Poetry Forum

Einstein

complicated even the most obvious
with all that jargon about how objects
don’t actually fall toward each other
how the sun didn’t pull
spinning orbs into its vortex
after the big bang

no

he said it was curved space-time
that caused my world to explode
into a universe of particles
that coalesced into your space
pulling me tighter into your curvature
stopping time

he was right

Hi, Steve.

I really like the second half, slyly erotic. Not as keen on the first half, especially "jargon" and "orbs". Witty.

I like this poem. some thoughts.

Einstein

complicated even the most obvious
with all that jargon about how objects
don’t actually fall toward each other
------------------------------------ I
how the sun didn’t pull -------------- I would remove these 3 lines
spinning orbs into its vortex
after the big bang
-----------------------------

no

he said it was curved space-time
that caused my world to explode
into a universe of particles
that coalesced into your space --- nice line

pulling me tighter into your curvature ---- not sure about this line, but like the implications of 'curvature' maybe remove 'pulling me tighter',
and just use "into your curvature"?

stopping time ---- like this line

he was right --- very nice

good work, thanks.

Excellent poem. My only suggestion would be to incorporate Einstein in the poem itself and a new title of Relativity.

Very much like the format Steve and pacing. Some nicely threaded sonics in there too - you haven't overplayed the alliterative 'c' s and the 'v''s are lightly scattered. Liked the echo of curved/curvature. Perhaps orbs are straying into poetic diction? You'll find some excellent poetry/science writes on the forum - Ros and Cynwulf for instance.

all the best

mac

Stever,

I really like this.
'
I was going to say that the last line is not needed. But I see that you've such a tidy format going on here, so I have changed my mind. But I might find something less direct to say the same thing. Showing rather than what you have ... ha! I can SAY that easily. I know it is not easy to do.

I like the no alone
I like there is no punctuation

I like the title walking into the poem. though I think ray's idea is good too. It is a toss up.

Well done. I am keeping an eye on you. You might improve and get me inspired.
Suzanne

Just as stated above, the last three lines before the "no" threw me off a bit. Everything else was very creatively, from the way you make the title, "no," and "he was right" outstand really adds in to the poem by making it flow very well while still communicating the message with easiness.

Great job and happy holidays!

Think this is great. Especially like the second stanza. like the eroticism. Or is it just my dirty mind working overtime again

Welcome to PG

Kev

KevJ wrote:Think this is great. Especially like the second stanza. like the eroticism. Or is it just my dirty mind working overtime again
hungry shark evolution cheats
Welcome to PG

Kev

Haha, I loved the second stanza too, dont worry , youre not alone with the dirty mind if it was not intended

I so much appreciate the encouragement and help all of you give me.

Elotooso, Byneothr, Suzanne, Mac, Ray, Lackadaisical, Kev, insidememor, please be patient.

I've seen your great comments but due to my work schedule working long days, simply have not had time to get back to this. I will take all your comments to heart and do my best to make this poem better.

Hopefully i'll be able to post edits soon

Your help is much appreciated

Steve