The God and The Monsters Version II

[VintagePoetess]

VERSION III

A host monsters have taken him,
slicked inside his flesh, they cling,
swamping his body from within
Leviathans that devour everything

Biblical creatures, created before sin
a slithering horde of pure appetite,
with the souls he stole, they slipped in
and now his body cracks with their blight

He told me needed those souls, I protested
but he wanted power, that was the gain,
before I knew how, he was infested
and his enemies killed, he turned vain

Power corrupted his mentality
he chose god, as his new name
until he felt eroding his morality
and tried to fix himself in shame

Despite all, I came to help him
saw redemption denied at the end
as he lost the battle beneath his skin
now nothing is left of my friend

Version II

There is a blackness, slicked up inside him
That animates his once gentle frame
The creations, before the creations of sin
Leviathans, are their biblical name

They had slipped in with the souls who,
Gave him the power the he needed to gain
For the plan, which he believed in so true
To slay those, who he could not have slain

But power corrupts so completely
And he chose god as his new name
Til he questioned his own stability
And he gave it up to stay sane

But the creatures held on in him
His redemption cut short at the end
A battle ensued beneath his skin
And now monsters grin through my friend


Version I
A Supernatural (TV show) inspired poem.

They were the blackness, slicked up inside him,
The dark shadows beneath his statue,
The creations, before the creation of sin,
In a false idol, built from those who,
Lost their souls to the arms of Eve,
With their blood and mistrust he became,
Oh people, if only you could believe,
He bargained himself in your name,
But power corrupts, and we grieve,
The monsters twisted him insane,
The sins and blood burst through,
And the river of death made it's claim.

[Ros]

I haven't seen the TV show, and I don't think this works without... I'm not sure why you've put commas at the end of every line? For me this is rather too full of generic ideas, eg blood, death, sin, and I'm not getting any real images from it.

Ros

[Luce]

Hi VP,

I'm curious to know what show inspired the poem. It may help posters to help you with this piece if they have a reference point.

Right now, all I can say is that you badly need some fresh imagery here. The poem is mostly telling us what is happening as oppose to showing us. There are lots of abstractions and stock gothic wordage too which doesn't help matters.

Luce

Additional Comments:

"The God and The Monsters"

The title infers that there is more than one God. is that so? If not, than change to "God and the Monsters". If there is more than one God than you're not showing that in the poem.

A Supernatural (TV show) inspired poem.

You can jot down the inspiration, if you wish. Not normally done. In the end, it's the poem that speaks for you ...or not.

They were the blackness, slicked up inside him,

Do like the sonics of "slicked up".

Who is "they"? Describe them. You have an opportunity to open the poem with an image of these things slicking up inside someone.

The dark shadows beneath his statue,
The creations, before the creation of sin,
In a false idol, built from those who,
Lost their souls to the arms of Eve,
With their blood and mistrust he became,

Oh people, if only you could believe,
He bargained himself in your name,
But power corrupts, and we grieve,
The monsters twisted him insane,
The sins and blood burst through,
And the river of death made it's claim.

I'm getting distracted by all the commas and the capitalization of each line. You're putting commas where they are not necessary. These commas disrupt the flow of the poem since you're having the reader pause constantly.

The above lines are all abstractions and stock gothic wordage. More importantly, you're telling and not showing us about someone's evil transformation.

Luce


P.S. I'm assuming you're reading lots of poetry. if so, study your favorites (preferable modern masters). Dissect them to see how they use imagery, similes, metaphors, sonic devices, form, line breaks etc. in their poems.

As a learning tool only, imitate a few to see how it all comes together.

[VintagePoetess]

Thank you both for your comments. I did not even notice the commas until you pointed them out!

Thanks for the breakdown Luce, it's really made me think about it much more. I've not come across sonic devices before - I said I was very new! - so I'll look into those. And I'll fetch a load of my poetry from home and re-read some stuff.

And thank you too Ros, you have a good point! The poem loses a lot of meaning without prior knowledge of the show. I was hoping of posting a few fan inspired poems here since I'm working on a collection of fan poetry to turn into a book for charity. But perhaps this is the wrong forum for getting them reviewed, as people here won't immediately get the context?

[Ros]

It depends on the show - people may be fans! If your main audience is going to be other fans, though, then you can leave out some of the background. Posting here may help with the poetic side of what you're creating, and you're welcome to keep posting, as long as you don't mind us possibly being rather puzzled!

Ros

[cynwulf]

Tend to agree with earlier comments on the abstractions and imagery. I enjoyed reading it, perhaps ignorance of the actual programme you based it on helps the arcane, mysterious atmosphere of the poem. I got a feeling of Lovecraft's world, the Chthulu horrors and all that. A pedantic point-last line 'it's' shd be 'its'.
Please keep them coming. Regards, c.

[VintagePoetess]

Hi guys,

I forgot to say Luce, Supernatural is the television show, it's on the CW at moment. It's a sort of horror, monster a week type show, but includes angels, God, heaven and hell, demons etc. Hence the accidental gothic imagery overload!

Thank you Ros, I was concerned I made a huge faux pas on my first posting! If you don't mind me posting the occasional puzzling poem, then I think it would really be worth getting advice on them. All writing should be well written, especially when writing for an audience.

Thank you Cynwulf as well! Funnily enough there was a Lovecraft connection in the episodes this poem was inspired by! Thanks for pointing out the grammar mistake - always helpful. I'll check more carefully in future.

I see what you and Luce mean about the abstractions - I basically wrote down a load of imagery and feelings. Re-reading it now I realise that I didn't know where this poem was going. So thank you all. I'll going to give it a serious think and a serious re-write.

[JJWilliamson]

Hi, VP

It's certainly got power and although I agree with the previous commentators I think this has
a macabre feel that penetrates.

Line 1 is a great hook, engaging the reader from the outset.

Your rhymes are subtle throughout and the rhythms are good. It's almost iambic.
Most of these lines carry three or four stresses which contributes enormously to the flow.

On the negative side, there are too many unsupported phrases - abstractions. In other words it's
not easy to access the action or what is happening to whom. It feels like an introduction, as if
you're about to launch into an epic story. Not a bad thing.

I hope you keep posting and experimenting.

Best

JJ

PS Thanks for your nod in my haiku poem.

J

[VintagePoetess]

Hi JJ,

Thank you for the comments! They were very supportive and helpful. I hadn't started re-writing because I did know where to start, and I thought I'd have to completely rewrite, but maybe I can save some of it and just give it more direction and action. So thank you.

Many thanks,
Vintage

[VintagePoetess]

Does this feel like it has more direction? Does it make more sense?

Version II

There is a blackness, slicked up inside him
That animates his once gentle frame
The creations, before the creations of sin
Leviathans, are their biblical name

They had slipped in with the souls who,
Gave him the power the he needed to gain
For the plan, which he believed in so true
To slay those, who he could not have slain

But power corrupts so completely
And he chose god as his new name
Til he questioned his own stability
And he gave it up to stay sane

But the creatures held on in him
His redemption cut short at the end
A battle ensued beneath his skin
And now monsters grin through my friend

[JJWilliamson]

Hi again, Vintage

You can place the revised poem above the original by pressing the edit button at the right hand side of the thread.
I tend to copy and paste then make the relevant adjustments.
Then write "original" above the first effort and place (revised) in the title box. OR (version 2) Or any system you like
so long as it lets the readers know the poem has been revised.

So, copy your revision, paste it above the original then make adjustments to the title box.

Hope this helps

Best

JJ

[VintagePoetess]

Thanks JJ,

Have done!

Many thanks, Vintage

[Luce]

VP - The revision is definitely headed in the right direction. It's less abstract.

It's a good ole fight between good and evil in one man, with the demons winning out, it seems.

You stayed true to a demanding rhyme scheme. And the meter seems to be steady. That's good.

However, you may be getting trapped by the meter and end rhymes because it has lead to some odd and/or stiff stanzas

Luce

Additional Comments Below:

Version II

There is a blackness, slicked up inside him
That animates his once gentle frame
The creations, before the creations of sin
Leviathans, are their biblical name

Would have liked a more detailed description than just saying Leviathans.

I'm wondering if you should try this in iambic tetrameter. It would sound tighter. For example:

There's a blackness slicked inside him
That animates his gentle frame.

Please use punctuation and I would eliminate capitalizing every line. Most, if not all, modern poetry is written without using that old poetry style. Note the poetry on this board for examples.

I like the word "slicked" but I think you need something more condensed, stronger and descriptive like "thick" "steeped" etc.

They had slipped in with the souls who,
Gave him the power the he needed to gain
For the plan, which he believed in so true
To slay those, who he could not have slain

I know you're referring to the show but the poem has the potential to stand on its own two feet. This means you have to make it more universal and not dependent on the reader knowing about the show.

I think you mean "that" instead of "the" in S2L2. I think you mean "is" and not "in" in S2L3.

But power corrupts so completely
And he chose god as his new name
Til he questioned his own stability
And he gave it up to stay sane

The stanza has the capacity to be a powerful one if you can just set yourself free from the show.

I think you mean 'till or 'til (note apostrophe before the t) and not "til".

But the creatures held on in him
His redemption cut short at the end
A battle ensued beneath his skin
And now monsters grin through my friend

S4L2 & S4L4 sound force. There are more inventive rhymes you can use to match "end". [

All in all, a more enjoyable, reachable read than the first one.

Luce

[VintagePoetess]

Hello Luce,

Thank you for those very thoughtful notes. I'm glad its improving, and I shall take all your advice on and try and rewrite it without as much emphasis on the show. And I will try a draft of the poem in iambic metre.


Many many thanks,
VIntage