Another Day REVISED

[Mark101]

REVISION

Another day is breaking, spilling fire out of the east.
Now every soul is waking and preparing for the feast.
The laying of the table and the breaking of the bread,
Yet there is one unable, as the words have not been said.
The hand has not been taken, nor the time to tend the seed.
This lonely one forsaken, has been left alone to bleed.
And even though this day I saw my first breath on the earth,
I feel no jubilation, for the hour of my birth.
It's just another day and one I rather would forget.
And when again its light has gone, I shall not feel regret.
Without another soul to share the passing of this day,
It has no business being here, and merely marks my stay.

ORIGINAL

Another day is breaking,
Spilling fire out of the east.
Now every soul is waking
And preparing for the feast.
The laying of the table
And the breaking of the bread,
Yet there is one unable
As the words have not been said.
The hand has not been taken
Nor the time to tend the seed,
This lonely one forsaken
Has been left alone to bleed.
And even though this day I saw
My first breath on the earth,
I feel no jubilation
For the hour of my birth.
It's just another day,
And one I rather would forget,
And when again its light has gone
I shall not feel regret.
Without another soul to share
The passing of this day,
It has no business being here
And merely marks my stay.

[Gbn]

This is nice. Resigned tone, world weary?...enjoyed reading this. Gbn

[Katherine]

Hello Mark, this is such a poignant poem.

'The hand has not been taken
Nor the time to tend the seed,' Beautiful! Such heartache at the lack of spouse and children.
The last line too!

I'm sure others can give you a better critical appraisal but, I just love it!

[David]

A very lonely poem, Mark. Or that's how it seemed to me. Touching.

I'd like to see you make it less regular, less sing-songy, as that effect can make the poem - as here, to some extent - monotonously jaunty. Maybe just rhyme on every other line? That would give you more freedom and lessen the sing-songiness. (Warning: sing-songiness is not a word.)

Just a thought!

Cheers

David

[Mark101]

Hi Katherine,

Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked it. I might just say that the birthday in question was 13 years ago and things are much better now However, as the years march on, I'm still not very keen on my birthdays, when I get to 50, I'm going back the other way LOL

Mark

[Mark101]

Thanks David,

I must admit that when I start to write a poem, they nearly always have this strict rhythm and almost always rhyme every line too, almost as if not in my control, but I do take your point, especially when a piece is sad or manic or anything that doesn't require sing-songiness (lol), it may well benefit from being less regular, a little more jarring perhaps in places.

I'll have a go at a revision and see how it comes off.

Thanks again for the advice.

Mark

[JJWilliamson]

Hi Mark

A gentle poem that invites the reader to share this day of mild regret. You have written a beautiful, melancholic and reflective poem
that quietly shows how 'another day' is not always full of joy and jubilation.

Some thoughts for your deliberation:

You're using trimeter for the most part with the occasional departure into tetrameter. As follows...

Another day is breaking, ...3 iambic feet & 3 stresses, with a feminine ending IE doesn't end on a stress /AnOTH/er DAY/ is BREAKing/
Spilling fire out of the east. ...I know 'fire' is one syllable but I always have it as two in my head. tricky this one. SPILLing/ FIRE/OUT of/ the EAST/ OR spilling FIRE/out OF/the EAST/ The stress count is different . yip, I'm perplexed.
Now every soul is waking ...now EV/ery SOUL/ is WAKing/ I'm eliding 'every' in my mind btw. ...3 iambic feet & 3 stresses with fem ending.
And preparing for the feast. ...drop 'and' and you get prePAR/ing FOR/the FEAST/ 3 iambs and 3 stresses with masculine ending IE ends on a stress.
The laying of the table ...the LAY/ing OF/ the TA/ble...3 iambic feet with fem ending.
And the breaking of the bread, ...drop 'the' after 'and'. and BREAK/ing OF/the BREAD 3 iambic feet with masculine ending
Yet there is one unable...yet THERE/is ONE/ unAble/ ...3 iambic feet with fem ending
As the words have not been said. ...drop 'the' as WORDS/have NOT/been SAID/
The hand has not been taken ...the HAND/ has NOT/been TAKen/
Nor the time to tend the seed, ... drop first 'the' nor TIME/to TEND/ the SEED
This lonely one forsaken ...this LONE/ly ONE/ forSAken/ 3 iambic feet, fem ending
Has been left alone to bleed. tricky one; I count three stresses
And even though this day I saw ...perfect iambic tetrameter and EV/en THOUGH/ this DAY/ I SAW/ 8 syllables and four stresses.
My first breath on the earth, my FIRST/breath ON/the EARTH ...back to trimeter.
I feel no jubilation
For the hour of my birth. ...got to give me a 2 syllable hour or make it 'moment' IE I FEEL/ no JU/bilA/tion
FOR/ the MO/ment OF/ my BIRTH/
[/color]It's just another day, ...it's JUST/ anOTH/er DAY/ iambic trimeter, 3 stresses
And one I rather would forget, ...and ONE/ I RA/ther WOULD/ forGET/ you could drop 'rather' if you want trimeter.
And when again its light has gone... and WHEN/ aGAIN/ its LIGHTS/ have GONE/
I shall not feel regret. ...I SHALL/ not FEEL/ reGRET/
Without another soul to share ... another line of I.T. withOUT/ anOTH/er SOUL /to SHARE it has a 4:3 ballad feel in the close.
The passing of this day, ...the PASS/ing OF/ this DAY/
It has no business being here ...it HAS/ no BUS/iness BE/ing HERE/ eliding the 'i' to establish Iambic tet.
And merely marks my stay.

and MERE/ly MARKS/ my STAY/ Yes, the last lines go 4,3,4,3 stresses.

Well, there we have it. That's my attempt to highlight how the poem flows. I hope you don't mind the detail.

Best

JJ

[Mark101]

Hi JJ,

I love the detail. While it's always nice that people read and like whatever you may write, (or not like as the case may be), the reason I joined a forum such as this, was to try and learn and make better the things I write. I have never studied poetry or prose, and so a lot of the terminology escapes me, so it's even better that you have explained the terminology you use also.

In L2 - I had it as "SPILLing/FIRE out/OF the/EAST" and yes I normally would say that FIRE uses the space of 2 syllables, but in this case just 1.
In my mind I join L3 and L4 to be "now/EVery/SOUL is/WAKing/AND pre/PARing/FOR the/FEAST". I do the same for L5 and L6 with a soft stress on "AND the/BREAKing/OF the/BREAD", so that those four lines (and probably others) could share 14 syllables and 7 stresses.
The same L7 and L8. It would be hard to drop the "the" from L8 as it's meant to be THE words (I Love You), as opposed to just any old words.
L12 - in my head, has 4 stresses "HAS been/LEFT a/LONE to/BLEED and so again shares 14 sylables and 7 stresses with L11.
Going through it like this leads me to think it should have been written like this..........

REVISION

Another day is breaking, spilling fire out of the east.
Now every soul is waking and preparing for the feast.
The laying of the table and the breaking of the bread,
Yet there is one unable, as the words have not been said.
The hand has not been taken, nor the time to tend the seed.
This lonely one forsaken, has been left alone to bleed.
And even though this day I saw my first breath on the earth,
I feel no jubilation, for the hour of my birth.
It's just another day and one I rather would forget.
And when again its light has gone, I shall not feel regret.
Without another soul to share the passing of this day,
It has no business being here, and merely marks my stay.

Does that seem to make more sense? I'm not sure.

L16 - I was using "hour" as 2 syllables, though I like very much "moment" also. Personally I think Hour (for me), just has the edge. Maybe because I have lived in Spain for a few years now and here when you want to say "It's time to ......whatever", you say Es la hora de, it's the hour to.......

I will just say that punctuation has never been a strength of mine and probably it lost something for the want of better instruction.

I would like it if you should drop by again, to let me know if I've made it better or worse.

Thanks again
Mark

[Mark101]

And Gbn,

I didn't forget you. Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you liked it

Mark

[David]

Ah now. I think the new layout is much better. There are still a few phrases I'm not so happy with, they're sort of generically "poety" without being specific enough to have any kind of effect (apart from a sort of vague gesturing at a mood):

the time to tend the seed

This lonely one forsaken, has been left alone to bleed (and you don't need the comma - or in I feel no jubilation, for the hour of my birth)

Whereas It's just another day and one I rather would forget just seems too flat and prosaic.

Is this you, an Englishman abroad, in the midst of a foreign feast day, Mark? Can we have lots more local colour? Imagine what D H Lawrence, say, would make of a scene like this.

Cheers

David

[Mark101]

Hello David,

Thank you very much for your comments. I do often tend to have this problem, of needing to "fill" a little in order to continue a rhyme or rhythm, but these fillers end up having little other meaning.

I do also agree that there are some clichéd lines, although I did quite like "Nor the time to tend the seed" as it follows "The hand has not been taken" as in the time has not been taken either (which I'm sure you got), maybe the tending of seeds could be the bettered.

Actually, the birthday in question was about 13 years ago (which was when I wrote the piece, I've been sitting on most of these things for years, most uncomfortable, not having the nerve to post them). It was not in itself, a bad birthday, there were lots of friends, but later, and a little drunk again, I got to thinking about still being single........blah blah, and this is what came out. I think I like you're interpretation of the scenario much better

Anyway, thanks again for the tough love and I will give it some attention.

Mark

[David]

Yes, keep at it, Mark. I do enjoy your poems. I just keep making what strike me as helpful suggestions, which possibly are no such thing. Ignore at will!

Still, a little more local - or period - detail here might anchor the poem in your earlier years much better.

Cheers

David

[bodkin]

Hi Mark,

Contrarywise I find the rhyme in the revision a bit more intrusive than in the original, this is, I think, because although the rhymes now buried in the middle of lines are mush less noticeable, the end thymes left are on adjoining lines and thus packing even more wallop.

One way to think about rhyme is that it is a very powerful weapon, to be used sparingly.

This need not mean rarely, however, as rhyme comes with several built-in limiters:

[*] all rhyme doesn't have to be end rhyme. You've already seen how internal rhyme (in the middle of a line) is less intrusive. Note also that rhyming an internal word with an end word is also a good technique. If you do this and the end word comes second, then it gets strong emphasis (because it is the end of a line _and_ rhyming). If the internal word comes second, then it is like an echo of the end word, binding the poem together, adding a little retrospective emphasis to the end word, but not standing out blatantly itself.

[*] a rhyme scheme doesn't have to be ubiquitous, even if it is completely regular. You can for example rhyme every second line, or only rhyme the couplet at the end of a strophe. Rhyming only the last word of a quatrain with the previous quatrain is also popular.

[*] not all rhymes are perfect rhymes. "Tree" rhymes with "sea" this is true, however "slant rhymes", "partial rhymes" or just plain old "words a little bit reminiscent of each other" are also valid forms of rhyming. It's a scale, and you can choose how far down it to go. e.g. in no particular order:

- Tree and sea, dog and log (perfect)
- Them and then, shoes and louche (same apart from v. similar final consonant)
- Balloon and melon (similar but not exact)
- dog and dig (wrong vowel) or dog and dot (wrong consonant...)
- cartoon and cardboard (not the last syllable that rhymes)
- contrariness and "outmoded quest" (rough match of syllables)
- love and rung or roof (just approx the same sound)

One useful resource is http://www.rhymezone.com/ as it has "near rhyme" and "similar sound" settings, which you can use to explore the wider possibilities...

Ian

[Mark101]

Thank you Ian,

I really appreciate your detailed reply.

A few people have said, in various posts, that my constant perfect rhyming can be a bit intrusive or limiting to my choice of words, or perhaps obscuring the meaning of a line or stanza or even entire piece, for the want of a perfect rhyme. I do find that sometimes it's as if these things are almost out of my control, writing themselves. This is why we revise and edit our pieces of course.

I completely take your point and I acknowledge that it is a particular problem of mine that I find hard to break, though sometimes I want to write in perfect rhyme and rhythm. If there is some sense of meaning made by a piece, using perfect rhyme, is that bad, or perhaps not bad but somehow less elegant? I suppose it would have to depend on the piece, no? I'm reading this back and I'm thinking I sound a bit peeved, I'm not, honest! I would however like to offer a point if I may. I wonder sometimes, if in the search for originality and with the developments of modern poetry, that it may seem as though the older more straight forward forms, can be thought of as....less valid, is that the right phrase. Possibly a bit too strong, I'll shut up before I dig myself a deeper hole.

I have tried to embrace a few different techniques, my free verse I think is not good, I'm still trying, but "The Need" for example, is an attempt at a freer style. I still couldn't break away from my old habits, but I did try to use both rhythm and rhyme in a less obvious way. I don't know if it came off well or not, but at least it shows that I am listening to everyone, and trying to learn.

Thank you again Ian, I do take into account, all that you folks tell me.

Mark


Incidentally, I do have rhymezone in my bookmarks Although I perhaps don't use it quite as you might mean (usually I'm looking for a perfect rhyme).

[bodkin]

Hi Mark,

Don't think that people are suggesting "don't rhyme". I don't think they are saying that, and certainly I'm not. Rhyme is great, and perfect end rhymes are a great thing too.

It is just that use of perfect end rhyme takes care. It has to feel natural, you can never use a word _only_ because it fits the rhyme scheme, you can't even use a word that is a bit the wrong meaning. Choosing words because, individually and as a sentence, they produce the meaning you want is still 50+% of poetry, however many careful rhythmic and sonic effects you also use...

So my thoughts above were more supposed to be offering you more ways to rhyme, rather than less. So that you could carry on rhyming but find it less of a constraint. It's all a balancing act...

I was deliberately resisting the urge to point at any of my own stuff, because (i) big head much, and (ii) my stuff is necessarily biased towards doing things my way, which is only one p.o.v and I was trying to steer you towards a variety of possibilities. However, see here: http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopi ... =3&t=20143 -- you'll see these are sonnets, so they have a rhyme scheme, but by a combination of careful perfect rhyming and all of the above techniques I (hope) I keep it unintrusive...

For sonnets these are (arguably) about 25% of the way along the spectrum from completely traditional to weird new stuff barely recognisable as a sonnet. e.g. I've not got all perfect rhyming, and I've stretched it quite a long way in one or two places, and also (mostly because I was writing 10 in a row and needed some slack) I've let the meter wander a bit at points. On the other had they are end-rhymed with ababcdcdeeffgg scheme, iambic pentameter with a volta, so maybe 25% is an overestimate.

--

One more-concrete thing that might help... I find that perfect rhyming couplets have to be constructed in pairs. You start with two meanings, A & B, and you guess as a word for A, then you look for a rhyme that means B. If (when) you don't find one, then you either (i) try a different word for A, or (ii) talk a word you like for B and start looking for a rhyme that means A. If after a few times around that loop you still have nothing, then you have to start considering adjusting the meanings slightly, e.g. you may go to A' & B, where A' is a different metaphor for the same thing as A...

http://www.rhymezone.com/ and http://www.thesaurus.com/ are invaluable for quickly searching for As and Bs...

Ian

[Mark101]

Thank you Ian, for taking the time to explain things so well.

Having read again your advice from earlier, and reading today's, I do understand what you are trying to tell me, and I can recognise it in a lot of the pieces I write. (Do you ever find that reading something in the morning, gives a different aspect to the same thing read, or written, at night)?

Contrarywise I find the rhyme in the revision a bit more intrusive than in the original, this is, I think, because although the rhymes now buried in the middle of lines are mush less noticeable, the end thymes left are on adjoining lines and thus packing even more wallop.

The new layout does make this effect much more obvious, and I see what you're saying about the end rhymes, they do seem to smack you in the face somewhat

I think this might have to do with me not having studied poetry or prose, (other than what was thrown at us in school, and that was more years ago than I care to recall). It's just something that I like to do. I have to confess also that I have read very little, from either the classical or modern poets, so I've not picked up any tips or methods along that road.

I'm going to have a go at a re-write, trying to employ some of the advice both you and others have given me, though don't hold your breath, it might take some time.

Thank you again for you comments, they are much appreciated.

Mark

[bodkin]

Poems certainly do look different when you look at them later.

Occasionally I write something straight off in a single pass over about 1/2 hour, and then just give it a quick edit and I'm done...

But more commonly I'm coming back over and over for weeks, months or in some cases years. And there will be bits that get rewritten over and over.

--

I suspect few of us have studied poetry formally... but we have all been paying attention to our own and other's poems for years and years. This is where critiquing other's work on the board is especially valuable. You aren't just giving feedback, you are also developing your own understanding that you can then apply to your own work.

I'll look forward to your re-write and there's no rush at all

Ian