Poetry Forum

V3

Rescued from a Romanian zoo
where caged since a cub
in a two metre square cube
he now couldn't survive
on his own.

Some admire, some pity
as he snarls and roars
at teenagers who taunt him.
The fence feels more real
than he does here.

But the pupils of his eyes pull
like blackholes,
and I am scared
scared of this old lost lion
who has never known himself.


V2

We’re told he was rescued
12 years ago from a Romanian Zoo
where he was caged
in two-square-metres
since a cub, and now
couldn’t survive on his own.

Some admire, some pity
as he snarls and roars
at teenagers who taunt him.
The fence feels more real
than he does here. As if it were
made from his bones.

But the pupils of his eyes still pull
like blackholes,
and I am scared
scared of this old lost lion
who has never known himself.


V1

His matted, mane frames a long, hispid face: black-lined,
yellow eyes either side of the broad bridge
of his nose, which germinates,
like two black leaves,
out of the hut-shaped line of his lips.

Up and down he paces,
all ridges and slabs of moving muscle.

We’re told he was rescued
12 years ago from a Romanian Zoo
where he was kept in
a two-metre-square cage
from being a cub, and now
couldn’t survive on his own.

Some admire, some pity
as he snarls and roars
at teenagers who taunt him.
The fence feels more real
than he does. As if it were
somehow made from his bones.

But the pupils of his eyes still pull
like blackholes;
and I am scared
scared of this old lost lion
who has never known himself.

Interesting idea but I do feel you could lose the first two stanzas - we know what a lion looks like. I like the ending, the beast emitting vibes that scare the N., even though he is safe behind a fence.

Best,
Lou

Thanks for the advice Lou. Much appreciated.

Cheers,

Tristan

i liked this a lot you were able to pull me along with you,

every body knows what a lion is, but not from a cage all its life,

i thought you put the lion very well, you described something so precious,

i enjoyed it very much

This one's not really working for me, Tristan. The first verse in particular seems to be scene-setting in prose - if you take away the line breaks you get a 'normal' sentence:

We’re told he was rescued 12 years ago from a Romanian Zoo where he was caged in two-square-metres from being a cub, and now couldn’t survive on his own.

I think you need some sort of heightened language or metaphor to make it rise above what could be a line in a newspaper.

Ros

Thanks for your comments Ros and Ray.

Ros, sorry it's not working for you. I'll see what I can do about perking the language up in the first stanza.

Ray, you got it spot on. Yes we are all lions at Doncaster wildlife park. We are also all caged by the modern world to a certain extent and severed from a more instinctive life.

Cheers both,

Tristan

Rescued from a Romanian zoo
where caged since a cub
in a two metre square cube
he now couldn't survive
on his own. ... So, now he's in Britain. Lions are better off here. Naturally.

Some admire, some pity
as he snarls and roars
at teenagers who taunt him. ...So much better than Romanian teenagers!
The fence feels more real
than he does here.... I hear you.

But the pupils of his eyes pull
like blackholes,
and I am scared
scared of this old lost lion
who has never known himself. I bet he knows he's trapped.

I remember, as a child, being taken to zoo - I think it was Edinburgh Zoo. A polar bear padded backwards and forwards and then stood up and roared.
He did this, constantly.
I thought it was wonderful, until I overheard my daddy say "That poor bear is mad!". It haunts me, still.
You want to see a lion? Go to Africa - that's where they live.
You want to see a polar bear? Go to Canada.
You can't afford it? Watch the telly.
I've never seen an Eskimo/Inuit, but I don't think it would be appropriate to trap someone in order to put them on display in Doncaster!

Firebird wrote:Yes we are all lions at Doncaster wildlife park.

That's the line I particularly liked too, Tristan. Good finish.

Can I recommend Rilke's Panther? Or is that unnecessary?

Cheers

David

Liking V3 Tristan.

The only thing I would suggest (and I'll quite understand if it isn't for you):

"On encountering an African lion in Doncaster"

At first glance this is a humorous note, but I think it works more deeply than that, because by pulling the location (albeit momentarily) into a human location you underline the human<->lion comparison.

Also I think this title is just a bit more striking generally... it might pull more eyes your way

Ian

I like your suggestion Ian for the title and will be changing it. Many thanks.

Cheers,

Tristan

Ahem.