Poetry Forum

Revision No.2


I think I think too much.
I think my head is much too full of things I do not need,
Yet consequences feed, indeed
I think I think too much.

What I need in view is me,
And put aside all else.
The doubt, the shame, the fear to breathe,
I leave them on the shelf.
The view outside is warm
And I would taste it for myself.

I kick away my crutch
At last, not hard to touch upon the cure.
For while the air can find my lungs
My hands can find the door.

Too long a hostage of my mind
Whilst aching for the sun.
If no one else can help me
Then I have to be the one.
So climb aboard, the greatest ride
Has only just begun.

Standing on the dawns first light
That spills it's gold across the floor,
I turn my back and look no more
Upon that wrack that was before.
My private torture thinking room
In which I thinks too much.

Revision No.1

I think I think too much. ...... (I know I'm obessing)
I think my head is much too full of things that have not need, ...... (about rubbish)
Yet consequences feed, indeed .......(I'ts making me unhappy)
I think I think too much. ........(Yes dear, you've said that already)

What I need in view ........(Don't look for the answers from someone else)
Is not you, but me ....(the "you" is saying, neither is a partner going to cure all, this has to be by me, for me)
For my own sake.

So I must take my leave,
And find the me I need to be.
The key to find the things I need too much. .......(Get off you're arse and do something about it then, none of it will come knocking on you door. (thing, in the original was a typo, should be "things"))

I need no crutch, but find it difficult .....(I can do it on my own, but what is it I'm supposed to do)?
To touch upon the cure.
Though while the air can find my lungs .....(Well, you're not dead, so why not go out and see life, it's everywhere)
My hands can find the door.
For now, my head is sore with things
I think I think too much. ......(Yes dear, you've said before)

To stop the need is what I need. .....(Stop obessing)
To dry the well and clamber out. .......(Stop living in your head, get out more)
To scream and shout it from the roof tops, .....(I'm starting to get out and trying to change things)
“Give me strength for I’m not done”! .......(Decision made, off we go)
I do not want to stop the ride,
I’ve only just begun. ......(Things are starting to get better, I feel better)

It’s open wide, lets go outside
So I can close the door.
Turn my back
And look no more upon that wrack that was before. ...(a couple of small additions for greater clarity)
My private torture thinking room ............(my own head)
In which I think too much. .........(Yes dear, you said).

Original

[center]I think I think too much.
I think my head is much too full of things that have not need,
Yet consequences feed, indeed
I think I think too much

What I need in view
Is not you, but me
For my own sake.

So I must take my leave,
And find the me I need to be.
The key to find the thing I need too much.

I need no crutch, but find it difficult
To touch upon the cure.
Though while the air can find my lungs
My hands can find the door.
For now my head is sore with things
I think I think too much.

To stop the need is what I need.
To dry the well and clamber out.
To scream and shout it from the roof tops,
“Give me strength for I’m not done”!
I do not want to stop the ride,
I’ve only just begun.

It’s open wide,
But I must close the door.
Turn my back
And look no more upon that wrack.
My private torture thinking room
In which I think too much.[/center]

hi Mark

Is that a person you have shaped on the page? Not everyone likes visuals, but I like them. Seth has warned me about too many 'e' sounds in my attempts - it is not the most attractive of sounds. Just a thought

all the best

mac

Hi Mac,

I hadn't intended to make a shape with the words, but now you mention it, I can kind of see it

I do know what you mean about the "e" sounds, and yes this is full of them. It was intended to sort of help it all hang together, since it was one of my few attempts at a free verse (loosely). I know there are lots of rhymes, but I did try to time them so that they don't necessarily land on the beats of the somewhat erratic rhythms.

I don't know if it really works, but at least I gave it a go

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

Mark

Hi, Mark.

I have an idea where you're going with this, but it gets a little confusing. If I'm honest, I think it might be all the first person references; they make something about this a little impenetrable for me as a reader. I get a few snippets of something visible and concrete, but I guess I'm missing some of the imagery you're aiming at.

Sorry, I wish I could be more positive, but this does deserve more crits than it got so far.

Cheers...

Hi Nar,

I think you're right. I can see that it is a bit obscure, even to me LOL.

I should explain that I don't think it's finished. The reason I posted it was to get some help in trying to take it a bit further, as I'm a bit stuck with it. There's something in there that I like and I don't want to just scrap it. The problem is I think that, as you said, it is about a period of my own life, and so to me, the imagery is reasonably clear, but possibly not for anyone else.

The background - from a period of my life where I felt I lacked much. A partner, a job, a life (LOL). I have always been an introspective person, but toward the end of this period (about 5 years), I began to obsess about all the things I didn't have and wanted too much, but was doing nothing about getting. This piece is meant to reflect those obsessive and frustrating feelings, until finally, I forced myself to go out and change my situation. (I'm not saying any of this looking for sympathy, things are completely different now. I just think if I give a little background, then maybe people can begin to understand it a little better).

I wrote it whilst I was still in that period, about 20 years ago now, and what I've done now is to revisit and revise things I wrote so long ago, with varying degrees of success LOL.

Anyway Nar, I hope at least I've made it a bit more clear, and thank you very much for telling me your thoughts on this piece.

Mark

You're welcome.

In my experience, this is difficult subject matter. If you're writing it for yourself, then it needs no crit. But if it's for others to read, then I've found it very difficult to take such ideas and share them in a way that others can directly relate to. A common reference point, or strong imagery, or a metaphor / conceit, or new language ... these are all elusive to find when I've tried to write about this type of life experience. I think there is much to admire in your efforts; you're braver than me to take this on.

Best...

Hi Mark,

If you need to explain to this degree, the reader will struggle to connect with the general conceit. I can follow this piece as is
but I'm not really feeling anything. If you could manipulate the premise with more tangible imagery you would come closer to
engaging the sympathies and compassion of the reader.

I really want to discover what you have to say and you are the key to my deliverance.

Best

JJ

Thank you Nar and JJ,

I think I said a very similar thing before, possibly to you JJ, about a peice not doing it's job if you have to explain so much, and so I do whole heartedly agree.
I don't know if I was being brave Nar, or naiive, to expect anything this personal and specific to my own life, to strike any chords with others, although I think it's something that many of us have felt at one time or another, each case is completely unique to the individual.

Initially, when I wrote most of the things I've posted here, they were for myself only, just therapy I suppose, and this is, like you said Nar, one of the main problems, to translate my then personal feelings, into something that others might relate to, not easy. Even now when I read them (for they are numerous LOL), they transport me instantly to where I was then, (without the pain and torment and general drama LOL), but still, it's my thoughts and my feelings. I sort of rediscovered them all only recently and thought why not see if other folks think they have any worth, hence my joining this forum. Most have gone down quite well to my surprise, so I really can't complain.

As I said before, there is something there that I like, and I will endevour to bring it out in the coming days, weeks, months. It has been waiting since 1992 to see the light of day, so a little while longer won't hurt, deliverance delayed I'm afraid LOL.

Thank you both though for your thoughts, I do appreciate them.

Mark