Poetry Forum

Katherine wrote:I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack! (Not sure about the exclamation mark here)

In days gone by, I used to jump (agree with Seth here)
out of my bed - before this slump- ('my' seems a little clunky here)
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea. (I like that you are specific here, but somehow for me 'The North' sounds wrong)

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.

Katherine wrote:I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back. ...Would 'then' be better than another 'and'?
The day starts well, without a crack! ...Perfect iambic tetrameter all the way.

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea. ...The North Sea is, of course, the name of the sea so it's difficult to change that one. I'd be more than tempted to mention the locale because The North Sea is pretty big. Nobody else has mentioned the rhyming of 'sea' with 'see', so I won't mention it. The meter is tricky but sound, following traditional iambic flow with a double iamb hoyed in for good measure. I get iamb/iamb/double iamb.
But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching. ...If I was forced to be picky I'd say a bit more would be very satisfying. Still like it, though.

Pre-dawn beach running = admirable. Come on, you can do it!

I wonder if there is an alternative to "in days gone by" which is implied by the following "I used to" and so feels a bit like padding perhaps?

Crayon wrote:Your opening lines work as a reminder of, and a poignant juxtaposition to, that well-know children's bedtime prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Katherine wrote:I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs then, stretch my back. - do you need the comma?
The day starts well, without a crack.

In younger days, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along to Gypsies’ Green
to watch the sunrise – so serene.

The North Sea held the sun for me
until, I stopped - then it was free. You might need to mention what it is you've stopped doing[
The world was at my beck and call -
I’m young; I’m free - I have it all!

The world was such an easy ride.
But, life goes on - here comes the tide!
It washes all your youth away
and that is why I’m here today - and that is why I ache today?
aching.

......................................................................................................................................


I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack!

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea.

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.

Katherine wrote:I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs then, stretch my back. ...Yes, I'm not sure what the comma's doing. Is it a 'stretch' break? Maybe after 'then' or not at all.
The day starts well, without a crack.

In younger days, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along to Gypsies’ Green
to watch the sunrise – so serene. ...Can't let you have 'serene' Something with 'scene' might work, or 'marine' or something about your age EG fourteen. I considered 'queen' then suppressed the thought.

The North Sea held the sun for me
until, I stopped - then it was free. ...The sea was free? Is that it? This might completely change your meaning but would 'I' work instead of 'it'?
The world was at my beck and call -
I’m young; I’m free - I have it all! ...Ah! You're using 'free' again and in the previously mentioned context.

The world was such an easy ride.
But, life goes on - here comes the tide!
It washes all your youth away
and that is why I’m here today - ...Like Ray's suggestion.
aching.

Really good poem, Katherine. Make of my suggestions what you will.

Best

JJ

......................................................................................................................................


I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack!

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea.

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.