one more morning

[bonnscott]

Eyes opening, shuddering the body from that lonely deprived sleep

Black, ugly, sickness clinging like water over stones in a stream

Washing you in isolating oil, so no skin is free from that debilitating embrace

Not a cold grip, but a tepid clammy void ready to pull, drown and smother

Misery holding her arms out wide, smiling, teeth broken like your dreams

Feasting on your under nourished life queuing up for their piece of flesh.

Heart like a forgotten cursed crypt ravaged by time.



new to this and dyslexic so please excuse the grammar.

[KevJ]

Hi Bonn Scott. Is that your real name or are you honouring the late Bonn Scott os ACDC fame I wonder. Enough of that you want to know what I think of the poem. Well it's an interesting piece Not sure I follow the narrative though. May need to re read a couple of times I think. Will do that and come back. Is there a reason you've chosen to double space the lines? Just curios. visually I find it doesn't help with the reading. Just a thought.

Welcome to PG

Kev

[David]

Well done again, Kev, for another very nice welcome to a new member. I find I agree with you here as well.

It's certainly a description to make the flesh creep, bonnscott. And that must be the intention. A bit over the top, maybe? Or maybe not!

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Great first line - real drama.

Not sure I follow the sense of the rest of it, but it certainly has a Hammer Horrors feel to it, possibly moving into melodrama - slightly tinny; unreal.

Still. If you're new to it, it's a pretty good start!

Cheers
Peter

[Moth]

The horrors of depression? If this is the case, most of this works, but I feel you should re-think 'clinging like water over stones' firstly because water doesn't cling and secondly the image would be stronger if you took the reader to the kind of stream you probably have in your mind, one full of debris and slime which prevents the water from flowing and does make it cling. Sludge might work as a single word alternative, the water's already indicated by 'stream'. Also 'queuing up for their piece of flesh' - her piece of flesh, perhaps, to continue on from Misery? I'd be tempted to use a metaphor as opposed to a simile in the final line also. The heart, a forgotten... That way you can omit the one full stop in the poem from the previous line.

[cynwulf]

Your meaning came over well, right from the appropriate title. Sense of horrific isolation well drawn, had a Lovecraftian creepiness about it rather than any OTTness. I actually like the full stop and the pause that gives before you go on to the last line. I look forward to seeing more.
Regards, C.

[jpgallagher]

Hi, I'd agree with the comments about 'clinging like water' - makes me think more of vitality than the image that the rest of your poem conveys. Think also it should be under-nourished (?) but grammar has never been my forte. That being said it is a powerful piece, and if it's not fueled by some personal experiences then it's a very convincing sell.