Poetry Forum

gone to publ land

This is fun. I particularly liked 'neither bride or kiss'. Isn't it normally neither... nor?

Found v3 a bit less convincing than the others - age and rage feel a bit arbitrary?

Ros

Ros wrote: Found v3 a bit less convincing than the others - age and rage feel a bit arbitrary?

Ros

Thanks ros - I wanted to convey age of wisdom, rage of youth - thought of sage, then mage, but didn't like the sound of one and the other was too near muse - tweaked to me and 'beyond me' (the rage)

all the best

mac

Nice one Mac. Enjoyed the Rhymes and a hint of melancholy I think hear.

Kev

Thanks Kev. Still not happy with S3.

all the best

mac

Macavity wrote:revision
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Neither here or near
forever calling
over the howling mere
forever binding
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Neither bride or kiss
forever riding
beyond the prowling mist
forever falling
asiandating
And then me in rage
forever scrawling
across the scowling page
forever blinding

never finding
the daring pulse of you

Great poem! I love the rhythm of it. I hope to write as well as this one day

Thanks you very much inside. And welcome to the forum!

all the best

mac

Hi,Mac.

I too stumbled momentarily on the neither - or/nor thing, especially with it being in the first line. And it took several reads to settle on who was doing or being done to; the last two lines are the solution to that question.

Could "prowling mist" be "prowling miss" for the sake of the rhyme and an unspoken "failing", as in missed opportunity/ or shot wide of the mark, to go with the falling? (No, on second thought, I don't think so: thete's a good chance it would be misread initially as the miss/mistress meaning, which would cause ambiguity.) Ditch that idea.

forever scrawling
across the scowling page

Best lines of the piece. "Scrawling" and "Scowling page". Who hasn't been there: the dismissal of the "scrawling" and the intimidation of the "scowling".

On first reading this piece I was immediately reminded of Coleridge's Dejection: An Ode. The poet bemoans the loss/absence of his muse, decries his inability to write and ends up defeating the sense of loss (at least for a while) by turning that very situation into the thing he thinks he has lost, poetry.

Thanks elotrooso. nor is not something I say, a natural option for me, but for reader expectation I'll bend the pen to 'standard English' . May use failing. Will ponder if that is too pointed or not.

A mention of Coleridge - excellent! An excuse for a re-read

all the best

mac

This is getting there, I'd say. I think here

And then me in rage

you need something stronger than 'then', something that keeps the 3 stressed beats.

Ros

Ros wrote:This is getting there, I'd say. I think here

And then me in rage

you need something stronger than 'then', something that keeps the 3 stressed beats.

Ros

Thanks for re-visiting Ros. A number of possibilities come to mind....

all the best

mac