Poetry Forum

Improved structure organization, title, and rhyming:

Numb Heart
By Lackadaisical

What are these empty lines that I thoroughly write?
Do I darken my paper with interesting lies?
No, I numb it with countless nonsensical rhymes.

This is because the lack of sleep takes
My numb heart from the blue ocean's hands
So deep and wide to the shallow lakes
Of the sterile drying desert lands.

As of now I press the keys of this keyboard
With no key purpose in my mind;
As of now I forcibly write poems before
I go to sleep and fall behind.

So I'll finish these lines,
These nonsensical rhymes,
To ask yo
__________________________

Original:

Meaningless lines & Nonsensical Rhymes
By Lackadaisical

What are these empty lines that I thoroughly write?
Do I color my paper with words?
No, I fill it with countless nonsensical rhymes.
This is because the lack of sleep takes my numb heart
From ocean depths to the shallow lakes of a drying land.
As of now I keep pressing the keys of this keyboard
With no key purpose in mind.
As of now I keep forcing a poem before I go to sleep
Being less of a poet tonight.
So let me finish these lines, these nonsensical rhymes,
To tell yo

Froot you've had a name change? My one thought is not to telegragh the content with this title Meaningless Lines & Nonsensical Rhymes

all the best

mac

Hi Lac,

The title threw me off, too—I suppose I was looking for some Jabberwock.

I like the last two lines: in my experience whenever there's a numb heart, there's a "you" but as soon as you begin typing the word, you fall asleep. That's serious numbing.

Jackie

Oh guys thank you for replying!

Macavity,
I did change my username because I did not like 'Froot' , but yeah I kind of thought for a moment that the title might give a different expectation. After all, this is my first posted poem, I did not put a lot of effort into the title.

Jackie,
Yup, the title was kind of a thing I thought of in a few seconds before posting. Next time I will put more thought on it. And I just love that you appreciate the last line and grasp its meaning!

Thank you for your feedback guys, very kind of you indeed!

I think I'd like more rhymes - nonsensical or not. Or am I just missing them?

Cheers

David

David wrote:I think I'd like more rhymes - nonsensical or not. Or am I just missing them?

Cheers

David

I agree David, and I have posted the new version along with the original one. I would be thankful if you would be so kind as to review the new one and tell me any flaws that are still present. Thank you so much for your feedback, for after writing the new version I feel I have got one more chance to improve. I hope you like it and have a merry Christmas!

It rhymes better now, LD, but it's still quite a bumpy read. I like the idea of falling sleep at the keyboard, and how you demonstrate that, but there are still a number of phrases - thoroughly write, forcibly write poems, I go to sleep and fall behind - that don't sound like anything that someone would actually say.

Starting out, imitation is a great exercise. I think you might enjoy picking out a poem that you really like, and copying that format in a poem of your own. It's an enjoyable exercise, and it makes you conform to a pattern that another poet has found useful.

Give that a go. Of course, that raises the question: which poems do you like? There must be some. You have to read. Read read read read read. Nothing in this line is worse than someone who writes poems without reading a whole lot more.

Cheers

David

David wrote:It rhymes better now, LD, but it's still quite a bumpy read. I like the idea of falling sleep at the keyboard, and how you demonstrate that, but there are still a number of phrases - thoroughly write, forcibly write poems, I go to sleep and fall behind - that don't sound like anything that someone would actually say.

Starting out, imitation is a great exercise. I think you might enjoy picking out a poem that you really like, and copying that format in a poem of your own. It's an enjoyable exercise, and it makes you conform to a pattern that another poet has found useful.

Give that a go. Of course, that raises the question: which poems do you like? There must be some. You have to read. Read read read read read. Nothing in this line is worse than someone who writes poems without reading a whole lot more.

Cheers

David

Thank you for continuing your feedback! Though I disagree that not many would say 'thoroughly write', I do agree than no one says forcibly or fall behind. I will follow your suggestions and read more poems as well as imitating he style of those who I like. This will logically take up time so I'd rather be absent for a few weeks while I get things of school over with before I fully get into perfectioning my poetic skills. Again, thank you for further criticizing my work, have a great time with your loved ones and this Christmas!

Thank you. Same to you.

Seasonal cheers

David

Lackadaisical wrote:Improved structure organization, title, and rhyming:

Numb Heart
By Lackadaisical
fbforce
What are these empty lines that I thoroughly write?
Do I darken my paper with interesting lies?
No, I numb it with countless nonsensical rhymes.

This is because the lack of sleep takes
My numb heart from the blue ocean's hands
So deep and wide to the shallow lakes
Of the sterile drying desert lands.

As of now I press the keys of this keyboard
With no key purpose in my mind;
As of now I forcibly write poems before
I go to sleep and fall behind.

So I'll finish these lines,
These nonsensical rhymes,
To ask yo

It is definitely a great improvement from the original, especially the structure! Good job; however, i think there are a few ups and downs you can work on. I don't have enough time right now, but ill get back to you and give you a better analysis of my opinion.