A Wound Up Crow

[Firebird]

I know the metre is all over the show and the second rhyme doesn't really work, but hope at least the images work.

A Wound Up Crow

I can't make my mind up
if the walk of a crow
looks more like a wind up
or Robert De Niro's.

[nar]

Hey, Firebird.

Yes, the images work for me. The De Niro one works particularly well; the crows black suit matching that of the gangsters he's played. And beady eyed shiftiness. Nicely done.

In terms of the metre & rhyme, I'd be temped to cut the syllables back, and drop the rhyme entirely. Make one of them work better, and drop the other?

Please excuse the quick rewrite; it's just easier to illustrate this way:

I can't decide
if the walk of a crow
looks like a wind-up
or Robert De Niro

That's not quite it, but is one possible direction. Or not...

Kindest,

- Neil

[Firebird]

Hi Nar,

I think you are right, this is the way to go.

I'll have a work on it, and see what I can do.

Many thanks for considering the problem and the rewrite (it illustrates your point very well).

All my best,

Firebird

[Macavity]

Not sure about this one FB. I don't connect De Niro with a particular walk...I remember him in Taxi Driver, his look, but not his walk.

mac

[Firebird]

Hi Mac,

May have to go back to the drawing board with this one me thinks.

All my best,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

I liked this poem but I also found myself struggling with the De Niro comparison. The meter's not far off, FB:

A Wound Up Crow

I CAN'T make my MIND up ...Iamb/anapest/+ 'up'... two stresses
if the WALK of a CROW ...two anapests...two stresses
looks MORE like a WIND up ...Iamb/anapest/+ 'up'...two stresses
or ROBert De NIro's. ...iamb/anapest/+ 'ro's'


For such a short poem I think you could choose any meter you liked and vary it some if you so desired. A nudge here and there would do it.

As for the walk, I would have thought Russell Crowe was a strong contender. He walked like a crow in Gladiator
when he entered the Colosseum for a good scrap. EG only...or BRAVE/ Russell CROWE/ ...iamb/anapest/ ...Two stresses
This would mean rhyming 'up' with 'up' and 'crow' with 'Crowe'. Might add to the humour.

Hope this helps

Best

JJ

[Firebird]

Many thanks JJ for the detailed crit. Much appreciated. I might well go with 'Crowe' instead of 'De Niro'.

Many thanks again!

All my best,

Tristan

[Moth]

I love the images! I would want to save something like this to slot into a piece of prose, but that's just me.

[bodkin]

So, I'm not the most actor-aware person, but I think I see him with that stiff, straight-legged walk.

So for me I think this works as intended.

Also enjoyed it!

Ian

[Firebird]

Moth, really pleased you loved the images.

Ian, I'm glad you think the De Niro image works. It's always difficult to know without feedback.

Thanks both for reading and commenting.

Best,

Tristan