Artichoke
How do we unpeel the skins of artifice
so neatly layered like artichoke leaves
deceptions grown from thistle pricks
or habits from long-forgotten wounds?
How do we find our heart
genesis of our being?
Were that mayonnaise and lemon
would shed those scars
or hollandaise and vinegar
make palatable my lies
of who I am
Artichoke
How do we unpeel the skins of artifice
so neatly layered artichoke leaves
I like the opening image Steve, maybe a thought to remove like. Like the coupling of artifice/artichoke. Perhaps you could venture to be more oblique in the poem. The recipe references could be pruned for a less listy feel.
all the best
mac
-
David Smedley
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 643
- Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Hi Steve.
"It's too telly" for me.
The artifice used here needs better (for me) identification, either at the beginning or through the rest of the piece, which does not do that job at the moment (for me).
The rest of the piece is also (for me) lost to abstraction.
Hope this helps in some way.
I will go the opposite way to Mac here and say that the word "like" is needed, but that " so neatly" is not.How do we unpeel the skins of artifice
so neatly layered like artichoke leaves
"It's too telly" for me.
The artifice used here needs better (for me) identification, either at the beginning or through the rest of the piece, which does not do that job at the moment (for me).
What are deceptions grown from thistle pricks? Metaphor? If so more development is needed (for me), as the metaphor's meaning is not readily apparent.deceptions grown from thistle pricks
The rest of the piece is also (for me) lost to abstraction.
Hope this helps in some way.
-
Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Hi, SteveR...
Don't i recall you callong yourself a Beginner? Was that you?
This is a great idea. Can see the artichoke so clearly.
I am not keen on no punctuation. While there are probably counltess debates goong on somewhere about it, i fond that line breaks along with punctuation offers the reader a clearer path to understanding your message.
I would add "the" to genesis. Or? Use the commonly linked artichoke and heart to play it up here by switching the two words around. Just and idea.
I would also switch "my" to "the" lies. The reason being that using the word "the" actually supports the idea that the N is not the lies and therefore able to separate from them. Just another thought.
I enjoyed it.
Suzanne
Don't i recall you callong yourself a Beginner? Was that you?
This is a great idea. Can see the artichoke so clearly.
I am not keen on no punctuation. While there are probably counltess debates goong on somewhere about it, i fond that line breaks along with punctuation offers the reader a clearer path to understanding your message.
I would add "the" to genesis. Or? Use the commonly linked artichoke and heart to play it up here by switching the two words around. Just and idea.
I would also switch "my" to "the" lies. The reason being that using the word "the" actually supports the idea that the N is not the lies and therefore able to separate from them. Just another thought.
I enjoyed it.
Suzanne
Thanks Mac, David, and Suzanne for your comments. I very much appreciate them.
Mac, I'm interested in that you felt it was "listy." The references I used are commonly used in presenting artichokes. I wondered about including so much, but liked the flow and rhythm. I certainly need to edit if it feels listy.
David, Thank you. I will try to develop the metaphor more
Suzanne, yes, I tend to not use punctuation, or even caps for that matter.
To all, I thought I would get clobbered for S2. It was that with which I was most dissatisfied.
I appreciate the feedback and will work on it.
Sorry for the delay in getting a thank you back for the critique. I'm been trying to finish up a Master's Degree, while working full time.
Cheers
Steve
Mac, I'm interested in that you felt it was "listy." The references I used are commonly used in presenting artichokes. I wondered about including so much, but liked the flow and rhythm. I certainly need to edit if it feels listy.
David, Thank you. I will try to develop the metaphor more
Suzanne, yes, I tend to not use punctuation, or even caps for that matter.
To all, I thought I would get clobbered for S2. It was that with which I was most dissatisfied.
I appreciate the feedback and will work on it.
Sorry for the delay in getting a thank you back for the critique. I'm been trying to finish up a Master's Degree, while working full time.
Cheers
Steve
-
bodkin
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3182
- Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.
Hi Steve,
This is a creative idea, to equate the artichoke with the N's self and use that to explore his (self-perceived) flaws.
Beware rhetorical questions. They're powerful for political speeches but in poetry they have the weaknesses of seeming contrived and also necessarily drawing attention to the fact that there is a speaker asking them. If you are portraying a character for whom they are appropriate, then obviously that's great, but where the character is just an anonymous narrator, you are interrupting the reader's absorbing of the poem with the voice-over artist figuratively leaning into shot and waving.
Yes, S2 is the weakest as it is wholly abstract and not playing up the metaphor you are pursuing.
However the S1 is also suffering a little in that you are stating the metaphor rather than just presenting it.
e.g. you say "like" so you are immediately drawing attention to the fact that this is a metaphor (similes are a subset of metaphors). Suppose you had just started "Our artichoke hearts..." (or even "His..." an explicit character can be useful as you can inject more meaning via the characterisation...) and then freely mixed the emotional and vegetable components -- you would be giving the comparison without explicitly making the comparison...
S3 is better in this regard, but for me the word "shed" breaks it a bit. "shedding" isn't something that mayonnaise and lemon naturally do (although solid things could shed them) -- if you had said that they "eased" the scars, then (because they are rather like ointment) that for me, would have been a stronger image, and also ~(for me) fed nicely into the second clause.
All-in-all this is a sophisticated attempt, you aren't quite pulling it off, but shows much promise.
Hope this helps,
Ian
This is a creative idea, to equate the artichoke with the N's self and use that to explore his (self-perceived) flaws.
Beware rhetorical questions. They're powerful for political speeches but in poetry they have the weaknesses of seeming contrived and also necessarily drawing attention to the fact that there is a speaker asking them. If you are portraying a character for whom they are appropriate, then obviously that's great, but where the character is just an anonymous narrator, you are interrupting the reader's absorbing of the poem with the voice-over artist figuratively leaning into shot and waving.
Yes, S2 is the weakest as it is wholly abstract and not playing up the metaphor you are pursuing.
However the S1 is also suffering a little in that you are stating the metaphor rather than just presenting it.
e.g. you say "like" so you are immediately drawing attention to the fact that this is a metaphor (similes are a subset of metaphors). Suppose you had just started "Our artichoke hearts..." (or even "His..." an explicit character can be useful as you can inject more meaning via the characterisation...) and then freely mixed the emotional and vegetable components -- you would be giving the comparison without explicitly making the comparison...
S3 is better in this regard, but for me the word "shed" breaks it a bit. "shedding" isn't something that mayonnaise and lemon naturally do (although solid things could shed them) -- if you had said that they "eased" the scars, then (because they are rather like ointment) that for me, would have been a stronger image, and also ~(for me) fed nicely into the second clause.
All-in-all this is a sophisticated attempt, you aren't quite pulling it off, but shows much promise.
Hope this helps,
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/