House Plant/ Rev

[1lankest]

This aspidistra
sown for fashion
sags as a boy
on his first school day
stood alone

in the playground
clad in hand-me-down
hat and scarf
looking back
through the bars.

[Antcliff]

ha! Great. I know that shrub. Super.

[elotrooso]

I don't get the reference to the shrub but a lovely, evocative piece all the same.

[1lankest]

Thanks Seth, happy days!

Thanks elotrooso, what don't you understand about the shrub reference, in case I have missed something and need to add or subtract some detail? Cheers for commenting.

Luke

[cynwulf]

I enjoyed the aptly extended metaphor you use,Luke; I was that boy. Not sure I understand 'sewn' do you mean this, or is it a typo for 'sown'?
Regards, C.

[1lankest]

Gosh course it should be sown.....me and my spelling.

Cheers for commenting cyn.

Luke

[Wazza]

Luke, I think it's great. I think many of us can see something of ourselves in that metaphor. I really like the way The shrub and stood alone are separated. Would it have been possible to make the last stanza similar in construct ie in the playground ........ looking back. Whatever, a brief but enjoyable read.
Wazza

[elotrooso]

Hi, Luke.

"Sewn" had me thinking the shrub was perhaps a commercial logo on some out of date but once fashionable clothing the boy is wearing, but beyond that I couldn't put another context to it. "Sown" resolves that and puts the fashionableness on the selecting of the plant.

The sadness and sagging of the shrub seem in S1 to be related to the boy's situation. Or they are both unrelated to the boy, but N is associating the plant's poor -neglected?- condition with the emotional state he observes in an Everyboy, if you will. This uncertainty on my part may well be just a reflection of my limitationa as a reader and not of your writing.

My uncertainty about who the boy is in relation to N, I find, carries over into an uncertainty about the location of the house plant/shrub. "This" in L1 makes it seem like the plant is wherever the narrator is, which, since the boy is alone, is presumably somewhere other than the playground. "House Plant" also seems to put the plant in a house from within which N is making his/her obsevations.

So, the plant is in N's house? Is that also the boy's home? I am uncertain. And since the boy and the plant seem be be under observation at the same time, the house in which the plant and N are located would appear to have a sight line to the playground. Is the boy looking back from the playground at his own house? If so, "a boy" seems emotionally distant for some one who lives with the boy.

Ummm, that's rather more than you asked for. Luke. (For that matter it's more than I thought I had to say.)

For some, probably purely emotional, reason that I can't put a finger on, as I was re-reading your poem, I was put in mind of Coleridge's Time, Real and Imaginary: A Fragment.

Don't let the above make you think I have changed my view that this is a lovely evocative piece. The image of the boy looking back is strong and fraught (without needing anything more specific about what it is fraught with.)

Lovely piece.

[the stranger]

Keep the Aspidistra Flying!

The metaphor on the whole works well, and a feeling of 70's sadness overwhelmed me.

BUT "sown for fashion" did throw me a little?

The word "fashion" I don't get the context?

Cheers
TS

[Macavity]

This sad shrub.................................that's a big telling...what shrub is it?
sown for fashion...................................................great resonance
sags as a boy.....................................................sad/sown/sags effective sounds
on his first school day
stood alone

in the playground
clad in hand-me-down ...........................................does this clash with the fashion statement? like the assonance of sag/clad
hat and scarf ........................................................translates the cold
looking back
through the bars................................the title suggests in doors? the plant has been put outside?

The loss of childhood freedom, disconnect, comes through powerfully in the image. Evocative and a poem that will connect with readers.

Reminds me of the isolation...

http://www.poetryinternationalweb.net/p ... OUND-BLUES

very much enjoyed

mac

[byneothr]

I like you piece. However I would not use 'sag'. Were you going for the sound of 's'? The reason is that I can't imagine someone sagging and looking through bars. I picture sagging as someone's body bent and head lowered, and I see bars arrayed vertically. For the boy to look through bars he would have to have his head raised which I believe would change the position of the body. Or... change the vision from looking through bars to looking at his feet or the ground. Thanks.

[1lankest]

Wazza, thanks.

Electrooso, thanks for you detailed responses. It's really helpful. And I don't think you are limited as a reader. Clearly not.

Thanks stranger. I might steal the plant name - not that that's what I had in mind but it would sound good there ( cheers also Mac, I agree that's a tell)

Cheers byn, why would he have to raise his head to look through the bars? Over, sure, but through?

Luke

[Antcliff]

Still like this poem/extended comparison. One of my favourites of yours. Did I say "shrub"? Idiot. I meant to say that I know that plant. Still, shrubs can sag that way too.

Seth

[Antcliff]

And I am reminded of a past appeal for elaborate descriptions of ways of moving. viewtopic.php?f=2&t=18953&p=160180&hili ... ng#p160180

[1lankest]

Ta Seth, appreciate the reference.