Dumbo

[ton321]

I can still see it now
a round elephant of blown glass
sitting on its shelf
in the unheated lounge
of my my grandmothers house.
It was as light as air
congealed into something holdable.
Its trunk caught the light sometimes.

We always went out through the front room
when we went home after the holidays,
to where my fathers car was parked;
and it always caught my attention,
that glass ornament, sat on its shelf-
a Buddha of silence.

I cupped it it my hands, once,
and put it back, as if i were
putting a heart back in its place.

We shuffled through leavings and smalltalk
to the car parked outside, the engine cooling,
its metals ticking like clocks.

[Lou]

A very nice picture of childhood with the narrator noticing everything. I like grandma's cold room - old folk either like rooms too hot or too cold. The final image of the car cooling suggests the visit wasn' t a long one! You need an apostrophe in L5 by the way.

Best,
Lou

[trobbo44]

Double 'it', third stanza. Otherwise, a nicely penned memory

[David]

I think this is great. I don't think I can fault anything in it. Well ...

You need an apostrophe in L5 by the way.

And in S2 L3. And should smalltalk be two words?

Good stuff, though, ton. (Do we call you ton?) Very good stuff.

Cheers

David

[Macavity]

More cohesive this one Ton, more control in the images, and therefore more readable. Some further thoughts...

I can still see it now
a round elephant of blown glass
sitting on its shelf
in the unheated lounge...........................................................................like the specific
of my my grandmothers house.........................................my x 2?
It was as light as air
congealed into something holdable..............................................'congealed'...sounds a bit foody to me?
Its trunk caught the light sometimes........................................used light in the previous sentence.

We always went out through the front room
when we went home after the holidays,...................................................went x2.........do you have an alternative verb?
to where my fathers car was parked;...........................................a specific car would add a time aspect?
and it always caught my attention,............................................this is the second time you have used caught
that glass ornament, sat on its shelf-
a Buddha of silence.

I cupped it it my hands, once,.................................it x 2
and put it back, as if i were.............................................................why is i lowercase?
putting a heart back in its place...................................a lot of it/its in this strophe (and in the poem)

We shuffled through leavings and smalltalk
to the car parked outside, the engine cooling,
its metals ticking like clocks.

best

mac

[Luce]

My suggestion - Proofread your submission dude to take care of obvious errors like typos and such. Do make sure they are caught before you put an original submission or revision. That said, we all make mistakes but best to catch and correct them first or ASAP.

OK to your poem. I love it. It brought back memories of my grandmother's house. Her room was full of mementos, like a yellowed photo of my grandfather in a big Panama hat, his foot resting on the car rail of a 1930's Ford. I especially love these lines:

I cupped it in [s]it[/s] my hands, once,
and put the elephant [s]it[/s] back, as if [s]i[/s] I were putting a heart back in its place.

Yes, that's how I treated and thought of my grandmother's things. They were something precious and fragile, like her.

Mainly fix the obvious stuff ton. It's driving me crazy.

Luce

I can still see it [s]now[/s] a round elephant made of blown glass
sitting on its shelf
in the unheated lounge
of my [s]my[/s] grandmother's house. - apostrophe for grandmother.
It was [s]as[/s] light as air
congealed into something holdable. I like this line. Would suggest formed rather than congealed.
The [s]Its[/s] trunk caught the light. [s]sometimes.[/s]
We always went out through the front room -I'm a little confused? How did they enter the house then?[s]when we went home after the holidays,[/s]
to where my father's car was parked; - apostrophe for father.
and it always caught my attention, - Don't understand? Why would it not catch your attention when you came in?
that glass ornament, sat on its shelf-
a Buddha of silence. - I guess you picked Buddha because of the elephant/indian connection. OK. It works.

I cupped the elephant [s]it it[/s] in my hands, once,
and put it back, as if[s]I[/s] I were
putting a heart back in its place. - Great lines and imagery.

We shuffled through leavings and smalltalk - Space needed between "small talk".
to the car parked outside, the engine cooling, - Not sure about the engine cooling, warming or running, yes.
its metals ticking like clocks. - Love this simile.

I love the ending and how you turned the engine into a clock. The running of the engine could infer that the visit was very short but not for me. You could indicate that this was a long visit to grandma by indicating a passage of time, just to be clear, like:

Long after the dishes were washed and put away,
did we shuffled through goodbyes and hugs
to the car parked outside, the engine running,
its metals ticking like clocks.

Above is only a suggestion. I'm not saying you have to use the wording here. It's just an example how you can indicate time passing by. It's TOT always.

[ton321]

Thanks Lou, glad you liked it, but as you say it seems like it was a short visit, not what i intended, thanks for pointing that out lol!
Terry, glad you liked it.
David, call me Tony. I'm seriously shit at punctuation, but glad for the feedback.
Mac and Luce, thanks for the suggestions and comments, and taking the time out, its more appreciated
than i can express, but cheers,
Tony.

[Crayon]

ton321 - Love this. It has equal delight and pathos. It reminds me of childhood in 70s' England, and my best friend's house, and his mum's array of exotic glass ornaments. Here's a bunch of thoughts, all put into an edit:


I can still picture it,
a round elephant of blown glass
sat safe on its shelf
in the unheated front room
of my grandmother's house.

It was as light as light itself,
set into something holdable.
Sometimes, its trunk caught the sun.

After the holidays, when dad
came to collect us, we'd go out
the front way, past the elephant,
and it would always catch my eye,
that transparent Buddha of silence.

Once, I cupped it in my hands
then put it back, exactly, as if
putting a heart back in place.

We shuffled through small talk to
the car outside, the engine cooling,
its metal tap-tapping like time.

[bodkin]

I can still see it now Maybe "I can see it still"? I just think ending L1 a syllable short pulls the read forwards...
a round elephant of blown glass
sitting on its shelf How would you feel about "sat on its shelf"? It's poorer style but better rhythm... Another idea might be to make these two lines:

"an elephant
of blown glass sitting on its shelf"
in the unheated lounge
of my my grandmothers house. "my my" and needs an apostrophe...
It was as light as air
congealed into something holdable. I'd move "congealed" to the previous line, at the moment it reads a bit as if the elephant is congeal rather than the light...
Its trunk caught the light sometimes.

We always went out through the front room
when we went home after the holidays,
to where my fathers car was parked;
and it always caught my attention,
that glass ornament, sat on its shelf-
a Buddha of silence.

I cupped it it my hands, once,
and put it back, as if i were
putting a heart back in its place.

We shuffled through leavings and smalltalk
to the car parked outside, the engine cooling,
its metals ticking like clocks.

Nice. Have you tried reading it aloud to yourself? All sorts of awkward little moments catch you when you do that and you find you should drop the odd word or rephrase to lose a syllable... I highlighted a few above but there are some others. If you tried that already, then keep it up; you'll a stronger ear the more practice you get.

Particularly like the last line, I might have gone for "a clock" myself, but that's personal taste I think...

Ian

[k-j]

Good poem.

Maybe "it was like air congealed / into etc".

The two "always" in v2 sound flat to me. I'd prefer "we used to go out..." and "it would catch". You can delete "that glass ornament, sat on its shelf" which has been said before.

Last six lines are fab.

[Grace]

Hi Tony,

Good story, imagery. I really enjoyed the elephant as heart being carefully replaced on the shelf and the Buddha of silence.

There are many comments already, and I would only add to the ones about the car cooling. I heard that intermittent "tick...tick..........tick" of a cooling engine loud and clear reading your words. The ticks that come to my mind are after a drive when the car has been turned off and you sit there for a bit in the otherwise quiet night.

All this to say, would there be a possibility of ending the poem with the narrator waking up in the car (full belly, holiday schedule nap) after the drive home alone, or something else that would get him in a car with engine cooling?

Otherwise the ticks need to be from the running engine, as already stated...

Grace

[ton321]

Thanks, Crayon for your comments, it's always appreciated. Ian, just slight changes can make a big difference, thanks for your suggestions. Kj, glad you liked some of it, there are some repetitions and grammatical errors i need to clean up. Grace, glad you liked it. I had the image of the sound of a cooling car engine sounding like a clock that was counting down the minutes before we had to leave.

[Katherine]

I can still see it now
a round elephant of blown glass
sitting on its shelf
in the unheated lounge
of my my grandmothers house. ....... I love this! Grandparents are, the world over, frugal.
It was as light as air
congealed into something holdable.
Its trunk caught the light sometimes. ........Mneh, not sure about this.

We always went out through the front room
when we went home after the holidays,
to where my fathers car was parked;
and it always caught my attention,
that glass ornament, sat on its shelf-
a Buddha of silence............... Nice image.

I cupped it it my hands, once,
and put it back, as if i were
putting a heart back in its place............I get that. Nice image.

We shuffled through leavings and smalltalk
to the car parked outside, the engine cooling,
its metals ticking like clocks............ Sounds like you didn't stay very long, if the engine is still cooling.

I hope you inherited, or will inherit 'The Elephant'. It sounds like you deserve it.
I can't find a single poetic device, but I liked your poem. x

[Luce]

Wow!!! I've been reading the comments about the "engine cooling" and never thought that the visit may be that short. However, we're talking about minutes - most car engines cool down really fast. Hate to think the N's visit was that short - my preference of course.

My family experience with a short visit - and short would be a 1/2 hour - was hurrying goodbyes outside the front door. This usually happened because the car was already warmed up and we wanted to get inside the car.

With the above in mind, please ignore my suggestion about the " engine warming" or "running".

Luce

[bodkin]

Wow!!! I've been reading the comments about the "engine cooling" and never thought that the visit may be that short. However, we're talking about minutes - most car engines cool down really fast. Hate to think the N's visit was that short - my preference of course.
Luce

I read this as the N had had a long visit but the parents were only there for 1/2 hour picking them up from grandma's...

Maybe a word or two to expose this explicitly would give worthwhile background?

Ian

[ton321]

Hi Katherine, glad you liked it. There seems massive confusion about this ticking engine business. I just thought it was a cool simile to end the poem with. We stayed with my grandparents for the holidays, he came to pick us up. Cheers, Tony.