Poetry Forum

Posted: **Wed May 13, 2015 8:39 pm**

It's not at all uncommon
to be stuck the wrong side of an event horizon
shackled to the darkness
but onward, I walk
in search of kisses of warmth and light
returning to my cave
where I greet a solitary candle,
it's glow
an eloquent ambiance permeating my being
the lonesome flame dances
joyfully atop the wick,
the world's stage

Encircling shadows of old
cold breaching my perimeter
not a flame, but fire
that is the crux of my desire
so sparks will spiral
like shooting stars to their slumber
my little seeds of lightening
their potential is quite frightening
It isn't long before it rages
I never knew, it's fire that gives dragons their roar
Struggling to breathe
and now it burns much more

Cowardice will win this one
as I flee to the empty abyss
the landscape is black
the night sky's doppelganger but just one single star
I go on in the darkness
and watch the fire flicker from afar.

(My first poem posted on here, I have no idea what I'm doing

jotted this down one night when I couldn't sleep. any tips, advice welcome)

Posted: **Thu May 14, 2015 1:18 pm**

Hello LeumaS,

I like your work, I think it has potential. The first stanza paints a really nice image, the second I found a little harder to connect with, but still I liked it.

Could I offer some thoughts for you to consider?
First is that I think it would benefit from a little more punctuation. I think maybe you left it out as a conscious decision, because I see you've used it here and there, but it would be easier to read if I (the reader) were guided a little more.

leumaS wrote:It's not at all uncommon
to be stuck the wrong side of an event horizon--------I like this, the idea that you can't escape the darkness, but I wonder if it is a bit too permanent a thing since later you talk of returning to the candle. I know it's not literal, and I know attraction on using the image of an event horizon, but would something a little more temporal fit better with your narrative? Just a thought.

shackled to the darkness
but onward, I walk
in search of kisses of warmth and light ------I like this line
returning to my cave
where I greet a solitary candle,
it's glow
an eloquent ambiance permeating my being
the lonesome flame dances
joyfully atop the wick,
the world's stage --------These lines too are a nice description of the candle flame.

Encircling shadows of old
cold breaching my perimeter
not a flame, but fire ------------Since a flame is fire, I think you might use an adjective like "not a flame, but a great fire", or " not a flame, but an inferno" just something that augments the difference between the flame and the fire.

that is the crux of my desire
so sparks will spiral
like shooting stars to their slumber--------"shooting stars" might be a little too expected no? I'm sure you could find something better

my little seeds of lightening -----------Ahhhh, you like the lightning seeds too, sorry I couldn't help but make that association lol.

their potential is quite frightening--------you start to rhyme here, not that that's a bad thing, but it sort of came out of nowhere. Perhaps if you introduced rhyme, at least one or two in the first stanza, then it wouldn't be such a surprise when you get here.

It isn't long before it rages
I never knew, it's fire that gives dragons their roar
Struggling to breathe
and now it burns much more

Cowardice will win this one
as I flee to the empty abyss--------not sure you need "empty" since by definition an abyss would be empty, maybe you could describe a different quality of the abyss.

the landscape is black
the night sky's doppelganger but just one single star---------I'm not getting the "sky's doppelganger" image, but then I might just be being a tad thick lol.

I go on in the darkness
and watch the fire flicker from afar.

I hope you don't mind too much my comments, they're only my thoughts on first reading your piece, others no doubt will disagree so don't go tweeking anything just yet.

I think it gives the impression that there is something beneath the surface, like maybe the dragon that approaches and makes you flee, I'm not quite clear though what the deeper message might be, but then as I said, sometimes I can be quite thick LOL.

OK then, I'll go play with the traffic now

All the best and welcome

Mark

Posted: **Fri May 15, 2015 5:34 pm**

leumaS wrote:It's not at all uncommon
to be stuck the wrong side of an horizon
shackled to the darkness
but onward, I walk
in search of light
returning to my cave
where I greet a candle,
its glow
an eloquence.

Just a thought LS. I've read a few long poems in beginners recently and they would all benefit from condensing...poetry as opposed to prose. The discipline of ten lines or less brings more focus to the craft and more intensity to the expression. Just my opinion

all the best

mac

Posted: **Fri May 15, 2015 5:55 pm**

Not a bad first post. Has potential I think. I like the black hole (Event Horizon) metaphor.
There's quite a bit of rhyme in S2 which is absent elsewhere. Perhaps try to rework S1 and S3 introducing some more rhyme.
Just a thought. But enjoyed generally

All the best Kev

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