When the lakes freeze in Alaska
you can hear them creaking like doors
unoiled and unhinged by the cold.
All they are saying is this- Winter come soon,
give me your blanket of snow,
tuck me up to the chin, and tell me the stories of old.
Snow in Alaska
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Nash
I agree with k-j, this is a beautiful piece.
I'd perhaps consider playing around with the layout a bit if it was mine, but that is a very, very minor crit and not altogether necessary.
Look forward to reading more from you.
Nash.
Oh, and welcome, by the way!
I'd perhaps consider playing around with the layout a bit if it was mine, but that is a very, very minor crit and not altogether necessary.
Look forward to reading more from you.
Nash.
Oh, and welcome, by the way!
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HenryBones
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 91
- Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2014 8:02 pm
Also thought this was a lovely poem, with some intricate, but delicate, sound patterning - 'lakes', 'Alaska' and 'creaking', for instance. One very minor quibble was the last half of the last line. I stumbled a little over 'tell me the stories of old', and wondered if something like 'bring me the stories of the days of old' might work better? Although that might make the line a little long and unwieldy?
But overall, a thoroughly enjoyable read.
But overall, a thoroughly enjoyable read.
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Hello, Ton, good to meet you
I concur with the previous commentators. I like the sounds attributed to the lake as it freezes and moves. It shows, quite clearly, that it's constantly shifting like a glacier. I enjoyed the descriptions and similes and love the sense of place you develop with your observations. This could be developed further if you brought it into first hand present tense. EG Only
'The lakes freeze in Alaska
they creak like doors
unoiled and unhinged by cold' ETC
Maybe 'cold' could be replaced by a front or well known icy wind etc. The lakes are freezing so it must be 'cold'. There is an opportunity here methinks.
Could you name a particular lake or lake district? Alaska is the largest U.S. state and I'm sure all the lakes freeze at some point, but by identifying a specific region you would further develop the sense of place.
I love the close. What a fantastic way to highlight the ancient geological activities of Alaska. The colonization by the flora and fauna (including man) and a myriad of secret stories are all implied. Tell me a story dad said the boy to his father. Ah yes, I remember it well.
Take or toss my suggestions as you see fit. Either way I enjoyed reading and thinking about your poem.
Best
JJ
I concur with the previous commentators. I like the sounds attributed to the lake as it freezes and moves. It shows, quite clearly, that it's constantly shifting like a glacier. I enjoyed the descriptions and similes and love the sense of place you develop with your observations. This could be developed further if you brought it into first hand present tense. EG Only
'The lakes freeze in Alaska
they creak like doors
unoiled and unhinged by cold' ETC
Maybe 'cold' could be replaced by a front or well known icy wind etc. The lakes are freezing so it must be 'cold'. There is an opportunity here methinks.
Could you name a particular lake or lake district? Alaska is the largest U.S. state and I'm sure all the lakes freeze at some point, but by identifying a specific region you would further develop the sense of place.
I love the close. What a fantastic way to highlight the ancient geological activities of Alaska. The colonization by the flora and fauna (including man) and a myriad of secret stories are all implied. Tell me a story dad said the boy to his father. Ah yes, I remember it well.
Take or toss my suggestions as you see fit. Either way I enjoyed reading and thinking about your poem.
Best
JJ
ton321 wrote:When the lakes freeze in Alaska
you can hear them creaking like doors
unoiled and unhinged by the cold.
All they are saying is this- Winter come soon,
give me your blanket of snow,
tuck me up to the chin, and tell me the stories of old.
Long time a child and still a child
Thanks for the encouraging remarks everyone, they are much appreciated. One suggestion to put it the present tense is a good one, which makes it more immediate,
and maybe introduce more specific details of the locale. Thanks for taking the time to write your replies!
and maybe introduce more specific details of the locale. Thanks for taking the time to write your replies!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Appealing debut, sir or madam??
I think the old and cold rhyme hold this poem together but the last line could do with being shorter to make it a more solid rhyme, less distance between the words.
Folksy is ok in such a neat vignette.
My tuppence worth
elph
I think the old and cold rhyme hold this poem together but the last line could do with being shorter to make it a more solid rhyme, less distance between the words.
Folksy is ok in such a neat vignette.
My tuppence worth
elph
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Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Hello Ton,
greetings.
I enjoyed this too. Warm..despite the cold theme.
Bit puzzled as to how the doors are creaking if they are unhinged..."unhinged" to me suggests that they are off their hinges, out of the frame. I may be muddled, I often am. Loose hinged? Or does "unhinged" only imply being a bit loose on the hinges?
Seth
greetings.
I enjoyed this too. Warm..despite the cold theme.
Bit puzzled as to how the doors are creaking if they are unhinged..."unhinged" to me suggests that they are off their hinges, out of the frame. I may be muddled, I often am. Loose hinged? Or does "unhinged" only imply being a bit loose on the hinges?
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Thanks again for your suggestions and comments. Ive been writing "poetry" on and off for years, throwing it away the next day, starting again etc. The feedback is quite amazing, and humbling. I am still in a quandry what to do with this poem, as i have almost rebuilt it from the ground up. I will post a revision, soon, hopefully.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves