He wasn't one for art.
Dragged around a Harrogate gallery
he stared at the canvases,
urging on a rumbling from his soul.
Nothing erupted from the Yorkshire landscapes,
except the strange urge to feel some dew on his shins.
This rural scene sparked least of all,
until in a flash of intimacy
she pressed up against his back,
resting her head on his shoulder.
It then became the most interesting thing of all.
Those lines! That frame!
That glorious chip in the wall beside the painting!
His eyes searched for interest,
desperate to keep the moment lingering onwards.
The title was read and re-read until
it was seared into his memory for all of time.
He left the moment unburst as long as he dared,
choking back a cough
for fear of scaring away the love.
He searched again and again,
until with a tickle in his throat
and a flutter in his heart
she took flight with a sigh.
The Pantry at High Barn
-
bodkin
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Nice idea. With parts like this:
"He left the moment unburst as long as he dared,
choking back a cough
for fear of scaring away the love."
You do not need the last line. That's just telling the reader what they can work out for themselves. Trust that when you show people doing things for normal human reasons the reader (being also human) will get it.
Also just ending on "choking back a cough" would be strong.
Ian
"He left the moment unburst as long as he dared,
choking back a cough
for fear of scaring away the love."
You do not need the last line. That's just telling the reader what they can work out for themselves. Trust that when you show people doing things for normal human reasons the reader (being also human) will get it.
Also just ending on "choking back a cough" would be strong.
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/
Hello, jp. I'm not much for titles, but I believe I understand most. Yours, I can only guess, do you mean the inside of a swanky joint? Just curious.
He wasn't one for art. I think this is a good line, it describes the hero with a few deft strokes.
urging on a rumbling from his soul. I believe the line is trying to describe the hero's attempt to appreciate something he doesn't. However, I think you should change this line. It doesn't flow for me.
The next 3 lines can be trimmed.
resting her head on his shoulder. I'd remove this line as I don't feel it's needed.
It then became the most interesting thing of all. Cute.
His eyes .... lingering onwards. I would remove "for interest" and "lingering onwards."
The title.....for all of time. I'd remove these lines.
He left the moment unburst I'd change this line.
for fear of scaring .... I'd change this line.
Unlike bodkin I believe the last verse is needed, something to close the episode. However I'd change the last verse.
On the plus side, you have taken me to where the hero stands. I understand him, and share his desperation. Good job.
He wasn't one for art. I think this is a good line, it describes the hero with a few deft strokes.
urging on a rumbling from his soul. I believe the line is trying to describe the hero's attempt to appreciate something he doesn't. However, I think you should change this line. It doesn't flow for me.
The next 3 lines can be trimmed.
resting her head on his shoulder. I'd remove this line as I don't feel it's needed.
It then became the most interesting thing of all. Cute.
His eyes .... lingering onwards. I would remove "for interest" and "lingering onwards."
The title.....for all of time. I'd remove these lines.
He left the moment unburst I'd change this line.
for fear of scaring .... I'd change this line.
Unlike bodkin I believe the last verse is needed, something to close the episode. However I'd change the last verse.
On the plus side, you have taken me to where the hero stands. I understand him, and share his desperation. Good job.