Poetry Forum

Thanks for the suggestions - all very helpful and constructive

Revised:

Where does it begin?
How can this darkness create light
Pulsing from the velvety black depths?

There is no hiding,
No retreat into the warm cocoon
Coiling, twisting, encasing my heart.

This is the magic:
To let the darkness move freely
Until it escapes, luminous in the night air.

Original:

I am new to the forum - this is my first posted work on any site. I am extremely novice, but looking for constructive feedback. Here it goes:

Where does it all start?
How can this darkness create light?
Bouncing, scattering from the corners

There is no hiding,
No retreat from the warm cocoon
Coiling, twisting, encasing my heart

This is the magic
To let the darkness move freely
Until it escapes, luminous in the night air

Welcome, Lauren.

laurenharper wrote:To let the darkness move freely
Until it escapes, luminous in the night air

That, to my mind, is a truly excellent couplet.

General point: this is poetry, so doing without punctuation is fine. But if you're going to use it in some places and not others (as you do), you're likely to confuse rather than create.

So, for example, the last stanza would work better as

This is the magic:
To let the darkness move freely
Until it escapes, luminous in the night air.

Cheers
peter

Thank you for the kind welcome, Peter. I have been waffling with the punctuation and this is very helpful. I will work on this and post a revision later.
L

hi lauren,
The title attracted my interest, though I'm failing to thread that to the poem or grasp the paradox. Still agree with Peter on the concluding lines.

all the best

mac

Hi Mac,
Thank you for the input. I'm trying to convey the concept of emotional darkness giving rise to artistic expression. I feared that it would be difficult to make the link. I am fascinated by words and concepts that do not have English language equivalents.
Thanks again for the feedback - I have some work to do on this.

L

I'm trying to convey the concept of emotional darkness giving rise to artistic expression.

I feared that it would be difficult to make the link. I am fascinated by words and concepts that do not have English language equivalents

Hi Lauren,
I think there are two themes there, both interesting ones. perhaps the poem needs to focus on one? The former one seems to be mainly this poem and so maybe another title to give a window onto the poem? I say this reluctantly since it was the title that caught my eye.

all the best

mac

Hi Lauren,

In Spanish, Duende means an elf or sprite. When something inexplicable happens, you can blame it on the duendes.

Did you take it from the Spanish, or is something from another language and means something else?

I liked very much the imagery you use and the message (that I took from it at least) of taking personal trials in life and turning them into something light filled. It's were a lot of my inspiration comes from and dare say many many others. The last stanza being the acceptance of these emotions within ourselves, and trusting that once they have passed, we will somehow be made better for the experience.

That was my take on it anyway, feel free to tell me that's a bunch of c... LOL

Mark

Hi Mark,
The concept of duende in Spanish art was what I was attempting to convey...Federico Garcia Lorca wrote about it. He talks about the duende being an emotional darkness, an earth spirit that inspires an artist. The resulting art, regardless of the form, has a powerful intensity. It is derived from the elf concept. I completely understand the confusion I am causing with the title and plan on reworking things, but still deciding on the direction.

Thanks for the positive comments. I'm happy that you could identify with the underlying message - your interpretation was excellent.

Thanks again,
L

Hi Mac,
Thanks for the idea. I am really deliberating over how to proceed. Maybe "Duende" should be the title of a future work?
L

Welcome and nice poem.
x

The concept of duende in Spanish art was what I was attempting to convey...Federico Garcia Lorca wrote about it. He talks about the duende being an emotional darkness, an earth spirit that inspires an artist. The resulting art, regardless of the form, has a powerful intensity. It is derived from the elf concept.

The intention/context is definitely interesting....

I like the last stanza.

Bouncing, scattering from the corners - I don't pretend to fully understand the poem but bouncing, scattering seem too active for the mood.

There is no hiding,
No retreat from the warm cocoon - each time, I expect into the warm cocoon. Just an observation.
Coiling, twisting, encasing my heart

Thank you, Ray. I like "into" here. I have reworked things and am just posting a revision.

And here was me thinking the poem was going to be about a middle-aged lady, somewhere between a maidservant and a confidante. That's something else altogether, isn't it? No habla Español.

But I like it anyway. I really like the idea of the duende - doesn't seem far away from the British conception of such creatures - but like Mac (I think) I'm not seeing much of the title in the poem. The result is very ethereal and abstract. I couldn't really say what the poem is about, but I like the effect it makes.

Cheers

David