Poetry Forum

We had a car, not many did,
purchased and fueled by bread and jam
for tea for years, a fact I hid
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success
if known the car meant eating less.

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
and hearing their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.

Slightly nervous to comment in case you take offence.

Here goes:

We had a car, not many did,.......nice start
purchased and fueled by bread and jam.......I think you mean that he afforded the car by half- starving his kids. Not sure this is clear enough as it stands, however.

for tea for years, a fact I hid
from envious friends who’d mock the sham
of my dad’s posture of success.......very nice line.
if known the car meant eating less.

So while, no doubt, they envied me
I envied chicken Sunday lunch
and hearing their mum’s recipes
for dishes needing bite and crunch,......perhaps specify what dishes? Give a more visceral idea of the textures of the desired foods in contrast the soft, unsatisfying bread and jam.
while dominating all car trips
a salivating yearn for chips.......perhaps just 'a yearning for chips'?

Quite enjoyed this.

Luke

This is working pretty well - the title fits well, too. Perhaps just let the language flow a little more naturally?

eg for me 'posture of success' is not a phrase one would usually use, and

while dominating all car trips

may be better in the first person, eg. dominating my car trips.

bite and crunch does feel as if it's there to make the rhyme - I agree with Luke that something specific would be more effective.

Ros

Thankyou for adding a footnote of humour through your critiue, particulaly the reference to specifying the exact recipe which I now realise I should have devote a seperate verse to.
Conflicting views on "posture of success" but if it satisfies both parties happy to toss a coin on it.
The father starving his children is an optional extra not intergral to the poem but happy for the reader to assume it if imagination allows. My technique generally Ros, and I note others do the same, is to put rhyming words located so that they rhyme with others placed similartly.
Poem is about. and the following goes under the heading "need to know " is human gullibility and the innapropriate way a car was financed and how that process was self defeating. A touch of whimsey...

This poem has been moved to Beginners from Experienced not because it warrants it but because my poems where dominating the Experienced section both in quantity, quality and readership. This is not an open fair forum, it is controlled by the few for the few