Original Poem:
Fucking beginning poet
Light shines directly at my face
utensils rattle in my mouth.
He asks, Does it hurt? What about here?
The side of my face hangs to my waist
drool slops onto the bib.
Another question.
All that comes out is drg brar drey or other shit.
He chuckles, adjusts the light.
Rewrite: Pulling the right words out
Light shines directly at my face
utensils rattle in my mouth.
He asks, Does it hurt? What about here?
The side of my face hangs low
drool slops onto the bib.
Another question.
All that comes out is drg brar drey
He chuckles, adjusts the light closer
Beginning poet (re-write)
Hi Steve,
I enjoyed this quite a lot.
No idea what the title is on about but the writing is irreverent and amusing.
Light shines directly at my face
utensils rattle in my mouth......good.
He asks, Does it hurt? What about here?
The side of my face hangs to my waist......can't quite see this.
drool slops onto the bib.......good.
Another question......like this.
All that comes out is drg brar drey or other shit.
He chuckles, adjusts the light.......nice final couplet.
Not sure what the message or overriding/underlying meaning is but I enjoyed the dental experience.
I enjoyed this quite a lot.
No idea what the title is on about but the writing is irreverent and amusing.
Light shines directly at my face
utensils rattle in my mouth......good.
He asks, Does it hurt? What about here?
The side of my face hangs to my waist......can't quite see this.
drool slops onto the bib.......good.
Another question......like this.
All that comes out is drg brar drey or other shit.
He chuckles, adjusts the light.......nice final couplet.
Not sure what the message or overriding/underlying meaning is but I enjoyed the dental experience.
I like the last line best, Steve. Chuckles is a great word.
I have the feeling that you're not quite saying what you mean in the first line. I'm thinking, of course it is. What's special about the light?
The long face bit works for me, but not quite to the waist because the next line is only to the bib.
Your tone is sharp and quick; like that.
Jackie
I have the feeling that you're not quite saying what you mean in the first line. I'm thinking, of course it is. What's special about the light?
The long face bit works for me, but not quite to the waist because the next line is only to the bib.
Your tone is sharp and quick; like that.
Jackie
1Lankest,
You validate. "No idea what the title is on," is proving my poem is true.
I'm the beginning poet who can only spit out such as, "drg brar drey"
If others feel the same, clearly I need another title, but more likely better verse
Thanks
Steve
Jackie,
I've been thinking about the length of face. I agree.
I thought the light shining in my in my face was clear enough, but your comments made me think harder. Something is rattling around in my mind last night that i think will make this much better.
Thanks!
Steve.
You validate. "No idea what the title is on," is proving my poem is true.
I'm the beginning poet who can only spit out such as, "drg brar drey"
If others feel the same, clearly I need another title, but more likely better verse
Thanks
Steve
Jackie,
I've been thinking about the length of face. I agree.
I thought the light shining in my in my face was clear enough, but your comments made me think harder. Something is rattling around in my mind last night that i think will make this much better.
Thanks!
Steve.
Can a poem be true, Steve? I think it needs to evoke or provoke, and as such ring subjectively true for different readers. Your title will put many readers off, I'd imagine. And that would be unfortunate as I think it's good.
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Suzanne
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Hi Steve,
Writing poetry and dentistry is a very clever, i think. Feeling like everything you write is jibberish, yes. I know that feeling, too. I love the sensation of having to many pieces of metal in your mouth. And love the attitude of the dentist. You've managed to make him a full character with so few words!
It is a bit comical that the title itself does seem to prove the point. The feeling of the title may be accurate but it gives the reader the wrong taste in her mouth. I think tying denistry into the title would be good.
Other than the line about the waist ( you can use waist and readjust the line OR change waist for another word, either option would work) and the title, this is quite good for a fucking beginning poet. Lol. Sorry, couldn't resist.
I look forward to more. Nice first post. Really.
Suzanne
Writing poetry and dentistry is a very clever, i think. Feeling like everything you write is jibberish, yes. I know that feeling, too. I love the sensation of having to many pieces of metal in your mouth. And love the attitude of the dentist. You've managed to make him a full character with so few words!
It is a bit comical that the title itself does seem to prove the point. The feeling of the title may be accurate but it gives the reader the wrong taste in her mouth. I think tying denistry into the title would be good.
Other than the line about the waist ( you can use waist and readjust the line OR change waist for another word, either option would work) and the title, this is quite good for a fucking beginning poet. Lol. Sorry, couldn't resist.
I look forward to more. Nice first post. Really.
Suzanne
Ah, it took Suzanne to enlighten me! Sorry to have been so dense.
Truly, your writing is far better than "drg brar drey or other shit." But you might reconsider the title.
Jackie
Truly, your writing is far better than "drg brar drey or other shit." But you might reconsider the title.
Jackie
1Lankest,
yes, you are right. I meant to say this poem is true to me in my experience of frustration in knowing it can be better and not being able to get the right words out.
Suzanne,
What can I say? Thanks for the compliment and suggestions. It is indeed my first post and terrifying for a newbie aspiring poet. Any suggestions are welcome.
Jackie,
Thanks. About the light, my thought was that the dentist is whatever is prompting a look inside (muse?). Would it work better if I changed the dentist to "She" and later, "Muse asks another question"? I thought it would be too direct.
To all:
And after several comments, I've taken out the foul language. I put it in to express my anger at not getting the right words out.
I very much appreciate the comments. I want to learn to write well, have several more poems in the works,and know I can not possibly produce anything in time of worth without your help. Thanks
yes, you are right. I meant to say this poem is true to me in my experience of frustration in knowing it can be better and not being able to get the right words out.
Suzanne,
What can I say? Thanks for the compliment and suggestions. It is indeed my first post and terrifying for a newbie aspiring poet. Any suggestions are welcome.
Jackie,
Thanks. About the light, my thought was that the dentist is whatever is prompting a look inside (muse?). Would it work better if I changed the dentist to "She" and later, "Muse asks another question"? I thought it would be too direct.
To all:
And after several comments, I've taken out the foul language. I put it in to express my anger at not getting the right words out.
I very much appreciate the comments. I want to learn to write well, have several more poems in the works,and know I can not possibly produce anything in time of worth without your help. Thanks
Welcome SteveR
Your poem engaged me -- always a good thing. If I could be so bold as to suggest the essence of the poem is in this
The side of my face hangs to my waist
drool slops onto the bib.
All that comes out is drg brar drey
... You might consider the rest as padding, although I can see its needed to make the dentist connection. I would suggest a better title can do that, don't know what it would be though
I would stick to waist as it has some half rhyme with face
I think too you could introduce some interesting line breaks, for example
The side of my face hangs
to my waist, drool slops
onto the bib. All that comes out
is drg brar drey
Just some thoughts ... Like your style
elph
Your poem engaged me -- always a good thing. If I could be so bold as to suggest the essence of the poem is in this
The side of my face hangs to my waist
drool slops onto the bib.
All that comes out is drg brar drey
... You might consider the rest as padding, although I can see its needed to make the dentist connection. I would suggest a better title can do that, don't know what it would be though
I would stick to waist as it has some half rhyme with face
I think too you could introduce some interesting line breaks, for example
The side of my face hangs
to my waist, drool slops
onto the bib. All that comes out
is drg brar drey
Just some thoughts ... Like your style
elph
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ray miller
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- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Hello Steve. Nice title now - Pulling the right words out. I preferred the waist line to just hangs low. adjusts the light closer sounds unnatural to me. If you're gonna have closer, then I'd suggest draws the light closer.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Thank you all for the great insights. I see how they make the poem much better.
Wazza,
The F words are gone--for good. In fact, I've never used them before in a poem, and likely not again for a long time. I had been working on another poem and nothing was working. I was so frustrated and angry about it that I decided to try to put my feelings down in verse. This poem popped out. I should have sat on it longer before posting.
Elphin
You are right, that is the essence of the poem. I originally chose the word waist for that reason, and since Ray also thinks so, It will be put back. I will look closely at the line breaks. It is a definite weakness I have and usually do all kinds of variations. I'm never really sure of them so your input on this is valuable.
Ray,
You and Elphin agree, Waist should go back in. Thanks
Steve
Wazza,
The F words are gone--for good. In fact, I've never used them before in a poem, and likely not again for a long time. I had been working on another poem and nothing was working. I was so frustrated and angry about it that I decided to try to put my feelings down in verse. This poem popped out. I should have sat on it longer before posting.
Elphin
You are right, that is the essence of the poem. I originally chose the word waist for that reason, and since Ray also thinks so, It will be put back. I will look closely at the line breaks. It is a definite weakness I have and usually do all kinds of variations. I'm never really sure of them so your input on this is valuable.
Ray,
You and Elphin agree, Waist should go back in. Thanks
Steve
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Arian
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Yes, very good. All the more so for someone who claims to be new to it. Sounds like you may be new to writing, but not to reading. There's an experienced poet in there somewhere.
As to the piece itself, I completely agree with the f-word edits. It's not a matter of prudery, or even sensitivity. It's just that they served no purpose. Gratuity in poetry is one of the worst crimes.
Even before I read the thread, I thought 'what a pity to lose that waist line, in favour of the bland hangs low'. So, yes - my vote is with others to reinstate waist. Much more graphic.
Otherwise, it's sharp, amusing and pointed, I'd say.
Cheers
peter
As to the piece itself, I completely agree with the f-word edits. It's not a matter of prudery, or even sensitivity. It's just that they served no purpose. Gratuity in poetry is one of the worst crimes.
Even before I read the thread, I thought 'what a pity to lose that waist line, in favour of the bland hangs low'. So, yes - my vote is with others to reinstate waist. Much more graphic.
Otherwise, it's sharp, amusing and pointed, I'd say.
Cheers
peter
The new title suggests someone, some external agent, can surgically remove words from aspiring poets. Not sure I like that, or that the metaphor works in fact. I get the teeth/words comparison, but the new title adds a dimension that I'm struggling to parse.
Is it just me? Probably.
Luke
Is it just me? Probably.
Luke
Luke,
Thank you.
My thoughts are that as poets, something inspires us to express our inner thoughts. Is it Muse, subconscious? I don't know. All I kow is that at times, it seems as if a light searches shines on me, searching deep within, asking me to express the thoughts, connections, feelings, and ideas.
I envisioned that light of inspiration shining on my mind and then I struggle to get the right words out. As a beginning poet, that's how it feels to me, and I think it is a combination of me and inspiration, whatever that is. That's why I opened with light and then as I struggle to express myself, the dentist (muse or subsconscious or whatever), re-adjsuts the light.
At one time I considered referencing the dentist as "She" and later, "Muse asks another question"? I thought it would be too direct, too obvious.
I'm interested what you think on this.
cheers
Steve
Thank you.
My thoughts are that as poets, something inspires us to express our inner thoughts. Is it Muse, subconscious? I don't know. All I kow is that at times, it seems as if a light searches shines on me, searching deep within, asking me to express the thoughts, connections, feelings, and ideas.
I envisioned that light of inspiration shining on my mind and then I struggle to get the right words out. As a beginning poet, that's how it feels to me, and I think it is a combination of me and inspiration, whatever that is. That's why I opened with light and then as I struggle to express myself, the dentist (muse or subsconscious or whatever), re-adjsuts the light.
At one time I considered referencing the dentist as "She" and later, "Muse asks another question"? I thought it would be too direct, too obvious.
I'm interested what you think on this.
cheers
Steve
The problem I have with this, Steve, is that N is so passive. I think that is why the first line bothers me—it does seem as if Muse's Fair Countenance is shining on N, but N doesn't even seem to recognize it as such. She or he seems just to react, without thinking.
Jackie
Jackie
Thanks Peter,
I appreciate your input on the poem. Yes, I've enjoyed reading poems for a long time, just never written them. I tried for a while and gave up because I wasn't happy with them but I'm going to give it another try to learn this difficult art.
Yes, the F words are gone. You are right, they were gratuitous. I've thought it over and waist is back in.
Very much appreciate your input. Thanks
K-J
Thanks for chiming in as well. I agree with you and have kept it as, adjusts the light.
Steve
I appreciate your input on the poem. Yes, I've enjoyed reading poems for a long time, just never written them. I tried for a while and gave up because I wasn't happy with them but I'm going to give it another try to learn this difficult art.
Yes, the F words are gone. You are right, they were gratuitous. I've thought it over and waist is back in.
Very much appreciate your input. Thanks
K-J
Thanks for chiming in as well. I agree with you and have kept it as, adjusts the light.
Steve
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Suzanne
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Hi again,
I like the new title. Pulling is good. How about
Pulling them out?
A little tip for a newbie such as yourself, you can change the title in the title box to reflect your new edit. And it is to your advantage that the newest version of the poem is read first
so go ahead and put it first in the text box, then the edits below.
Just a tip.
Suzanne
I like the new title. Pulling is good. How about
Pulling them out?
A little tip for a newbie such as yourself, you can change the title in the title box to reflect your new edit. And it is to your advantage that the newest version of the poem is read first
so go ahead and put it first in the text box, then the edits below.
Just a tip.
Suzanne