Perspective

[jcmcarthy]

I am the red stripe,
I am the green amid the blues,
I am the early morning hue,
I am your life and death,
That early birth and final rest,
I am the slurred words and stumbled step,
The blade of grass from the height you leapt,
Today, tomorrow and yesterday,
Monday, Wednesday and all the other days,
I am the toy you dare not touch,
The closet monster you feared so much,
Inside your head, outside your hands,
I am the one playing the tune in your marching band,
My slow caress, simple dab,
My boiling whispers, never drab,
Piercing eyes and forked tongue,
I am the one, the one, the one who won,
Above the ground and below my own earth,
I am the dark pattern upon the hearth,
Firelight dwindled as I do not,
I am the burning embers the inferno shot,
A volcano, a monsoon with tidal wave,
I am the last person you tried to save,
Carrying in and carrying out,
I am definitely the one who did never shout,
I am the one who doesn’t want for this and long for that,
I surely never would trade tit for tat,
I am the one who wrote the labels on your shirt,
I am the one your judgements never hurt,
I’ve got me and you can keep you,
For I am the one, the only one who.

[Macavity]

Very much like the tone and delivery of this. Pleasurable to read. Did find the last line abrupt. Perhaps one that lingers would be more effective and apt.

all the best

mac

[xanadu]

Really like this. I like the flow and reiteration of the ideas. I'm struggling to place who the target is though.Partner, lost love, family member?
I felt that if another half dozen lines or so were added to give some closure or finality to the piece,then this would make this an excellent effort. As it is, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[Arian]

Yes, very good. It has a strong rhythm, sustained well by a (nearly) end-rhyme couplet form which rarely intrudes or sounds forced.

I suspect it's a piece that's stronger in recital than on the page, and its narrative seems a little unsure of itself, but - for all that - it's a very nice thing to read.

Cheers
peter

[the stranger]

Yep, good stuff.

It's very hard to sustain rhyme without it seeming forced, on the whole I think you did a great job, although i did think you faltered in the final 5 lines.

I think they're worth addressing, it reads as though you ran out of steam and thought fuck it, these will do.

Enjoyed
TS

[Gbn]

Liked this...enter sandman influence about half way thru? Closet monster..in your head...? Only bit that jars for me was your description of the days....ending,,all the other days...can't help,but think there may have been a way to express this more in keeping with the pace and tone used elsewhere....but...very enjoyable

[KevJ]

I very much enjoyed this without entirely understanding what it was about. Like the rhymes and the general tone and flow. Not 100% sure about that last line but can't offer an alternative.


regards Kev