Poetry Forum

Rewrite four

We were evacuated
after a WW2 bomb
was found in our cellar.

Had it killed us
the papers would have called it
a cruel misfortune,
a tragic loss of life
and the German government
would have probably expressed its sorrow,
and offered condolences
to friends and family,
and all this because
we were not
a husband, wife and child
the bomb was meant to kill.


Rewrite three

We were evacuated
after a WW2 bomb
was found in our cellar.

If it had killed us
the papers would have called it
a cruel misfortune,
a tragic loss of life
and the German government
would have probably expressed its sorrow,
and offered condolences
to friends and family,
and all because
we were not
the husband, wife and child
the bomb was meant to kill.


Rewrite two

After discovering a WW2 bomb in our cellar
we were evacuated.
If it had killed us
the papers would have reported
a cruel piece of misfortune,
a tragic loss of life
and the German government
would probably have expressed
its sorrow, and offered condolences
to friends and family,
and all because my wife, children and me
were not the wife, children and husband
the bomb was supposed to kill.


Rewrite

The army evacuated us
after we discovered
a WW2 bomb in our cellar.
If it had killed us
a tragic loss of life
would have been reported
and the German government
may have expressed its sorrow
and extended condolences
to our friends and family,
and all because we were not
the husband, wife and child
the bomb was meant to kill.

Original

The army evacuated us from our home,
after an unexploded WW2 bomb
was discovered in our cellar.
If it had killed us
the newspapers would have lamented our deaths
as a tragic loss of life,
and the German government
may have expressed its sorrow
and extended condolences to friends and family,
and all because my wife, children and me
were not the wife, children and husband
the bomb was supposed to kill.

You've put this together very nicely, Tristan. I thought the irony of the ending lost some of its power because the German government which now expresses its sorrow is not the same as the one that dropped the bomb, but I may have misunderstood what you're getting at there. Regardless of that, you handle that last long sentence very well.

Cheers

David

I agree that this is effective - nicely compact. Should it indicate something about wrong time, as well, perhaps? It feels wrong, to me, to miss out the time aspect. Or perhaps that's implied enough?

Ros

An interesting speculation, nicely put. You could maybe do with some variation on our home, our cellar, our deaths.

Thanks David, Ros and Ray for the feedback. Much appreciated.

David, I agree, it does lose some of its power because the German government isn't the same one. But I don't think there's anything I can do about it.

Ros, I think there is a time reference by WW2 being mentioned. I tend to think other than that it's clear that it is the wrong time. But isn't any time, WW2 or now, the wrong time for this.

Ray, I agree about the over use of 'our'. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks all for commenting. I've posted a revised more compact version.

Cheers,

Tristan

I suppose I'm thinking that if the bomb had exploded in 1940, say, then it would have got the 'right' people. Not sure where this thought is going, though...

Ros

I suppose that's the point, when a family is killed, are they ever the right people?

Cheers,

Tristan

Excellent! Enjoyed in every regard and I don't have any suggested improvements.

Ian

Your last rewrite nails it, I think. Your poem is succinct and telling although, since the Allies dropped many more bombs on Germany than they dropped on us, the poem would be equally effective if you changed German (L8) to British. Yeah, I know, they started it.

Best,
Lou

I thought this was a metaphor for the modern day warfare that many innocents are
forced to live or die through. The unintended victims receive condolences from governments
whilst the papers report the incidents, highlighting one error after another. The same happens with friendly fire.

"It is regrettable" Still rings in my ears.

The title asks the question about right and wrong, leaving that one hanging for the reader to cogitate.

Effective poem, Tristan

Best

JJ

Yes, very well done. Sharp and well-paced. A well phrased snipe at the confused moralism and PR-driven sententiousness we're coming to expect from pretty much every public body, these days.

Cheers
Peter

Really pleased you like it Ian & Lou. I agree the poem could work from either perspective (German/British).

JJ, although I like your interpretation, it wasn't what I was really going for. For me, the poem's main force comes from the irony: nobody would have given a damn about the family the bomb was meant to kill, if it had actually killed them. Most of the civilian victims of wars are anonymously forgotten. Yet their loss of life is just as tragic and unfortunate as the accidental deaths I hypothesise about in the poem. War devalues what human life is worth.

Cheers,

Tristan

Peter, really pleased you liked it. That is another reading of the poem, which I like and had thought about when writing, but didn't think it was as forceful a strand in the poem as the irony it finishes with. Maybe I'm wrong though.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Cheers,

Tristan

Nicely done.
No waffle, straight to the point.
My only niggle (and it's a very small one)
is your line lengths.
I found them too bitty.(Is there such a word )

I found, if I read it with slightly longer lines
the delivery packed a stronger punch.
Hey, it may just be me
See what you think.
Take or leave my suggestion.
I won't be offended.
We all read things differently


We were evacuated after a WW2
bomb was found in our cellar.

Had it killed us the papers would have called
it a cruel misfortune, a tragic loss
of life and the German government
would have probably expressed its sorrow
and offered condolences to friends
and family all because we were
not the husband, wife and child
the bomb was meant to kill.

Pauline.

Hi Pauline,

There are elements of your suggestion I really like. I like your more clipped start to L3 and ending this line with 'called', and I like 'not' starting the penultimate line. You are right, that definitely strengthens the impact of the poem. The problem for me is that I'm not so sure about the other line breaks and what they add besides evening up the length of the lines. I'll see what I can do. Many thanks though for your useful suggestions. Much appreciated!

Cheers,

Tristan

I like the sentiment, I think, behind this poem. More jaw-jaw?
Walking through the west end of Newcastle, you will find there is no 32-68/35-79 etc on many streets. But, there are little 'play-parks' for children.
I'm not old enough to know what war is truly like, nor young enough not to fear it, having played on the bomb sites, before they were turned into parks. x

Thank you for your comment Katherine. I think you have the bones of a great poem there.

Cheers,

Tristan

I think it works well. Nice idea.

But a small voice in me objects to "all because". It sounds as if that means "only" because. Is that really true?
Presumably the bomb was not intended to kill a particular family. (Although deaths can of course be foreseen). It was not so "meant". So it cannot really be that apologies et al would be offered only because you were not the family it was meant to kill.

Pedantry I know.

Seth

In the car in this family photo is Uncle George and his daughter Kathleen killed in the Manchester Blitz. Grandad is standing on the duck board.

Much improvement over the three versions.

You make your point very well, but I share the philosophical misgivings of David, Ros and Seth. On the one hand, the poem rams home how awful it is to bomb civilians. But on the other hand, the cynic/pedant in me says "well, of course there's a different reaction when this happens in peacetime compared to wartime. Everything is different, especially how the German government would react." I suppose I'm reacting against your making such an obvious point - which in a way validates the poem. So I think it's a valid point and I wouldn't change it.

Interesting piece actually despite its simplicity.

Thanks Seth and K-j.

Seth, I take your point and have changed the poem to cater for your criticism. Although, I now think the poem has lost a lot of its force and reads a bit flat. Maybe there just wasn't enough there in the first place.

Cheers both,

Tristan

Ps. Great photo.

Hi Tristan,

It was much better with the "the"...

The fact that it was not _specifically_ intended to kill a particular family doesn't mean it wasn't _more_ intended to kill them than the modern inhabitants. I think this slight logical flaw lies within the scope of poetic license...

Ian