Poetry Forum

The rain does not mutter, makes no apologies
for its relentlessness. It is absolute. Celebrating

drabness in every garden and gutter.
May, the month of my birth, only celebrated

by pursuing the memory. There is sepia in the air.
So I go to the place where everything is so nearly

tangible to find my childhood garden
where I once lay upon a sun-softened roof

pressing my fingers into the putty-like tar
which smelt so warm, so foreign, looking up

at a sky so utterly open to possibility I never
once envied the destination of overhead planes.

Yes, this is much more coherent and effective than your earlier postings. I'm not sure

streaming through an archive in light-year

quite works - light-year is generally a measure of distance, not time.

not fearing the clouds beyond the horizon.

The ending might be more effective without the 'beyond the horizon', which rather spells it out for the reader.

I hope things are moving in the right direction for you.

Ros

Hi Brokenbridge,

I love the following couplet:

'where I once lay upon a sun-softened shed roof
pressing my fingers into the putty-like tar'

Not sure you need 'shed' though. It seems to interrupt the flow of the line for me.

I agree with Ros about 'light years' and 'beyond the horizon'.

All my best,

Firebird

Hello...

"relentlessness" is a perfect word (sonically) to use for rain. Kudos.

I also like the subtly-spaced mutter / gutter ryhme

Unlike Firebird, I'm less keen on"sun-softened shed roof". It's tricky for me to say, but it is a great image.

I didn't understand "light-year". Given it' context, I know what you're getting at, but those two words are blanked when I read this.

Overall a nice piece to read, with only minor nits.

Thanks...

- Neil

Just to clarity, I, too, don't think it's easy to say 'sun-softened shed roof', which is why I suggested getting rid of the word 'shed'.

All my best,

Firebird

Many thanks for the suggestions.

Have made a few amendments. Agree with the sun softened shed roof, have now removed roof.

Have also removed the streaming light-year nonsense- would have laughed at myself for writing that two years ago!

The end is also now different. Not quite sure it is what I want to say.

Shall see over the next few days.

Best Regards

Vincent

looking up

at a sky so utterly open to possibility I never
once envied the destination of overhead planes.

The fact you're looking up would suggest the planes are overhead?

The rain does not mutter, makes no apologies
for its relentlessness. It is absolute.

Liked the definiteness of that opening.

all the best

mac

A very agreeable poem, Broken . I followed the narrative all the way through, enjoying the imagery
and reflective musings of the speaker.

Some thoughts for your perusal:

REVISION

brokenbridge wrote:The rain does not mutter, makes no apologies
for its relentlessness. It is absolute. Celebrating ...Love the opening lines and also think 'relentlessness' provides an onomatopoeic treat for the ear.

drabness in every garden and gutter. ...How do you know it's drab 'IN' the gutter?
May, the month of my birth, only celebrated

by pursuing the memory. There is sepia in the air. ...Are you pursuing a single memory or a collection of memories? I'm intrigued.
So I go to the place where everything is so nearly ...You have a surfeit of 'so' throughout.
tangible to find my childhood garden
where I once lay upon a sun-softened roof ...I really miss that 'shed'. The 'roof' could belong to a garage, extension, porch etc. 'Shed' is definitive IMO and works well with 'garden'.

pressing my fingers into the putty-like tar ...I think you need 'shed' to support this wonderful image. The shed establishes an instant connection to the tar. I wondered about the state of the speaker's clothes after he'd rolled around in soft tar.
which smelt so warm, so foreign, looking up ...'Smelt' and 'smelled' are interchangeable. In this line I think that 'smelled' is softer.

at a sky so utterly open to possibility I never ...'so warm, so foreign, so utterly and so nearly' as mentioned above.
once envied the destination of overhead planes. I absolutely love the close.

I think you have a good poem here.

Best

JJ