Poetry Forum

revision2

She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot.

She likes to free the figurines from dust
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
has lost his queen within the honeyed hive.

She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork; limbs as white as uncooked chips,
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor.

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revision1

She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot.

She likes to clean the porcelain figurines
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
has lost his queen within the honeyed hive.

She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork; limbs as white as uncooked chips,
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor.

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original

She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot.

She likes to clean the porcelain figurines
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives.

She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork, limbs as white as uncooked chips,
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor.

G'day mac, like the sinister/ominous tone of this. Reminds me of some events/persons in Llaregub-"an icicle formed in the dining vault.." etc, or am I misreading this as I too often do?

Hi mac,

A bit disturbing this one, at least that's how it seems to me. Nevertheless, it IS a gripping poem. If anything it doesn't go far enough
as it reads like a pared down version of a longer piece.

Macavity wrote:She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot. ...I like the use of 'buries' rather than 'hides'. I immediately imagined something of a sinister nature was taking place.

She likes to clean the porcelain figurines
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives. ...not quite getting 'brimming with honeyed lives' Love the toothbrush.

She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork, limbs as white as uncooked chips, ...an eerie metaphor and simile. Chilling.
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor. ...suggests she has buried him beneath the polished floor

I could be wrong, of course, and I don't think it's necessary to spell out the entire poem, but an extra hint might help.

Best

JJ

Thank C. and JJ. Both spot on. But what is the literary link?

all the best

mac

Macavity wrote:Thank C. and JJ. Both spot on. But what is the literary link? :wink:

Is it necessary on a bicycle?

Macavity wrote:Thank C. and JJ. Both spot on. But what is the literary link?

all the best

mac

Is it Edgar Allan Poe? The Tell-Tale Heart. A very popular short story about dismemberment and burial under floor boards. I was surprised to read
of the enormous number of adaptations, on stage, film, radio etc. I like your adaptation.

Best

JJ

Is it Edgar Allan Poe? The Tell-Tale Heart.

There you go JJ - max points!

all the best

mac

Darn it. Basil pots always make me think of Keats.

David wrote:Darn it. Basil pots always make me think of Keats.

That was intended too David!

all the best

mac

I feel thick but, may I suggest 'steam-iron'?
I'll get my coat! x

Haven't you posted this before or something like it? Or have you just got a spaghetti fetish? That's a lovely final verse, anyhow.

had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives. - sounds a bit awkward to me

The Poe reference escaped me until it was explained, though I see it now.

All the same, I enjoyed it. As Cynwulf says, it has a nicely disturbed tone.

Cheers
peter

Thanks Katherine, Ray and Peter. Tweaked the L3 in S2. I do have a taste for spaghetti images

all the best

mac

I enjoyed this poem, and loved the simile of uncooked chips - excellent.

Thanks for a good read.

Best wishes,

Firebird

I really enjoyed reading this and love the concept.

My only suggestion is to consider revising the line about the hum of the bee. Given the act of using the toothbrush vigorously, I would think about comparing the hum to work performed by the bee. You may want to ignore this advice, as I am a true novice

Thanks Lauren and FB. S2 is definitely the weaker stanza.

all the best

mac