Poetry Forum

V2

Under the mattress she slept on
were many,

and each day a few disappeared
without her noticing,

until there came a time
she felt uncomfortable.

But she was brave
and decided to remove some more,

though never wanted
to remove that final one.


V1

Inside the mattress she slept on
were many peas,

and each day a few disappeared
without her noticing,

until there came a time
she felt uncomfortable.

But she was brave
and decided to remove some more,

but never wanted
to remove that final one.

Interesting, Tristan. You've turned the story on its head. To what end, I wonder? (An obvious comic answer to that question immediately presents itself but is summarily dismissed.)

I think it works, as an inverted parable, except that I can't see exactly what point it makes. If you could make that a little clearer - would changing the title help? - I think you'd have a nifty little thing.

Cheers

David

I think it's a clever take on the original. Does rather depend on what the pea symbolises, though, and I'm not sure what to make of the last line.

Ros

Ros wrote:I think it's a clever take on the original. Does rather depend on what the pea symbolises, though, and I'm not sure what to make of the last line.

Ros

With Ros.

One thought..could you cut "peas" in ln.2?

Seth

Thanks 42, David, Ros & Seth for spending the time to think about this one. Here goes my explanation.

I use the pea in the same way it was used in the original story. In the original story, if the princess can’t feel the pea she is used to such small discomforts and isn’t privileged enough to be a princess; and if she can feel it, she isn’t used to such small discomforts, because she is very privileged. Therefore, the pea is used to measure how used to discomfort the princess is and in turn how privileged she is. It is still used like this in my poem. To start with my girl can’t feel any peas even though there are many, so she is used to a lot of discomfort in her life, ...


For me the last line means that she either didn’t want to lose fully what she had been (she wanted to keep a part of her previous self; she doesn’t want to be too comfortable for fear of maybe of losing her edge), and/or didn’t want to turn into a prissy overprivileged princess who is over sensitive to discomfort because she has always had everything she wants and has never had to struggle in life to be comfortable.

I suppose the moral could be, if there has to be one: it’s better to have struggled than be have been given everything.

Seth I agree about L2. ‘Pea’ will go. Thanks for pointing out.

Cheers all,

Tristan

The problem is FT you only understand one form of artistry in Poetry. Your appreciation is unfortunately very limited. I would say to you, try to challenge yourself a bit more and behave a little more maturely.

Best,

Tristan

Adios.

Hi again, Tristan

A very interesting read, I thought, for its ability to draw the reader in. I too wondered about the application of the fairy tale.

Firebird wrote:Inside the mattress she slept on
were many peas, ...I thought the pea was beneath the mattress rather than inside. Does it matter, I wonder?

and each day a few disappeared
without her noticing, ...Yip, she is used to discomfort and sleeps well providing the niggles still exist.

until there came a time
she felt uncomfortable. ...So, once the mattress became more comfortable, she became more uncomfortable. Ok I'm following your notes so far. Comfort disturbs her.

But she was brave ...Do you need this second 'but'?
and decided to remove some more, ...Is she facing her demons here?

but never wanted
to remove that final one. ...This reads like a security issue, where the last link is difficult to sever. It could also stand as a metaphor for remembrance, where she makes the deliberate decision to keep the last pea to remind herself of what once was. A wise old man once said to me when I was young, "Don't forget yourself as you get on in life. Remember who you are and you won't go far wrong".

Nice lttle puzzle you've got going here, Tristan.

Best

JJ

Thanks for your input JJ - always perceptive and thoughtful. I think I agree that the second ‘but’ probably isn’t needed. Yes, in couplet 4, facing her demons is definitely one way of putting it. Your interp is pretty much spot on.

Cheers,

Tristan

and each day a few disappeared
without her noticing,

until there came a time
she felt uncomfortable.

But she was brave
and decided to remove some more,

The use of the word "disappeared" gives the impression that their removal was without her knowledge. Is that how it is meant to be?

Hi Ray,

Yes, it was meant. Sometimes things change without you noticing them.

Cheers,

Tristan

ray miller wrote:and each day a few disappeared
without her noticing,

until there came a time
she felt uncomfortable.

But she was brave
and decided to remove some more,

The use of the word "disappeared" gives the impression that their removal was without her knowledge. Is that how it is meant to be?

Under the mattress she slept on
there were many,

and each day a few disappeared
without her noticing,

until there came a time
she felt uncomfortable.

This implies that she is not making a conscious decision to remove them; that they are being removed by someone else; or that the removal is a consequence of her actions that was unintended. The awareness comes with time: youth to age (experience).

But she was brave
and decided to remove some more,

though never wanted
to remove that final one.

The situation has moved from unawareness to extreme sensitivity (being aware of one where to begin with she was indifferent to many). Decision making, consequent actions, are now consciously made. The implication here that it is not brave to remove the final one. She fears to embrace total comfort - the reader can speculate why (that true bravery maybe not to remove the final one).

I guess a Buddhist would be indifferent to the illusions of comfort and discomfort (on the physical level).

I think the poem benefits from reader engagement, though reader preconceptions may result in disengagement. Their loss!

best

mac

Some interesting thoughts Mac. Will mull them over.

Many thanks.

Cheers,

Tristan

I like this a-lot, it has a Nietzsche-esque appeal to it. That sense of willingly facing hardships and over coming them.

I think reader pre-conceptions will have a big impact on what he/she takes away from this, particularly the last part about retaining the final pea. The last hurdle is always the toughest to jump.

It sounds like she is struggling to let go of what she once was, or is having apprehensions of what she is to become, something I think everyone has related to at some point.

Sadly not much by way of critique as I am very new to poetry, but despite my ineptitude I still took something away from it, which to me, is the sign of a good poem.

Thanks for sharing.

Hi Ciaran,

Really pleased you liked the poem. And also liked the way you read the poem.

Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Cheers,

Tristan