The Picture

[ton321]

You said we might never go back
to the pretty town with a view
of the sea, with its English weather,
the sense of denouement at three o clock-
where the Indians shut at nine, the pubs
at eleven, the streets at twelve.

Something has changed since last time we came.
You bought a picture. I haven't the heart
to hang it up yet.

[k-j]

I really like the first part. By "Indians" I assume you mean restaurants, but this seems a bit too specific - I mean presumably there are also other restaurants which close at nine? The verse is tied together by the rhyme of "view" with the second syllable of "denouement" and "sea" with "three".

Then it just peters out unpoetically. You really need to write more of this I think.

[Katherine]

This sounds like a strange place, where the Indians shut at 9! If it is referring to restaurants - They start to get going at 9, in my neck of the woods.
I'm fascinated by the picture you haven't got around to display.
I liked this wander through a place revisited. Experiences and change appeal to me. x

[ton321]

Thanks for the replies. I will post another version soon.

[madgirl79]

I agree with previous comments, the first stanza is good but it tails off and seems to end too soon.
I want to know what was in the picture!

[Moth]

I think the meaning needs to sink in after one has read it. It works when I take the reason for the couple's non-return as being one of terminal illness. "something has happened..." (v1) "haven't...yet." (v2). The Indians may shut at nine if there's no business, but I agree it is a little early - a shame that this takes the focus away from all else. Suggestion: ... earlier than the pubs at eleven?

[Firebird]

I really like the idea here of things ending. IMHO you probably don't need the denouement line. It is clear. I personally don't have a problem with the Indian shutting at nine. This happens in many small places. If this were my piece, I would cut the first line of the final stanza and finish with something like 'You bought a picture./I haven't hung it yet', and make the title more meaningful.

Really hope this helps. If it not, please ignore.

All my best,

Tristan

[RainbowWalker]

I must say I like it very much and the allegorical feel of it. I would leave it as it is.

[David]

Thanks for the replies. I will post another version soon.

I would like to see that.

[peter]

I like the mystery story here (what changed?). I also took it as implying illness.

I wonder if the end could be strengthened by saying where the picture is now:
"The picture you bought still rests where you left it."
Letting the reader infer the neglect?

[Classicmister]

I found this intriguing but I don't understand the underlying meaning ... Unlike others, I can't see any reference to illness - maybe too subtle for me! I liked the rhythm of the closing time progression and especially "the streets at twelve" I want to know why you haven't the heart to hang the picture up - who might it upset?