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Hungover
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 3:38 pm
by jpgallagher
It's said that getting drunk
is just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I am at the bottom of my overdraft.
My bank manager is outside, roaring,
hurling bricks at the front room window.
Re: Hungover
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 4:10 pm
by David
Nice little snapshot, jp. A short strong draught. I like it.
Cheers
David
Re: Hungover
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:58 pm
by Beowulf
IMO the first two lines could be simplified, perhaps as
It’s said – getting drunk
is borrowing happiness from tomorrow
also why not drop “front room” ?
Re: Hungover
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 8:06 am
by cynwulf
Agree with David on this. B may be right about the shortening of the 1st 2 lines, but 'front room' seems needed to me, somehow important to the situation.
Regards, C.
Re: Hungover
Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 8:42 pm
by Macavity
hurling bricks at the front room window.
One brick should be sufficient to smash a window. Specifying the
front room locates the action.
cheers
mac
Re: Hungover
Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 2:58 am
by k-j
This is good.
But - does anyone with an overdraft actually have a bank manager anymore? The very rich but dissolute, perhaps, the odd celeb? But surely the days of the personal bank manager are long gone.
Agree that the plural "bricks" doesn't work with "window". How about "aiming a brick at the front room window"? Makes it more menacing, and slightly funnier I think.