A Beach in Summer

[David Smedley]

Who loves those days when the sun is hazed
and the sea unruffled with its mirrored glaze
shows every ripple and fish that moves
in the current's stream swept surface ooze.

Have amended the above verse slightly so that it reads more smoothly.

I also think that the word "ooze" does not make sense in the context you have used it, therefore it is (for me) forced rhyme.


And the tide on the beach treads soft and slow
leaving hardly a footprint as it goes,
where the dark sand that each sea fall makes
is quickly absorbed to its flaxen state.

The word you begin the verse with "And" lends itself to more of a run on from verse one when a comma comes after "ooze" and not a full stop. I think you use it here for no other purpose than padding the syllable count.

I will slightly amend this verse too to read more smoothly.

The tide on the beach treads soft and slow
leaving hardly a footprint as it goes,
and the dark sand that each sea fall makes
is quickly absorbed to its flaxen state.

****************************************************

Then you lie by a bed of scented pinks
as rustling reeds their music links
with a skylarks distant worshipping praise
to sunlit, happy, palliate days.

Are the "reeds" and the "scented pinks" bordering, or on, the beach then? I assume that if they are within an "amphitheatre of cliffs"
they must be. Odd things to grow on a beach though.

How are you using "palliate" in the above verse?

And the amphitheatre of the cliffs
reduces all the world to this,
sea, sand and skies sensuous ideal
caressing body and soul to heal.

I have the same problem with "and" again. Run it on or leave it out.

There is something about "sensuous ideal" (as it is used here) and "caressing the body and soul to heal" that doesn't quite gel for me, and once again I suspect the thought and word order are used to force the rhyme.

David.

[Antcliff]

I have included a couple of examples of a dufferent approach to make the experience of this poem perhaps more relevant to the processes of review and critique.

This is the workshop section. The workshop section of PG is for posting poems that the author wishes to be workshopped. Occasionally there is a need for a small note explaining a reference, but otherwise nothing else is really needed.

PGers are of course free to offer wider views on poetics if they wish. But the place for that is the "Poetry Discussion" section, where it can be seen and engaged with by interested people and not distractingly intermingled with the request....implicit in the process pf posting in the workshop section...for constructive critical comment.

Hope this helps to clarify the role of the various sections.


Seth

[Luce]

IF YOU DON'T LIKE HEAVY RHYME GO NO FURTHER ! but there is one free verse


Who loves those days when the sun is hazed
and the seas unruffled with its mirrored glaze
showing every ripple and fish that moves
in the currents stream swept surface ooze.


And the tide on the beach treads soft and slow
leaving hardly a footprint as it goes,
where the dark sand that each sea fall makes
is quickly absorbed to its flaxen state.

PROSE verse|

On such a day as this
the passive sea's
slow intrude melts
into the flaxen default
of the thirsting sand,
deep sup restores it
to warm mellowness


When the sand is warmly soft and gold
and the seagulls plaintiff hymn is bold
as no other sound competes for space
in air as soft as a lover’s embrace.

Then you lie by a bed of scented pinks
as rustling reeds their music links
with a skylarks distant worshipping praise
to sunlit, happy, palliative days.

And the amphitheatre of the cliffs
reduces all the world to this,
sea, sand and skies sensuous ideal
caressing body and soul to heal.

Your poem flows with such an ease
and with a soft beckoning tease
that I for one cannot resist
to kiss the pages with a kiss.
But I beg you still, lose the “ooze”.
for it makes me gag, reach for booze.

P.S. Don’t be pickin on David or I’ll whack ya from here to Brooklyn.

Peace

Luce