something that made the people real, would work better than superficial abstractions.

Ros

Think Jackie has a point about reworking as a sonnet. At the moment I'm a bit confused about who is praying for who and for what exactly.

hi,
i liked the alliteration in the first line, it's not (quite?) a cliche, and it sets the poem up nicely. the argument is slightly convoluted, but i think i can unpack it - i think that you need to rework the juxtaposition of atheism and not (yet) drying, it's a (tiny) bit heavy handed - as it stands.
also consider (IMHO)
hyphenating "Even-though"
and adding meaning / significance to the use of "image"...

My first critique on here - so here goes.

I sort of felt this held no surprises for me, it felt laboured in some parts. and I did lose my way along the path, it does need a little more clarity.
Some of the imagery I enjoyed felt you could have painted a wider picture in some areas with your choice of words.

Worth re-working in my humble view.

Poppy ~xx~

Mornin' Lunar Tree,

Quite liked this, but a few niggles:
1st line, I like the alliteration, but the phrase is rather hackneyed
3rd line, just a personal thing probably, but don't like use of image with voice, is there an apter word you could use?
Like K-J I am confused about the praying and it seems to me there is a non sequitur between lines 5 and 6, the logic of the effect of the atheists prayers seems wrong somehow. Well worth re-working, I reckon.
Regards, C.