This common man, bruised by empathy,
has strayed far beyond his capacities.
Only the cunning shall survive the coming
trial.
The greedy, the vile and the violent
have prevailed and the wrath
of indulgence has followed.
The meek shall not inherit the earth,
the lamb shall be led to its slaughter
and the wolf shall eat its fill.
This naive little proletariat
has given rise to a refugee,
the damned who becomes
too weak to stand beyond
the crawl, an easy target
for the "Super Class" to covet.
The lens of the Oligarchy owned
media keeps him hair-trigged against
the foreign invader, consumately
supported by bigot-flavoured treatise.
While this barely fledged democracy
is pounced upon by the New World Order
who control his finances through
national debt and laundered intrigue.
And the mafia of the Rothschild
think tanks tell him what to think,
infiltrating the education system that
is designed to execute the middle classes.
Just as Orwellian prophecies
are nailed to his forehead
by all the false prophets.
1st Edit
The common man, bruised by his empathy,
has strayed beyond his capacities.
Only the cunning shall survive the trial.
The greedy, the vile and the violent
have prevailed and the wrath
of indulgence has followed.
The meek shall not inherit the earth,
the lamb shall be led to its slaughter
and the wolf shall eat its fill.
Naive proletariat give rise to the refugee,
the damned who becomes too weak
to stand beyond the crawl and an easy
target for the "Super Class" to covet.
The lens of Oligarchy owned media
keeps the masses hair-trigged against
the foreign invader, backed up by
bigot-flavoured treatise.
While barely fledged democracy
is pounced upon by the New World Order,
controlling stock markets through
national debt and laundered intrigue.
The mafia of the Rothschild et al
think tanks tell us what to think,
masking infiltrated education systems
designed to execute the middle classes.
As Orwellian prophecies are nailed
to our foreheads by false prophets.
Original
The common man, bruised by his empathy,
has strayed far beyond his capacities.
Only the cunning survive the test.
The greedy, the vile and the violent
have prevailed and the wrath
of indulgence has followed with them.
The meek shall not inherit the earth,
the lamb shall be led to its slaughter
and the wolf shall eat its fill.
Naive proletariat give rise to the refugees,
who become the damned, too weak to stand
beyond the crawl and easy targets
for the 'Super Class' to covet.
The lens of the Oligarchy owned media
keep the masses occupied and hair-trigged
for foreign invaders,
backed up by strong bigot-flavoured treatise.
While barely fledged democracy is pounced upon
by the New World Order, controlled through
stock markets and national debt intrigue.
Rothschild owned think tanks telling us what to think,
whilst education systems are designed
to execute the middle classes.
And Orwellian prophecies are nailed to our foreheads by false
This Weakened State (2nd Edit )
Hi Trobbo,
The passion of this poem is really coming through, and it has the feel of the voice of a prophet. Some of the action verbs are well chosen.
However, it reads like a speech to me. It's a bit thick, in my opinion, with its list of observations.
It has good subject matter. Some of the statements need to be narrower to get the reader's attention. Consider one refugee suffering from the result of violence and greed?
I like the title very much. I would think about reworking some of this and follow that lead.
Additional thoughts:
This Weakened State
Unread postby trobbo44 » Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:46 am
This world, bruised by its empathy,
has strayed far beyond its calling............................has strayed beyond its call
It left its future in the hands of selfish
children, ill-prepared to manage its people.
The greedy, the vile and the violent
have prevailed and the wrath
of indulgence has followed
with them.......................................................no need for this line
The meek shall not inherit the earth,
the lamb shall be led to its slaughter
and the wolf shall eat its fill.
Naive proletariat give rise to the refugees,..........................edit "the"
who become the damned, too weak to stand...........................nice slant here
beyond the crawl and easy targets.....................................drop "beyond the crawl" unless that is a reference I am missing to something other than crawling.
for the 'Super Class' to covet............................................either quotes or caps, imo
The lens of the Oligarchy owned media
keep the masses occupied and hair-trigged.........................edit "and?"
for foreign invaders, backed up by strong
bigot-flavoured treatise.
While barely fledged democracy
is pounced upon by the New World Order,......................good use of pounced here
controlled through stock markets
and national debt intrigue....................................this stanza is a clause?
Rothschild owned think tanks telling us......................tell us
what to think, whilst education systems
are designed to execute the middle classes.
And Orwellian prophecies are nailed
to our foreheads by false prophets............................good imagery. Ugh!
The passion of this poem is really coming through, and it has the feel of the voice of a prophet. Some of the action verbs are well chosen.
However, it reads like a speech to me. It's a bit thick, in my opinion, with its list of observations.
It has good subject matter. Some of the statements need to be narrower to get the reader's attention. Consider one refugee suffering from the result of violence and greed?
I like the title very much. I would think about reworking some of this and follow that lead.
Additional thoughts:
This Weakened State
Unread postby trobbo44 » Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:46 am
This world, bruised by its empathy,
has strayed far beyond its calling............................has strayed beyond its call
It left its future in the hands of selfish
children, ill-prepared to manage its people.
The greedy, the vile and the violent
have prevailed and the wrath
of indulgence has followed
with them.......................................................no need for this line
The meek shall not inherit the earth,
the lamb shall be led to its slaughter
and the wolf shall eat its fill.
Naive proletariat give rise to the refugees,..........................edit "the"
who become the damned, too weak to stand...........................nice slant here
beyond the crawl and easy targets.....................................drop "beyond the crawl" unless that is a reference I am missing to something other than crawling.
for the 'Super Class' to covet............................................either quotes or caps, imo
The lens of the Oligarchy owned media
keep the masses occupied and hair-trigged.........................edit "and?"
for foreign invaders, backed up by strong
bigot-flavoured treatise.
While barely fledged democracy
is pounced upon by the New World Order,......................good use of pounced here
controlled through stock markets
and national debt intrigue....................................this stanza is a clause?
Rothschild owned think tanks telling us......................tell us
what to think, whilst education systems
are designed to execute the middle classes.
And Orwellian prophecies are nailed
to our foreheads by false prophets............................good imagery. Ugh!
x
Sorry Terry, I didn't mean to short change you on a crit. That was lazy of me to do. Here it goes then.trobbo44 wrote:Luce thanks for the shortened input. Regards Terry
I think the poem would go far if you focused on an incident showing how the common man is being preyed upon for one.
Right now it reads like general statements. Pick an event that shows what you're saying. The trick here is not to pick something already said a thousand times. The challenge is to make it as fresh as you can.
All of this has been said before in rallies and speeches but people remember images. For example, people have read about the "Dust Bowl" in the 1930's, of farmers being thrown off their land to wander from state to state looking for work, starving.
However, it was the movie "The Grapes of Wrath" with a young Henry Fonda that brought this home to millions of viewers in the 40's and even now.
Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
This poem represents a series of combined statements about the hierarchic society we find ourselves living in today. It is not about one person, or one circumstance. Rather, it is the sum of the parts that go to making the whole a degrading issue of the intent by the New World Order. I hope there are those that accept its merits at face value, without the need for sourcing or proven data that would detract from essence of the poem. Regards Terry
I was merely stating how alienated I feel by the choices made by 'everyman'. I feel angry at the 'powers that be', but also frightened by those who wish to displace them.trobbo44 wrote:Katherine, unless you're extremely rich and at the centre of controlling the little man, none of the poem relates to anything being your fault. Regards
x