Poetry Forum

Autumn's Message (Revised)

Relax among the death of leaves,
easy on the eye and mind.
Dropped gyrating in the breeze,
yesterday now left behind.
Effortless the death of leaves,
life now lived and time to die.
Let not the human mind believe
our feeble brain can reason why.
We also have a time to live
before our time of death arrives.
Regard life as a chance to give,
or waste it in sad selfish sighs.
We know in life that we must die;
not now the time to question why.


Autumn's Message

Relax among the death of leaves,
easy on the eye and mind.
Dropped gyrating in the breeze,
yesterday now left behind.
Effortless the death of leaves,
life now lived and time to die.
Let not the human mind believe
our feeble brain can reason why
we also have a time to live
before our time of death arrives.
Regard life as a chance to give,
or waste it in sad selfish sighs.
We know we live and we must die;
not now the time to question why.

hi TM,

The message of acceptance is a wise one, but then it is natural to be otherwise.

or waste it in a selfish sigh

Perhaps the stress on sad slows the line? Or perhaps that was the intention for emphasis.

best

mac

Very sweet, reflective poem. I love the juxtaposition of life and death as reflected in the autumn leaves and the N (very much alive) lying on them. I love how you expressed the ethical aspect of the poem without getting overly preachy about it. End rhymes seem effortless. My only two nits:

Let not the human mind believe
our feeble brain can reason why - period needed here I think.
we also have a time to live - Capital for "we".
before our time of death arrives.

We know we live and we must die; - Sounds a little awkward. Maybe "We know we live, deny we die"?
not now the time to question why


Luce

Macavity wrote:hi TM,

The message of acceptance is a wise one, but then it is natural to be otherwise.

or waste it in a selfish sigh

Perhaps the stress on sad slows the line? Or perhaps that was the intention for emphasis.

best

mac

Thank you Mac for reading and for your thoughts. Perhaps it is natural that when one has to admit to old age one tends to think now and then about death
I can see your point about the stress on "sad", but somehow I feel the need to keeps the plural "sighs". (we are considering a whole lifetime of sighs). I'll have a little think about that one.
Cheers, Tony

Luce wrote:Very sweet, reflective poem. I love the juxtaposition of life and death as reflected in the autumn leaves and the N (very much alive) lying on them. I love how you expressed the ethical aspect of the poem without getting overly preachy about it. End rhymes seem effortless. My only two nits:

Let not the human mind believe
our feeble brain can reason why - period needed here I think.
we also have a time to live - Capital for "we".
before our time of death arrives.

We know we live and we must die; - Sounds a little awkward. Maybe "We know we live, deny we die"?
not now the time to question why


Luce

Thank you Luce, your thoughts are much appreciated.
I did originally have the full stop where you suggest but then realised that a four line sentence made sense. On reflection I think you are quite right and have put the full stop back (and the following capital ).
I did wonder a bit about the flow of the penultimate line myself - but the poem is about the acceptance of mortality so "deny" doesn't really work. However I have made a small change to the line which I hope works better.
Thanks again, Tony

Read the revision TonyMac.

Yep, yep that line that troubled me has been resolved. Great revision.

Luce

Hi there!

This is probably my favorite type of poems. The amazing yet terrifying feel that it gives, and it puts a lot of things in perspective.
Very well done, I love it!

Relax among the death of leaves,
easy on the eye and mind.
Dropped gyrating in the breeze,
yesterday now left behind.... I'm going to get irritatingly arsey - Leaves are detritus.
Effortless the death of leaves,
life now lived and time to die.... We lose hairs; is that a 'death' too?
Let not the human mind believe
our feeble brain can reason why. ... Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die
We also have a time to live
before our time of death arrives.... The trees haven't died, they've only shed their leaves /hair/ had a poo.
Regard life as a chance to give,
or waste it in sad selfish sighs.... Amen.
We know in life that we must die;
not now the time to question why.....The establishment of a biological order, brought about through the maelstrom of physical and chemical chaos...

Although I have appeared to be hypercritical of your poem, I know exactly where you're coming from. And, I liked it. x

Thank you Luce and trygo, I'm glad you like the revised version.

Katherine wrote:Relax among the death of leaves,
easy on the eye and mind.
Dropped gyrating in the breeze,
yesterday now left behind.... I'm going to get irritatingly arsey - Leaves are detritus.
Effortless the death of leaves,
life now lived and time to die.... We lose hairs; is that a 'death' too?
Let not the human mind believe
our feeble brain can reason why. ... Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die
We also have a time to live
before our time of death arrives.... The trees haven't died, they've only shed their leaves /hair/ had a poo.
Regard life as a chance to give,
or waste it in sad selfish sighs.... Amen.
We know in life that we must die;
not now the time to question why.....The establishment of a biological order, brought about through the maelstrom of physical and chemical chaos...

Although I have appeared to be hypercritical of your poem, I know exactly where you're coming from. And, I liked it. x

Thank you Katherine for your thoughts on reading my poem. It's always appreciated when someone has obviously given time to do so.

If I might start at the end as it were - I'm glad to see that you can see where I'm coming from and that you liked it

I think "yesterday now left behind" with its meaning "they are now history" is easily understood, even if the exact meaning isn't logically correct. As a simile of the fact that you will die but the tree of life live on is how the line is meant to be understood.

You ask is a shed hair dead while an attached hair alive? I can only reply does a growing flower live and a cut flower die? For the purpose of this poem I would say yes.

It hasn't been suggested that the tree died. Only the leaves. Rather like you breaking free of the tree of life one (hopefully distant) day.

I'm amused by your alternatives to my lines - now try shortening them into iambic tetrameter lol.
To finish on a serious note - I repeat I'm grateful for your critique