Breath out! Breath in!

[Namyh]

Breath out! Breath in!

Love leaped from rocks on high sea cliffs,
romping in the winds that pierce the mists,
stretching out wings ‘cross sun plush lands
to ride on the breaths inhaled by man

and search those souls for hearts of stone
to infuse Joy into flesh and bone
and hear their sighs make songs sing
with breath pushed out by Love’s spread wings.

What blast of sound can summon Love.
What beckon of voice will do.
What ring of the phone can hearken it
to the heartache that reigns in you.

Such crossroad of wonder in the lives of men
has starts, beginnings, hopes and ends.
It’s a tasty, succulent slice of life
that all of us covet and lucky ones bite.

We hunger for its pulse and starve ‘til it comes,
feeding on its impact with a glorious hum,
crying when it’s over dripping tears so frail,
thinking we’ll never breathe, love again or inhale

but Love still leaps from high sea cliffs
with a romp in the wind and a pierce of the mists
yet hears that heartache’s voice so thin
that it spreads its wings on the next breath in.

Namyh

[Arian]

Hi Namyh

For my taste, and I stress the word 'taste', this has a slightly portentous feel. But I like the idea, a sort of ode to love.

I like the rhyme scheme, though it seems odd that s3 breaks the pattern for some reason. And some passages lost me - for example:

What ring of the phone can hearken it
to the heartache that reigns in you.

'hearken' doesn't seem right, somehow. Not as I understand the word, anyway. But I may be wrong.
Still, a good read, and I'm sure others will find lots of good things to say about it.

Cheers
Peter

[Gbn]

I liked this but felt the line with the phone jarred. The language used does not encourage talk of phones, it seems too old fashioned...which suits the poems overall tone. But overall liked this..gbn

[Mark101]

Hi Namyh,

I loved this piece and connected with it well I think, although I have to agree with Gbn, the line about the phone really didn't go with the language, quite elegantly used, in the rest of the piece.

It has a sense of drama, and is a full thing, as in it closes almost as it opens, leaping into the wind for love.

Can I offer a suggestion or 2?

S1 L2, losing the word "the" would help the rhythm - Romping in winds that pierce the mists.
I'm not sure you need to start S2 with "and" for I me I think to start with "Search those souls", is much stronger.
S4 L2, Just a personal thing, but I'm not sure I like the word "impact" here although I can't just now offer an alternative.

The rest for me is lovely

Thanks
Mark

[fifimae]

Romantic, cadenced poem! The prose style speaks of the past but I can't see why it couldn't be made/used in a contemporary form ... perhaps more cues (like the ringing phone) which do the work of bringing an older language-form into a newer context. Fifi