Poetry Forum

When the lakes freeze in Alaska
you can hear them creaking like doors
unoiled and unhinged by the cold.
All they are saying is this- Winter come soon,
give me your blanket of snow,
tuck me up to the chin, and tell me the stories of old.

Wonderful! So simple and a brilliant ending. Sorry I can't offer you any suggestions!

I agree with k-j, this is a beautiful piece.

I'd perhaps consider playing around with the layout a bit if it was mine, but that is a very, very minor crit and not altogether necessary.

Look forward to reading more from you.

Nash.

Oh, and welcome, by the way!

Also thought this was a lovely poem, with some intricate, but delicate, sound patterning - 'lakes', 'Alaska' and 'creaking', for instance. One very minor quibble was the last half of the last line. I stumbled a little over 'tell me the stories of old', and wondered if something like 'bring me the stories of the days of old' might work better? Although that might make the line a little long and unwieldy?

But overall, a thoroughly enjoyable read.

Hello, Ton, good to meet you

I concur with the previous commentators. I like the sounds attributed to the lake as it freezes and moves. It shows, quite clearly, that it's constantly shifting like a glacier. I enjoyed the descriptions and similes and love the sense of place you develop with your observations. This could be developed further if you brought it into first hand present tense. EG Only

'The lakes freeze in Alaska
they creak like doors
unoiled and unhinged by cold' ETC

Maybe 'cold' could be replaced by a front or well known icy wind etc. The lakes are freezing so it must be 'cold'. There is an opportunity here methinks.

Could you name a particular lake or lake district? Alaska is the largest U.S. state and I'm sure all the lakes freeze at some point, but by identifying a specific region you would further develop the sense of place.

I love the close. What a fantastic way to highlight the ancient geological activities of Alaska. The colonization by the flora and fauna (including man) and a myriad of secret stories are all implied. Tell me a story dad said the boy to his father. Ah yes, I remember it well.

Take or toss my suggestions as you see fit. Either way I enjoyed reading and thinking about your poem.

Best

JJ

ton321 wrote:When the lakes freeze in Alaska
you can hear them creaking like doors
unoiled and unhinged by the cold.
All they are saying is this- Winter come soon,
give me your blanket of snow,
tuck me up to the chin, and tell me the stories of old.

Thanks for the encouraging remarks everyone, they are much appreciated. One suggestion to put it the present tense is a good one, which makes it more immediate,
and maybe introduce more specific details of the locale. Thanks for taking the time to write your replies!

It's very neatly done, ton. Maybe just a little too folksy for me - and I'm a folksy kind of guy - but I like it too.

Cheers

David

Like the simile. Not sure about Alaska in the title and the poem (the same could be said about snow). If unhinged, what does it matter about being oiled? I like the folksy saying.

all the best

mac

Yep, agreed, simply great.

My issue:

"Winter come soon"

Sounds a bit like a bad impression of an indigenous fellow?

And I agree with Mac re the title.

Kris

Appealing debut, sir or madam??

I think the old and cold rhyme hold this poem together but the last line could do with being shorter to make it a more solid rhyme, less distance between the words.

Folksy is ok in such a neat vignette.

My tuppence worth

elph

I love the simplicity of this poem,yet it strikes a deep chord of connection in me...Very nicely done.

I am like the post above...Winter come soon, for some reason misses something around the rest of the poem..Minor to me all the same..

Hello Ton,
greetings.

I enjoyed this too. Warm..despite the cold theme.

Bit puzzled as to how the doors are creaking if they are unhinged..."unhinged" to me suggests that they are off their hinges, out of the frame. I may be muddled, I often am. Loose hinged? Or does "unhinged" only imply being a bit loose on the hinges?

Seth

Succinct, elegant, smart, wry....I like this a lot.

Now you mention it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxhknGARGt4

Thanks again for your suggestions and comments. Ive been writing "poetry" on and off for years, throwing it away the next day, starting again etc. The feedback is quite amazing, and humbling. I am still in a quandry what to do with this poem, as i have almost rebuilt it from the ground up. I will post a revision, soon, hopefully.

I see that this has been given a hearty thumbs up by all. I very much enjoyed it too. Short and to the point. Right up my street.

Kev